For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man's Friends Take Little Pleasure in Wife's Company
DEAR ABBY: This is the first time I have ever sat down and written to you, although I often wonder what your thoughts would be on various matters.
I have a good friend named "Don." Don's wife, "Susan," is the problem. Every time we get together, she tries to impress people and acts superior. She does it in subtle ways, but my wife always ends up feeling somehow inadequate when the evening is over. Susan talks a lot about money and has hinted to her parents about "early inheritance" many times. For the most part, she will associate only with people who are at least as well off as she is. And when she meets people who are wealthy, she sticks to them like glue.
Don and Susan are having serious marital problems. I have seen her in action. She has a terrible temper and has been known to throw a phone or two. Also, she's the most shallow person I've ever met. How does someone get like this?
My wife has told me that she can no longer stomach Susan. I understand her objections to Susan's value system, but I fear if we refuse their invitations, Don will be hurt. Some of our other friends stopped seeing them years ago. I know Don would be puzzled if I started inviting him alone. My wife thinks I should level with Don and tell him, "The girls don't have much in common." We agreed we would abide by your advice. -- BRAD IN CLEVELAND
DEAR BRAD: Whose feelings are more important to you -- Don's or your wife's? She must be a saint to have tolerated being belittled without having ended this foursome sooner.
Since other friends have stopped socializing with Don and Susan, Don will understand if your wife is unavailable and the get-togethers are "men only" because "the girls" don't have much in common -- an understatement. (Susan might even be relieved.)
Believe it or not, the reason many people act superior and aloof is because they feel inadequate or inferior.
DEAR ABBY: The letters in your column about people meeting Harry Truman have conjured up a fond childhood memory of mine.
I grew up in Independence, Mo., but had never seen Mr. Truman until his library was being constructed. My father built and installed many of the display cabinets in the Truman Library.
My daddy, knowing me to be quite an autograph hound, thought that meeting and getting President Truman's autograph would be an event of a lifetime for his teen-age daughter, so he asked permission to bring me along one morning. I took my Bible and was introduced to Mr. Truman.
He graciously signed it with, "Read it carefully. It will make you happy." Then, handing me the signed Bible, he led me over to a display case and asked me to read the signature on a document. It was Joseph Stalin's. Mr. Truman smiled and added, "I collect autographs, too."
Even though both my father and Mr. Truman are gone now, and my autographed Bible disappeared during a move, the memories will be mine forever. -- SHIRLEY (YEAGER) HENDERSON, RAYTOWN, MO.
DEAR SHIRLEY: I think you've said it very well. Our memories can be our most treasured possessions, beyond material things. Circumstances may change, but our experiences make us who we are.
MARRIAGE OF FIRST COUSINS FULFILLS LIFELONG ATTRACTION
DEAR ABBY: On May 8 last year, my girlfriend read me the article in your column signed "Kissing Cousins," asking in which states cousins could marry. You rattled off a list of them, and my jaw hit the table. My first cousin and I had adored each other our whole life, but had never spoken of it because we wrongly assumed it was forbidden by God and man. As it turns out, Jacob and Rachel, and many Biblical characters, were cousins, which was the preferred way to go in ancient and modern times.
Albert Einstein married his cousin, Elsa, which probably provided him inspiration for discovering the theory of "relativity."
The family of Ashley Wilkes, the man Scarlett O'Hara was always after, married their cousins in "Gone With the Wind," with no social stigma at all.
Two months after reading that article, my cousin and I were married, and the ecstasy of this marriage cannot be captured in words. You are responsible for it, Abby, and I wanted you to know. -- IN HEAVEN IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR IN HEAVEN: It's gratifying to know that something you saw in my column affected your life so profoundly. In many countries, marriage between first cousins is considered a perfect union. Healthy cousins may face a slightly elevated risk of genetic defects in their offspring because they are more likely to share a recessive gene than are most couples. But that can be dealt with through genetic counseling. I wish you continued success and happiness in your marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I was appalled at your answer to "Old-Fashioned and Glad of It." She was complaining that her son's wife did not cook. Why didn't you tell her that she should have taught her son how to cook?
Today boys need domestic survival skills as much as girls do. My 12-year-old son knows enough about cooking so he will never be dependent on someone else to serve him.
With more women working outside the home these days, it is unrealistic to expect the woman to have the master's dinner ready when he comes home. In our household, the person who has the most time cooks the meal, and does the laundry, vacuuming, etc. -- HAPPY WITH A '90S HOME LIFE
DEAR HAPPY: That letter stirred up a hornet's nest. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have a message for "Old-Fashioned and Glad of It," the woman who complained that her son's wife did not even know how to boil water: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
How her son and his wife live is their business. I had a mother-in-law who thought things should be done her way, and that women should be the workhorses. Needless to say, my husband and I are separated.
He moved back in with his mother 12 years ago and has remained there ever since. She's in her late 70s and still cooking him his wholesome meals, cleaning his room and doing his laundry. Her "baby boy" was 51 years old this year.
Maybe "Old-Fashioned's" daughter-in-law is saving her energy for things that are more important to her son than cooking. -- MODERN AND GLAD OF IT
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Impatience With Kids' Injuries Casts Parents in Bad Light
DEAR ABBY: I am an orthopedic R.N. Depending on the season and the sport, I receive a lot of phone calls from parents. They usually consist of a dad asking if his little "Johnny" can get his cast off because "Johnny has to pitch in the big game tonight, and the team won't make it without him." Or, it might be a mom calling because "Suzie" has an audition for the ballet and she is in line to dance the lead. "She must have her cast off."
These parents need to get a clue that Johnny and Suzie aren't going to be able to pitch, dance, kick, hoist, twist, bend, etc. with a great deal of agility if they have been in a cast for six to eight weeks.
I have to fight the urge to say, "Mr. Smith, if you want to be the star pitcher so bad, do it yourself; don't do it vicariously through your son."
Abby, we aren't talking professional sports or even college-level sports here. We aren't even talking about those people with a scholarship riding on their participation. No, we're dealing with parents of Little Leaguers and amateur dance troupes.
A normal childhood means recovering from these fractures without pressure from Mom and Dad to perform. Since I can't say this to the parents coming into the clinic, I thought I'd say it this way. -- AN ORTHOPEDIC NURSE, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR NURSE: You have spoken plainly, and I pray the parents who need to hear the message heed it. Parents must keep in perspective that the health of the child is more important than the temporary glory of a childhood event. Failure to do so can result in physical damage that can last a lifetime.
DEAR ABBY: I am the proud mother of a wonderful, "very cool," 15-year-old son. We learned recently that the parents of my son's best friend will no longer allow the boys to be together because they learned that we are a single-parent family. They have told their son that it is a bad thing and that my son will end up in trouble because of our circumstances. "Statistics prove it."
May I share my Mother's Day with you?
My day began the night before, with a simple-yet-special dinner cooked by my son, who paid for and brought the food home from the store on his bike. Mother's Day morning began with tiptoes to allow Mom to sleep a little longer while my son cooked a breakfast of eggs, warm pastries and hot coffee. Along with a sweet present, he also gave me the gift of a hard day's work to help me with projects I had wanted to tackle. The day ended happily with an evening together at home, with kisses and, "I love you, Mom" before bed.
I know there are reports of problem kids from single-parent families -- but, Abby, I know of many less-than-perfect children who come from two-parent families, particularly the older brother from the family mentioned above. We all know two-parent families where all members are miserable -- an intact marriage does not guarantee happiness. A happy family is just that ... happy. No matter what the size.
There are many wonderful children from single-parent families. Children should be judged by who they are, not by some ignorant generalization. I say "Bravo!" to all kids who make their parents proud -- especially mine. -- A HAPPIER FAMILY THAN MANY, DEL MAR, CALIF.
DEAR HAPPIER: It's unfortunate that your son was made a victim of discrimination for something over which he had no control. He appears to be both thoughtful and generous, qualities that most people value in a friend.
Having two parents can be advantageous, but it is no guarantee of success or excellence. One committed parent can be better than two who are so involved in their own problems they cannot concentrate on the kids.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)