What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN IS READY TO REVOLT AGAINST AUTOCRATIC IN-LAWS
DEAR ABBY: My in-laws are making my life miserable. They still believe that the man is the head of the household and that women should be subservient at all times.
My husband and I are both college graduates with successful careers, but they continue to treat us like children. They order us to do something, then pout when we don't obey. They stopped speaking to us for weeks when we decided to buy a modest home against their wishes (even though we could easily afford it). They are convinced that we are unable to manage our own finances and household (especially me). I've actually been ordered to quit my job and stay home to take care of my husband (we don't have any kids yet). Luckily, my husband agrees that this is my decision to make, not theirs.
We have tried discussing this rationally as adults, but they start yelling or lecturing. They have now decided they want us to give them control of our finances if anything should happen to my husband because they believe a man should be in control. They also want full custody of any children we might have. Up until now, I've bitten my tongue, but I'm ready to explode. I don't want to alienate my in-laws by getting into a screaming match, but I've reached the end of my rope. How should I handle this? -- STEAMING IN DALLAS
DEAR STEAMING: Your in-laws' values are firmly rooted in another century. Don't allow them to intimidate you or draw you into an argument.
Assuming that you and your husband have already prepared a legal document that would protect each other and any children in case of a tragedy, you are under no obligation to discuss it or disclose its contents to anyone.
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest your column about the mother who gets all kinds of comments about the number of children she has. She asked if she should respond to these often rude remarks.
My wife and I are blessed with triplets. We too get many comments when we are out in public -- some nice and some seemingly rude. We feel enormously fortunate to have three healthy children, and we soon learned that our attitude makes all the difference in the world. We ignore some remarks, but we take others as an opportunity to tell people how blessed we are.
My favorite response when someone sees our triplets and says, "I'm glad it's you and not me," is one my wife came up with. She replies, "I'm also glad it's me and not you!" -- TRIPLY BLESSED IN ALABAMA
DEAR TRIPLY BLESSED: My congratulations to your wife. Her response is inspired.
DEAR ABBY: I attended a bridal tea this weekend and saw something I had never seen before. I wonder, have things changed this much?
As the guests arrived, their gifts were taken from them and carried over to a display area where they were opened by assigned people and put on display, without the future bride seeing the gift at all until it was put on display.
Why would people go to the trouble of wrapping a gift with beautiful paper and ribbons on it if the bride is never to see it? I was appalled and thought this was in very poor taste. Am I wrong, or is it proper? -- CONFUSED
DEAR CONFUSED: I have never heard of this practice at traditional bridal showers. However, if the bride's family is from another culture, that might account for it. Without knowing more of the facts I cannot make a judgment.
U.S. ARMY CAPTAIN OPENS UP THE WORLD FOR SIXTH-GRADERS
DEAR ABBY: My sixth-grade students and I would like to salute Capt. Michael Casper of the U.S. Army, currently stationed in Tuzla, Bosnia, with whom we became acquainted through your Operation Dear Abby holiday letter-writing campaign. Since November of last year, when he received and replied to a letter written by one of my students, Capt. Casper has become a friend, teacher and very special person in our lives.
Through him we have come to learn more in a personal way about our world. In fact, after hearing that the children near him had no school to attend because it was bombed, we recently completed a school-wide drive for pencils and other school supplies. As I write, a package is in the mail to Bosnia, where Capt. Casper will film the distribution of the supplies at a local refugee center and send us the videotape.
Fortunately, we have been able to correspond through e-mail. In his messages he challenges my students to learn about world geography and informs them about the various places where he's been stationed. He has demonstrated in many ways that he cares about my students.
Abby, in addition to recognizing this fine serviceman, I would like to thank you for setting up the program that brought us together. Keep up the good work. -- GEORGANN COON, SIXTH-GRADE TEACHER, E.E. KNIGHT SCHOOL, ELSIE, MICH.
DEAR MS. COON: Thank you for an upper of a letter. I have often said that my readers are the most thoughtful and generous people in the world. One of the most powerful forces for good is generated when people reach out to help each other.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old virgin attending high school. Lately there has been lot of controversy about handing out condoms in our school. As an educated teen-ager, I would like to tell all of the adults who are trying to terminate the distribution that they need to go outside their fantasy worlds and realize that many teen-agers are having unprotected sex because of the lack of availability of contraceptives and condoms.
The risks of unprotected sex are no longer short-lived, but can have lifelong effects and, in some cases, can be terminal.
It is ignorant to believe that if we tell people not to do something they will always listen. Education is the key to awareness, but when education fails, some form of protection must be available. The comparison heard on the popular television series "Beverly Hills, 90210" is that you can build a fence around a pool and lock the gate, but if there is even a possibility that a child might get in, why not teach him to swim? -- MELISSA IN NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR MELISSA: Bravo! I couldn't have said it better.
DEAR ABBY: I thought you might get a kick out of this:
My crossword puzzle clue read, "a famous twin." Four spaces were allotted, so I wrote in "ABBY."
Wrong! The correct answer was "ESAU." -- MARY WOOD SEALY, NEW IBERIA, LA.
DEAR MARY: Nice try, though!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WIFE ENDURING SILENT TREATMENT SHOULD TAKE VOCAL ACTION NOW
DEAR ABBY: You had a letter in your column concerning a husband who didn't speak to his wife for three months because she told him that she felt he was being too harsh with their son. He also was punishing her by refusing to have sex with her.
I hope you told his wife to deal with this behavior immediately, because it will not get better by itself. It will only get worse. If it isn't stopped now, 25 or more years down the road she will still be a victim of this childishness -- and it also will have an effect on the children.
They should get counseling. If she ignores this behavior, she'll become more of a doormat and look back at 40 years of misery. She'll have no self-confidence left and will be emotionally damaged forever. I know. -- BEEN THERE FOR 47 YEARS IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR BEEN THERE: I advised the woman, who signed herself "Confused in Pennsylvania," that she should first try to discuss the cause of their "misunderstanding" with her husband, and if necessary, seek joint marriage counseling to resolve their problem. I also told her that if her husband refused to go, she should go without him in order to repair her self-esteem.
Another reader offered some insight into the husband's punitive and selfish behavior. This reader said she would not be at all surprised if the husband was involved with another woman, and was using his wife's criticism as an excuse to feign anger and avoid having sexual relations with her, while enjoying her cooking services, laundry services and frantic efforts at reconciliation. Now, isn't that food for thought?
DEAR ABBY: Many times I read letters in your column from people complaining about what some "insensitive" person said to them in the market, etc., about their adoption, their disability, hair, size, color, cars, or anything else noticeable. Most recently, it was about the number of children (too many) a woman had.
You know what that is called? MAKING CONVERSATION.
When people are standing next to each other in a long line, they often feel like reaching out to make a connection, like in the old days when people looked one another in the eye when they passed on the street.
How are you supposed to start a conversation when you don't know anything about the other person? You look for signs to latch onto. Read any book about starting conversations, and you'll find that's how they get started.
Why not take the opportunity to welcome their reaching out, and if there is a real problem, gently correct them? Most individuals do not start conversations with the intention of being rude or insulting. The reality is you do have more kids or longer hair, or are taller than average or whatever else it is they are "insulting" you about. Their pointing it out is not what made it so.
Remember, you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. If you respond with something positive, and guide the conversation from there, "doing time" in line can become a few moments of pleasant connection with a fellow human being. Who among us have lives so full we don't have room for a brief dialogue with someone we don't already know? -- TEFLON TINA IN HAMBURG, PA.
DEAR TEFLON TINA: Your viewpoint deserves consideration. More friendships and (romances) have begun in line than on-line.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)