Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
U.S. ARMY CAPTAIN OPENS UP THE WORLD FOR SIXTH-GRADERS
DEAR ABBY: My sixth-grade students and I would like to salute Capt. Michael Casper of the U.S. Army, currently stationed in Tuzla, Bosnia, with whom we became acquainted through your Operation Dear Abby holiday letter-writing campaign. Since November of last year, when he received and replied to a letter written by one of my students, Capt. Casper has become a friend, teacher and very special person in our lives.
Through him we have come to learn more in a personal way about our world. In fact, after hearing that the children near him had no school to attend because it was bombed, we recently completed a school-wide drive for pencils and other school supplies. As I write, a package is in the mail to Bosnia, where Capt. Casper will film the distribution of the supplies at a local refugee center and send us the videotape.
Fortunately, we have been able to correspond through e-mail. In his messages he challenges my students to learn about world geography and informs them about the various places where he's been stationed. He has demonstrated in many ways that he cares about my students.
Abby, in addition to recognizing this fine serviceman, I would like to thank you for setting up the program that brought us together. Keep up the good work. -- GEORGANN COON, SIXTH-GRADE TEACHER, E.E. KNIGHT SCHOOL, ELSIE, MICH.
DEAR MS. COON: Thank you for an upper of a letter. I have often said that my readers are the most thoughtful and generous people in the world. One of the most powerful forces for good is generated when people reach out to help each other.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old virgin attending high school. Lately there has been lot of controversy about handing out condoms in our school. As an educated teen-ager, I would like to tell all of the adults who are trying to terminate the distribution that they need to go outside their fantasy worlds and realize that many teen-agers are having unprotected sex because of the lack of availability of contraceptives and condoms.
The risks of unprotected sex are no longer short-lived, but can have lifelong effects and, in some cases, can be terminal.
It is ignorant to believe that if we tell people not to do something they will always listen. Education is the key to awareness, but when education fails, some form of protection must be available. The comparison heard on the popular television series "Beverly Hills, 90210" is that you can build a fence around a pool and lock the gate, but if there is even a possibility that a child might get in, why not teach him to swim? -- MELISSA IN NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR MELISSA: Bravo! I couldn't have said it better.
DEAR ABBY: I thought you might get a kick out of this:
My crossword puzzle clue read, "a famous twin." Four spaces were allotted, so I wrote in "ABBY."
Wrong! The correct answer was "ESAU." -- MARY WOOD SEALY, NEW IBERIA, LA.
DEAR MARY: Nice try, though!
WIFE ENDURING SILENT TREATMENT SHOULD TAKE VOCAL ACTION NOW
DEAR ABBY: You had a letter in your column concerning a husband who didn't speak to his wife for three months because she told him that she felt he was being too harsh with their son. He also was punishing her by refusing to have sex with her.
I hope you told his wife to deal with this behavior immediately, because it will not get better by itself. It will only get worse. If it isn't stopped now, 25 or more years down the road she will still be a victim of this childishness -- and it also will have an effect on the children.
They should get counseling. If she ignores this behavior, she'll become more of a doormat and look back at 40 years of misery. She'll have no self-confidence left and will be emotionally damaged forever. I know. -- BEEN THERE FOR 47 YEARS IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR BEEN THERE: I advised the woman, who signed herself "Confused in Pennsylvania," that she should first try to discuss the cause of their "misunderstanding" with her husband, and if necessary, seek joint marriage counseling to resolve their problem. I also told her that if her husband refused to go, she should go without him in order to repair her self-esteem.
Another reader offered some insight into the husband's punitive and selfish behavior. This reader said she would not be at all surprised if the husband was involved with another woman, and was using his wife's criticism as an excuse to feign anger and avoid having sexual relations with her, while enjoying her cooking services, laundry services and frantic efforts at reconciliation. Now, isn't that food for thought?
DEAR ABBY: Many times I read letters in your column from people complaining about what some "insensitive" person said to them in the market, etc., about their adoption, their disability, hair, size, color, cars, or anything else noticeable. Most recently, it was about the number of children (too many) a woman had.
You know what that is called? MAKING CONVERSATION.
When people are standing next to each other in a long line, they often feel like reaching out to make a connection, like in the old days when people looked one another in the eye when they passed on the street.
How are you supposed to start a conversation when you don't know anything about the other person? You look for signs to latch onto. Read any book about starting conversations, and you'll find that's how they get started.
Why not take the opportunity to welcome their reaching out, and if there is a real problem, gently correct them? Most individuals do not start conversations with the intention of being rude or insulting. The reality is you do have more kids or longer hair, or are taller than average or whatever else it is they are "insulting" you about. Their pointing it out is not what made it so.
Remember, you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. If you respond with something positive, and guide the conversation from there, "doing time" in line can become a few moments of pleasant connection with a fellow human being. Who among us have lives so full we don't have room for a brief dialogue with someone we don't already know? -- TEFLON TINA IN HAMBURG, PA.
DEAR TEFLON TINA: Your viewpoint deserves consideration. More friendships and (romances) have begun in line than on-line.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WIFE CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN AFTER MERCY MISSION ENDS
DEAR ABBY: We have been happily married for 17 years. I am 41 and and my wife is 36. We have three fine children, ages 12, 10 and 6. I do well financially.
My wife never went to college and regretted it. I supported her effort in going back to school, so she enrolled. Then her mother, who lives 400 miles away, became seriously ill with lung cancer.
Seven months ago, my wife quit school and went to stay with her mother. She is the only child in the family who was able to spend this kind of time with her mother. She keeps in touch and comes home when she can. It has been hard for her and hard for us.
In recent weeks, her mother has improved enough to come here with my wife to visit. Her mother also has home health care, so my wife could come home and proceed with her own life.
However, she is having a hard time leaving her mother now. I would like to tell my wife that she has helped her mother as much as she can, but we also need her.
My wife tells me she has been spending a lot of time going out to bars, dancing and partying with friends she has made in that town. She is very open with me and has told me some men are obviously attracted to her and have sent her flowers. She accepted the flowers and the attention, but said she would go no further.
Our sex life has not been very good in recent years, but she says she loves me and respects me more than anyone she has ever known. This barhopping bothers me because I love her very much and I'm afraid that something will happen sooner or later. She stays out until 2 a.m. and has never told these men she doesn't want any further relationship, so it seems to me that she is leading them on.
Do you have any thoughts about her relationship with her mother? And what do you think about these nights out with her friends? -- FRUSTRATED IN KENTUCKY
DEAR FRUSTRATED: You and your children are to be commended for your patience during your wife's seven-month absence. You have every right to lay down the law and demand that she come home. Your mother-in-law seems to be well cared for without her daughter's presence.
Hanging out in bars and accepting flowers from admirers is inexcusable behavior for a married woman. Give your wife an ultimatum. Tell her that you expect her home by a specific date. Then make an appointment with a marriage counselor. If your wife ignores your request, you will know where her loyalties lie.
DEAR ABBY: Last night my husband asked me if I had noticed that whenever we go out for dinner, the server never asks him what he would like to eat. Instead, she turns to me and asks, "And what will he have?"
Abby, my husband has Parkinson's disease and his head now wobbles, his hands shake and he drags his foot a little, but there is nothing wrong with his mind. His hearing is excellent, he understands what people say, and he is not deaf, dumb or stupid.
When I am asked, "And what will he have?" I always say, "I don't know. Why don't you ask him?"
Abby, I'm constantly amazed at how stigmatized handicapped people are. My husband has a quick wit, a great sense of humor and is a kind, generous man. Nobody is perfect. We all have some kind of disability. His hands may shake, but he can still put his arms around me, hold me and tell me how he loves me.
I doubt this will do any good, but I just had to get it off my chest. Just because a person has a physical disability doesn't make him less a person. Actually, he is more of a person because he's had to cope with so many difficult things in life -- including stupid, insensitive people.
Thanks, Abby. -- HARRIET R. IN TAUNTON, MASS.
DEAR HARRIET: Thank you for a letter that I hope will educate many thoughtless people. I have had similar letters in my column over the years, but this message is so important it is well worth repeating.
P.S. The next time a server asks for your order, say "Thank you. My husband will order for both of us."
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)