CONFIDENTIAL TO 'STILL TRYING TO CATCH THE BRASS RING IN HAWAII': In the words of Arnold Palmer, world champion golfer, "The road to success is always under construction."
FRIEND'S GIFT FROM THE HEART BECOMES POET'S INSPIRATION
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column daily for many years and greatly enjoy your letters on random acts of kindness. Yesterday I read the letter about Darlene Godsey's husband, who came home a quadriplegic after an overdose of anesthesia during open-heart surgery, and how her friends rallied together to repair the things she had formerly relied on her husband to do.
It reminded me of something my quadriplegic friend Bernie did for me several years ago during a very lonely and difficult time in my life. I wrote occasional verse and had been sharing my poems with him over a bulletin board service via our personal computers. Through time we became good friends.
Unbeknown to me, he took the following verse of mine, had it printed in "Queen's English" and beautifully framed, and presented it to me as a gift, for no particular reason. That was a turning point in my life and inspired me to continue my writing and share it with others.
I have just recently completed my first poetry and verse manuscript and am hopeful it may be published someday. Bernie's gift, titled "Lessons You Learned," now has its own special place on my wall and is a daily reminder of the "random acts of kindness" that inspired me originally to write it.
I am sharing it with you in the hope that it will help people along life's journey either to recognize their own gifts or help someone else along their way. If you print it, I thank you. If you cannot, I understand you cannot print every letter you receive. I will continue to faithfully read your column because you so often touch so many hearts, and have often touched mine. -- MARLENE GERBA, MILWAUKIE, ORE. DEAR MARLENE AND DEAR READERS: Unfortunately, I am unable to publish all of the letters or the lovely poems I receive. However, this one moved me so deeply that I am compelled to share it. Read on:
LESSONS YOU LEARNED by Marlene Gerba
For every petal you pluck from a daisy,
You're granted one measure of love.
For every rainbow you find with two ends,
I wish you two stars from above.
For every tear you brush from a cheek,
I promise you kindness will follow.
Wherever you walk, under rainbows or stars,
Over daisies, or down lonely hollow.
For every child you play with and talk to,
I grant you one heart full of laughter.
For every smile you place on a face,
I promise you peace ever after.
If you think "I" am giving you priceless gifts,
Look close at yourself and your deeds.
The gifts you earned were the lessons you learned
While answering other folks' needs.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Ex Wife Confirms Her Resolve Not to Return to Abusive Spouse
DEAR ABBY: The letter you recently printed from "The Goodbye Wife in California," who listed the reasons to leave her husband, hit home with me. I clipped it, and checked off the reasons with which I identified. It had a profound effect on me.
Before I read that letter, I had been reminiscing about the pleasant moments I had shared with my former husband, and had started once again to blame all our problems on myself. (I had not been understanding enough; I couldn't cook well enough; etc.) I fantasized that we could be united as a family again.
My 15-year-old daughter lives with me, and my 17-year-old son lives with his father. I miss my son and the good things about our family life. However, the letter in your column was a sobering and much-needed reminder of the sometimes subtle, but always devastating effects of being the object of intermittent humiliation, ridicule, name-calling, intimidation and physical abuse.
The writer mentioned that she had not yet left her abuser, and knew it was easier said than done. I know exactly what she's experiencing. She is most likely feeling ambivalent, because abused women usually have thinking patterns that reflect the destructive effect of abuse. We tend to gloss over the bad parts and glorify the good things (there are some good things even in a relationship of this kind, which is one of the most confusing aspects of living with an abuser). She may blame herself. She may be hoping her husband will see the error of his ways by reading her letter in your column and miraculously change.
I want her to know: That is a fantasy. It will never happen. He will not change, nor will he even admit he needs to. Worse yet, her children will learn the same inappropriate patterns of behavior.
She needs to leave that marriage as soon as possible and begin repairing the damage this man has inflicted. She must be prepared to experience the temptation to return to him as if everything would magically be better. She'll probably have difficulty relating in a healthy way to a kind and gentle man, but with therapy to assist in the healing process, she will be able to rebuild her self-esteem and be able to love again.
Now I'll tell you how her letter came to impact me: I left the column (with my check marks on it) in my bathroom. While my daughter and I were out, my former husband and my son came into my home. My ex found the column and observed that I had checked most of the items on the list. Did he recognize himself? Did he suddenly empathize with my feelings? Did he want to talk over the issues? No. He showed the list to my son. The two of them laughed about it and ridiculed me when I returned. My son then derisively described the list to my daughter.
For the first time in the many years I have known this man, I saw him clearly for what he really is. To enter my home, read personal things that pertain only to our relationship and then share them with our son is the most obvious example I will ever need of what emotional abuse is.
I thank your reader for the boost her letter provided me. I hope she will successfully negotiate the road to her personal recovery. It won't be easy, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And now, I can finally begin to get on with the rest of my life -- thanks to reading her letter in your column. -- BEEN THERE IN FLORIDA
DEAR BEEN THERE: I am gratified that "Goodbye Wife's" insight enabled you to resist the temptation to return to your abusive marriage.
I'm concerned, however, that your son appears to be following in his father's footsteps. Please insist that he get into counseling to break the pattern that all too often is passed from one generation to another. He will be much happier if he learns a better way to relate -- with kindness and consideration for others.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 70-year-old man whose wife died two years ago. For the past year, I have been dating a spry widow whose husband died about the same time my wife died. We have a lovely relationship and have talked about getting married.
The problem is her dead husband's ashes. She keeps them in a fancy gold box on the mantle of her fireplace. I just recently found out what is in the box, and I think this is morbid. Sometimes she stands in front of the box and reminisces about her dead husband. Her family tells me that she has requested that her husband's ashes be placed in her coffin when she dies. I find this somewhat disturbing.
I had a serious talk with her, so she knows I object to having the remains of her husband on the mantle. I would like a permanent relationship, and she has told me she loves me and is interested in getting married. However, she is not willing to remove the ashes from the mantle.
Abby, do other people keep ashes of the dead in their homes? How can I get her to remove them? -- ASHES IN AUDUBON, N.J.
DEAR ASHES IN AUDUBON: It is unusual but not unheard of to keep the ashes of a loved one in one's home. It may be that your ladyfriend needs more time to completely resolve her loss. Your understanding would only enhance your relationship with her. However, I suggest that you ask her to please keep the ashes in a more private place -- a spare room or in her personal closet. Her degree of willingness to compromise should tell you volumes about the future of a relationship with her.
I would like to hear from others who have kept the ashes of their beloved mate.
DEAR ABBY: I just had to write after I read the letter from "Confused in San Diego," whose tightwad boyfriend presented her with a bill for money he had "loaned" her over their year-long relationship.
A number of years ago, my boyfriend "Martin" and I were bicycling on a back-country road on an island in Canada. We were miles from nowhere when I got a flat tire. It was just getting dark and threatening to rain, and I was not looking forward to waiting alone while Martin rode to the campground to get our car so he could drive back and get me.
Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a man on a bicycle rounded the corner. He stopped and offered us a brand-new inner tube he had recently purchased. I asked him how much we owed him. He said he had paid $3.65 at the local store. I pulled out an American $5 bill to give him when Martin stopped me. "Wait a minute," he said, "with the exchange rate for American money, that makes it only $2.73." He then insisted the man give us the appropriate amount of change -- to the penny. I was mortified! The kind man was good-natured about the whole incident, gave Martin his change, and rode off.
Fortunately, after many more embarrassing incidents, I finally dumped Martin and his penny-pinching ways. Abby, your comment, "This one is not above using the purse strings to try to control you," was right on the money. -- PENNY-WISED UP
DEAR PENNY-WISED UP: I wasn't sure whether to file your letter under "The Kindness (and Tolerance) of Strangers" or "Miserly Mortals," so I printed it instead!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)