What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Adopted Daughter Resents Being Labeled as Not 'Real'
DEAR ABBY: Recently in a department store, I overheard a conversation between two women that made my blood boil. One woman identified a neighbor by saying, "The one with the adopted son."
Abby, I am 42 years old and was adopted at birth. My adoptive mother was the nurse assisting in the delivery, and my adoptive father was also present at birth. In fact, while anxiously waiting to see his new daughter, Dad slipped and fell, so we joke, "Dad sure fell for his daughter."
My loving parents told me early on that I was adopted and did it in such a way that I felt adopted meant "special" and "handpicked."
Perhaps the comment hit a nerve because my aunts, uncles and cousins from both sides of the family often referred to my brother and me as "Marvin and Ethel's adopted kids." My parents and grandparents were never guilty of using that unnecessary adjective.
Does "adopted" mean "less than"? Am I less of a daughter because someone else gave birth to me? Even at my grandmother's funeral, I was mentioned as her "adopted granddaughter." Sadly, my extended family still, after all these years, treats me as though I am not part of the "real" family.
Abby, the purpose of my letter is to let people know they do damage by distinguishing between "the adopted kids" and "the kids." The mother and father who adopted me, fed me, clothed me and disciplined me were my parents, and our family is as "real" as the families into which other children are "born." I would be proud to have you use my name. -- MARVA BOEHM MASON, HOUSTON
DEAR MARVA: Your point is well taken. Once children are adopted, they "belong" to the parents as much as children who are born into the family. Not everyone who describes family members as "adopted" means to be cruel, and they probably do not realize how upsetting it can be to a child. I hope your letter will cause those who have adopted relatives to think twice before making a verbal distinction.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 9-year-old girl who's in the third grade, and I have a problem. My dad has not visited me in 4 1/2 years, and he has not called me since July of 1996.
I tried to call him a while back, but his phone was disconnected. I don't understand why he doesn't try to contact me.
I wish he knew how I feel so maybe he would change his mind and try to get in touch with me. I love my dad very much. I hope he reads this letter. -- MISSING MY DAD IN MICHIGAN
DEAR MISSING: Sadly, there are many children who, like you, are longing to hear from their absent father or mother. Some adults forget that children are capable of understanding almost anything if they are given the opportunity. One phone call or letter that explains why the parent cannot stay in close contact at the moment will do wonders toward putting a child's mind at ease.
I, too, hope your father (and all the other parents to whom this applies) sees your letter and realizes how important it is that he call or write to you.
FOUR-YEAR AFFAIR PRODUCES EVERYTHING BUT A MARRIAGE
DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with a kind and generous man for four years. We have a child together who is now 16 months old. We are not married because he is still married to his first wife.
"Joe" and his wife have filed for divorce and all that remains to finalize it are their signatures. However, when I asked him about it, he gave me excuses such as it would ruin him financially, or they must remain together for the sake of their two children. He said that his youngest daughter is afraid that if he and her mother got divorced, she will never see him again. Both Joe and his wife want the divorce, but the decree just sits there unsigned. I don't understand his procrastination because I am sure he wants to be married to me and be a full-time father to our child.
Joe is a very good father to our baby and a wonderful lover, but I want him to be more than that -- I want him to be my husband.
Abby, do you think if I'm patient Joe will eventually finalize his divorce and marry me? -- WAITING PATIENTLY
DEAR WAITING: I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but if Joe really wanted to marry you, he would not be offering weak excuses and leaving the divorce papers unsigned. It appears that he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
It may not be easy for you to face reality, but the sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to liberate yourself from this hopeless situation and find someone who is free to marry you.
DEAR ABBY: I am a very conservative parent when it comes to men. I never dated any young man except the one who became my husband.
I have a 19-year-old daughter who lives on campus at her college. I always encouraged her to be a good girl like me.
She recently came home for a college break, and in her room, I found a year-old receipt from a motel. On it was her name and that of a boy she was dating at the time. She now has another boyfriend.
Abby, should I confront her with the receipt or pretend I don't know anything? -- CONSERVATIVE MOM
DEAR CONSERVATIVE MOM: I would advise against confronting your daughter with the motel receipt. She's an adult and has the right to make her own decisions. I hope that in addition to telling your daughter that she should be a "good girl" like you, while she was still a minor and living with you, you discussed sex with its implications and dangers. Teens often fail to accept a parent's admonition unless it is backed up with good reasons. The lessons you taught her while she was growing up will help her to make wise choices now that she is an adult.
DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Upset Mother Down South," the woman who was concerned because her daughter's husband failed to acknowledge birthdays, Valentine's Day and other "special occasions" with a card, was right on the money.
My husband rarely thinks to send flowers or cards on those special occasions. However, he does remember Dec. 23 as the day of our first date. He can even remember the table at which we sat and the movie we saw before dinner. He can recite dates, times and the clothes I wore on occasions special to just the two of us. He also remembers the details associated with each child's birth.
Even though I am not "remembered" on the special dates printed on calendars, I feel very loved. After all, those dates were chosen by our government, our religious institutions and the greeting card companies. They do not automatically carry personal significance. Perhaps women who are upset by what their husbands forget should listen to what they remember. -- RITA SEIFERT, CINCINNATI
DEAR RITA: You have your priorities well organized, and you said it very well. When a couple loves and cherishes each other, every day is Thanksgiving and every night is New Year's Eve.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Some Life Lessons Are Best Taught Outside the Classroom
DEAR ABBY: I join the many who have valued your sage wisdom through the years. This letter is in response to "Brian Chiedo of Dallas," who wrote that the English teacher should not teach sex education but stick to what she is employed to teach.
Abby, my wife is a ninth- and 10th-grade science teacher at our local high school, Travelers Rest High. Three years ago, our school developed a new class called Community Service. Its purpose is to actively involve students, primarily juniors and seniors, in various civic activities.
Each day, these kids leave their school for an hour and a half to learn lessons about life by volunteering in nursing homes, feeding the homeless at the local soup kitchen, helping to distribute food to the needy at the local food pantry, mentoring preschool children at a day care center or working at city hall. The education these students receive is invaluable, and at the same time, they are giving back to their community.
None of these benefits would have been possible if my wife -- and other teachers -- had "stuck to the subjects they were hired to teach." How proud I am of my wife, the science teacher who volunteered to develop the curriculum and "teach" this pilot class.
Our community is very fortunate to have teachers who are willing to look for subjects that need to be taught and who never stop looking for ways to communicate with and reach our young people -- even when the subjects fall outside the realm of traditional instruction. -- RICK BLACKWELL, MARIETTA, S.C.
DEAR MR. BLACKWELL: Thank you for your thought-provoking letter. You should indeed be proud of your wife and her colleagues who have improvised an original and creative way to stimulate your community's most precious resources -- its youth and its educators. Bravo!
DEAR ABBY: Last year a close friend and her husband took early retirement, bought an RV and have been traveling ever since. She has always written lots of letters to relatives and friends, but now she writes daily diaries, detailing what they had for meals each day, what she bought at the discount store and the daily temperature. Then she photocopies and sends the same "letter" to everyone. Sometimes we get as many as 12 typed, single-spaced sheets (front and back) of their daily activities.
Abby, I do not have the time or desire to hear what they ate (in one letter she gave us a full description of their illness after a bad meal!) and how much mileage they made on a tank of gas. I suppose I could just toss the letter when it arrives, but I worry that she will say something important somewhere. That did happen once, on page 5, day 22, when she disclosed that her sister had died. I had to read the whole dissertation to glean that news.
All of us dread going to the mailbox to find the letter from hell. We would appreciate any suggestion you have. -- MAILBOX MADNESS
DEAR M.M.: Unless you're prepared to level with this compulsive diarist, prepare to continue receiving copies of her daily log. You don't say how many friends are involved here, but an alternative might be for each of you to take turns reading one of the "letters" and be responsible for letting the others know the contents.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)