To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Paternity Suit Fades Away in Light of Paternity Test
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to tell your readers to always consult an attorney when dealing with paternity issues.
Out of the blue, we were hit with a suit to pay support for a child who is 12 years old. The woman listed as the mother was someone my husband had dated for one week. Needless to say, he was stunned. The state wanted back support to the tune of $15,000, plus future support and medical insurance. My husband didn't know what to think, but I was fighting mad. We have a child of our own and another on the way.
I contacted an attorney in the state where the suit had been filed to learn what our rights were. He told us to insist on a paternity test. The state readily agreed (they were sure my husband was the father), and they even paid for the test.
The test was done and we waited. A couple of months later, we received a letter telling us that my husband was not the father, and the lawsuit was dismissed.
We were greatly relieved, but my heart breaks for the child who has been lied to for 12 years about who his father is.
Please urge your readers to insist on a paternity test. Regardless of how it turns out, everyone needs to know the truth. -- PUT TO THE TEST IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR PUT: If a man is asked to support a child he is not sure is his, he should insist on a paternity test. This test is the only way to establish that a man is (or is not) the biological father.
An attorney is always helpful when dealing with paternity issues, but not always necessary. Your physician can refer you to a laboratory that performs paternity (or parentage) testing.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are retired senior citizens. We occasionally like to take short trips, and we don't have to answer to anyone or worry about anything when we leave home.
On our recent anniversary (45th), our daughter and her family gave us a housebroken poodle, which they had purchased for themselves two months ago. (They live only two houses from us, so we knew about the dog and thought she was adorable.)
When my daughter gave us the dog, I told her I absolutely did not want the responsibility. I was really upset and made myself quite clear. Well, my wife, just to keep peace in the family, said that she would take care of the dog, so we kept her. And guess who is taking care of her?
Abby, was I wrong about the way I felt -- and still feel? My wife thinks that there wasn't anything wrong with giving us this unexpected gift, but I am about ready to say, "It's either the dog or me!"
Please tell me what you think about this, but do not use my name, initials or location. -- IN THE DOGHOUSE
DEAR IN THE DOGHOUSE: Your wife had no business accepting the dog, knowing that you did not want the responsibility of caring for a pet. Ask your veterinarian if he or she knows a family who would like to adopt your adorable poodle.
CARELESS DRIVERS TRADE PAINT BY OPENING CAR DOOR TOO FAR
DEAR ABBY: Although I have read your column for many years, I am not sure that this topic has ever been addressed.
Why are people so careless when opening their car doors? I don't know how many times I've witnessed people carelessly opening their car door, only to let it slam into the car next to them. Not only do they leave very noticeable dents on other people's cars, I'm sure they can be damaging their own car doors.
I have taught my two small children never to let the door hit the car next to ours. I'm hopeful this message will make people stop and think the next time they open their car doors.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. You may use my name. -- LYNDA GOVEDNIK, MINOOKA, ILL.
DEAR LYNDA: People who open the doors to their vehicles, allowing them to strike the cars parked next to them, are thoughtless and inconsiderate. And they rarely expect to be caught. I put them in the same class as shoppers who allow their grocery carts to scrape or "ding" cars in the parking lot. The only consolation is the knowledge that, in most cases, what goes around comes around. But it's small consolation, and never soon enough.
DEAR ABBY: The letters you printed from people sharing memories of President Harry Truman delighted me. May I add my own:
I was 10 years old. It was summer, and I was visiting my aunt and uncle, who happened to live just a mile west of the Truman Library in Independence, Mo. One afternoon they took me for a tour. To top it off, we walked around to the northwest side of the building where the former president's office was.
To our amazement, there he stood with his chauffeur, getting ready to leave in the biggest, shiniest black car I had ever seen. Instead of leaving, he greeted me, told his driver to unlock his office, and invited us inside for a visit! My only regret is that none of us had a camera.
Mr. Truman sat me down with him at his huge desk and told me I reminded him of his daughter, Margaret, because of my long blond hair and blue eyes. I was spellbound, to say the least. Then I noticed his big, black piano, and he asked me if I could play. I told him yes, and he insisted that I play something for him. I told him my favorite piece was the U.S. Marine Corps Hymn because my brother had joined and I had practiced long and hard on it. Mr. Truman said, "Play away!" Believe it or not, I made it through the whole hymn without missing a chord.
Today my husband and I live only 16 miles from Truman's birthplace, Lamar, Mo. I have visited it often and have shown it to every out-of-town visitor we've had.
I will always treasure the memory of one of America's most important men, a U.S. president who made time for an awestruck 10-year-old from southeast Kansas. -- JEANNE ECCHER, LAMAR, MO.
DEAR JEANNE: Thank you for sharing your heartwarming encounter with Harry Truman. And you didn't have to pony up a dime for it. My, how times have changed!
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MESSAGE OF SON'S DRUG USE PROMPTS PARENTS TO ATTACK
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Someone in Georgia," the mother of a child who had died from an overdose of drugs, prompts this letter. She asked why no one had warned her about her child's drug problem while he/she could be saved. Perhaps this is the reason why:
The mothers in our community have often discussed the necessity for openness and sharing information about each other's kids. Sadly, this commitment came crashing down on my family.
My son (I'll call him "Mike") spoke to school counselors about his friend "John's" drug experimentation, which he had both heard about and witnessed. Mike wasn't the first to reveal it to school staff. But he was the only one who agreed to tell John's parents about it while in a protected school setting, in the presence of professional counseling staff. Mike was sure that John's parents would believe him and appreciate his honesty if they heard it straight from him. My husband and I naively agreed.
The response was devastating. John's parents called Mike a "traitor," a "narc," and many names that are unprintable. John has predictably denied everything. His parents cried "conspiracy, competition, vindictiveness," and continue to claim that Mike had ulterior motives. They blamed the accuser and became aggressors instead of listeners, criticizing and questioning the motives of my entire family. Is making Mike the enemy and a scapegoat a twisted way to deflect attention away from their own son?
I now regret that I didn't tell Mike, "You don't tell on friends." But the knowledge had burdened him for months. I assumed that personal integrity, mutual respect and honest evaluation would prevail. But John's parents have remained in vehement denial, fueled by their child's accomplished lying.
The school principal tells me that it can take from 20 to 30 incidents -- even up to 60 -- for some parents to look objectively at a child's drug problem, and that the substance abuse is most likely still continuing or will return.
This has been awful. Our household is still reeling. We thought of John's parents as friends, fair people. Mike still feels threatened, and even I feel threatened.
Now I ask myself, if the situation had been reversed, would my husband and I have been any more objective? Parents want to believe their children; we need to believe them. Nobody wants to face the darker possibilities. No parent wants to think that perhaps their parenting skills or their family's communication system has failed.
"Someone in Georgia" stated that she would have listened. Ideally that would have been true. But when someone tried to reach her, perhaps she was steadfastly believing something else. -- SADDER AND WISER NOW
DEAR SADDER AND WISER: Your theory that the reaction of John's parents was an attempt to divert attention from their son by focusing their anger on yours is perceptive. Their protective instincts prevented them from keeping an open mind, and they went on the attack. It is possible that they would have been less hostile and defensive if you and your son had approached them privately, instead of involving school authorities in the intervention.
Please don't second-guess your own judgment. Your son did the right thing by speaking out. It showed courage and a sense of responsibility. No one does a friend a favor by remaining silent when friends engage in self-destructive and possibly life-threatening behavior.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)