Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Whose Heart Is Confused Needs to Sort Out His Feelings
DEAR ABBY: When you told "Confused Heart," "When in doubt, don't" and, " ... the sooner you set her free, the sooner she can begin healing so she can look for someone who will love her," you jumped to the conclusion that what he was experiencing was not love.
If he has not had examples of loving relationships in his life, as his letter indicates, he may need to work through his feelings with a therapist, alone or as a couple. But I'd hate to see him throw away a three-year relationship because of your advice. I have not known a single person contemplating marriage who hasn't experienced doubt, or wondered if the grass wasn't greener with another person.
My advice to "Confused" would be to find a therapist and work out his feelings about love, commitment and relationships. If his current relationship does not work out, he'll have a much clearer idea of what he is looking for in a mate the next time around. And who knows, his girlfriend may just be the "right" one after all. -- NO LONGER CONFUSED THANKS TO THERAPY
DEAR NO LONGER CONFUSED: I received a bushel of well-reasoned responses to the letter from "Confused Heart in Manhattan," the majority from readers who endorsed my answer. But I agree with you; counseling could be very helpful to that doubt-ridden young man. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was in a relationship like "Confused Heart's." I ended up dating a man for 13 years. He was too afraid of losing me to let me go, but all the while he never gave himself fully to me because he was always wondering what else was out there. Finally, I left him.
My advice: If, after three years of dating, you still have a difficult time picturing yourself with your friend for the rest of your life -- if it is not how you imagined things should be -- get out. To stay is simply leading your girlfriend on and giving her false hope. To jump into marriage at this point with all your doubts would surely make you another divorce statistic. You would always continue to wonder, as you have put it, "Is there real love out there?" -- HAPPILY MARRIED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR ABBY: I read with great empathy the letter from "Confused Heart," who loved his girlfriend but wasn't sure she was "the one." He wondered if he was living in a fairy tale world, or if there is a real love out there where there are no doubts.
I am 34 years old. I'm being married for the first time in June. As an adolescent I thought I wanted to get married as soon as possible, and regarded every guy I met as a potential mate. I stayed in some bad relationships because it was better than being alone. Over time, I matured, gained some self-esteem, and my expectations about relationships changed. I had several boyfriends, one of whom I grew to care for deeply. But I chose not to marry him because I, too, was unsure of what love was "supposed" to feel like. I didn't want to make a mistake and end up divorced.
Then I met Dan. I can't explain how I knew. I just "knew" Dan was the one for me. I had no doubts. Abby, of all the guys I dated, no one made me feel the way he does. He brings out the best in me. He's my best friend. He never gives me any reason to doubt his love for me.
I'm not saying that everyone should wait as long as I did to get married, but your advice was right on. If in doubt, DON'T -- and that applies to more than just marriage. When it's right, you'll know it. I hope "Confused Heart" makes the right choice. But as for me, I'm ... GLAD I WAITED
DEAR GLAD: Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I love happy endings.
DEAR ABBY: I am a police officer who spends many hours in local school programs trying to get children to trust police officers. It breaks my heart and angers me to hear an adult tell a child, "See that officer? If you don't behave, he's going to put you in jail."
The last time I heard a mother say this, she was talking to her 3-year-old son! This child then walked up to me almost in tears and asked, "Are you really going to put me to jail?"
That form of "discipline" is not fair to us or to the child. First of all, it's lying to the child. And someday if the child should get lost he will think, "I can't ask a police officer for help because he will put me in jail -- Mommy and Daddy said he would."
Law enforcement officers are there to help parents and children, but parents using us as threats thwart our efforts to protect these little ones. Please, parents, do not alienate your children from us. -- RICHARD K. TEAR, BALCH SPRINGS, TEXAS
DEAR OFFICER TEAR: I have published a number of such letters in the past, but this important message cannot be repeated too often.
Parents, it is essential that children be taught to respect the law and trust its officers, because not only do they fight crime, they also offer aid in times of crisis.
DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed your columns for many years but have never written to you before.
For a long time I have been concerned and embarrassed because someone in my family, whom I love very much, is a habitual liar. No matter what we say or do, he can't stop lying. He has told so many outrageous stories about the family that he has been disowned many times, but then given a second, third, fourth chance, ad infinitum. Please advise on what might help. Please don't print my name or town. -- CARING IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR CARING: When people lie compulsively, low self-esteem is often the root of the problem. Your family member may need the help of a psychologist to determine the cause of the problem and eliminate this destructive compulsion. I have been told that antidepressants are somewhat effective, but the cure is psychotherapy.
Show him this column and offer your support if he agrees to seek professional help. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are the proud parents of five children, ages 8, 5, 3, and twins who are nearly a year old. My dilemma begins when I take my children shopping. Abby, you wouldn't believe some of the comments I get: "You sure have your hands full!" "I wouldn't want to pay your grocery bills." "Better you than me." "Lady, you have too many kids!"
I'm beginning to dislike going shopping, and now become automatically defensive if someone approaches me.
My question is, should I respond to these insensitive people? If so, what do I say? I don't want to be rude, but I can't tell you how fed up I am with strangers minding my business. Yes, occasionally there is a good comment, but the negative greatly outweigh the positive. -- SEETHING IN OAKDALE, CONN.
DEAR SEETHING: It would be the better part of wisdom to just smile and keep walking.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: April 20-26 is Organ Donor Week. Because there is a shortage of donors, more than 49,000 Americans are waiting for lifesaving organ transplants.
For those who have decided to be donors: First and foremost, INFORM YOUR FAMILY! Even if you have signed an organ donor card (many states use the back of the driver's license), your family must consent to the donation before it can occur.
Abby, in the past you have printed a beautiful composition regarding organ donation. Printing it again could help in promoting donor awareness. Please do it for all of those who are waiting for the gift of life.
As a heart recipient, and on behalf of all other organ recipients, I want to express my gratitude to the families who, in the midst of their grief, generously donated the organs of their loved ones. Thank you and may God bless you. -- JACK ADAMS, HOOVER, ALA.
DEAR MR. ADAMS: Thank you for a powerful letter, and for the reminder that National Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness Week is a time of tribute to the thousands of compassionate and generous donor families who have consented to the gift of life, so that others might live.
Organs are matched with people on a national waiting list according to blood and tissue type and medical need, among other factors. The system of organ allocation is fair and highly ethical. Contrary to what some believe, most religions consider organs the ultimate charitable gift.
It is vital that individuals who wish to become organ donors discuss their decision with their families, since family consent is required.
The essay "To Remember Me," written by the late Robert Test, first appeared in my column in 1977. Copies suitable for framing may be obtained from The Living Bank, P.O. Box 6725, Houston, Texas 77005. The Living Bank also provides informational literature and organ donor cards. Information and donor cards can also be obtained from the National Kidney Foundation, 30 E. 33rd St., New York, N.Y. 10016, or contact your local organ procurement organization.
TO REMEMBER ME
The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress, located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and dying. At a certain moment, a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped.
When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine. And don't call this my deathbed. Let it be called the Bed of Life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives.
Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eyes of a woman.
Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain.
Give my blood to the teen-ager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play.
Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week.
Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.
Explore every corner of my brain. Take my cells, if necessary, and let them grow so that someday a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat, and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her window.
Burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow.
If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses, and all the prejudice against my fellow man.
Give my sins to the devil. Give my soul to God. If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked, I will live forever.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)