Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Division of Labor in Marriage Drives Couple to Separation
DEAR ABBY: Three weeks ago, after five years of marriage, my husband and I separated. During our five years together we accomplished many of our dreams. We purchased a home, opened the business he wanted and took our dream vacation. We're not from wealthy families, so we sacrificed to make our dreams come true and put off having children, which we both wanted very much.
I believed that marriage should be a 50/50 proposition, and so did my husband before we got married. Once we were married, it turned out that he thought household chores were the woman's responsibility. For the entire five years of our marriage, we struggled over this issue and argued over the smallest things.
For example, he'd get upset if I didn't pick up his plate after he ate, and I would get upset if he didn't pick it up himself. It bothered him so much he finally confessed there were times when he would eat out before coming home in order to avoid a confrontation.
In our last attempt at compromise, I told him I'd agree to do everything for him if he would support me and let me quit work. (I have a full-time job that is quite demanding.) I told him we could go back in time and live the way people used to live in the 1950s. His response was, "We're in the '90s and women are supposed to work. Look around and see. That's the way it is. Accept it."
So I'm asking you, Abby. Is that how a marriage in the '90s is? Am I wrong to believe that marriage should be 50/50? -- CONFUSED IN LAREDO
DEAR CONFUSED: No marriage is ever strictly 50/50. It is a series of compromises on the part of both parties, so that neither bears the entire burden of household responsibilities, financial obligations and emotional support.
Ideally a couple create their own balance and bolster each other in areas where the other is weak.
Your husband's demand that you bear the entire responsibility for the household chores plus hold a full-time job is chauvinistic. Show him this column and tell him he's the one who needs to look around and see how it is in the '90s.
DEAR ABBY: I am so furious I can hardly see to write this letter. Last week a man I met recently invited me to have dinner with him. We agreed on the day and time. It is now 45 minutes past the time he was supposed to pick me up and he has not called, and by now I don't expect him to.
Abby, I have been stood up by so many men that I am surprised when a planned date actually happens. I'm not talking about men who say, "I'll call you sometime," or "Let's get together sometime." I am referring to those who make a specific date with a specific activity planned. I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this; therefore, I don't know if this is normal behavior or not.
My question to you is this: The next time I get stood up, instead of ignoring it, would you suggest I call the man with whom I had the date and tell him that if he wanted to cancel our plans, he should have had the courtesy to call and tell me? -- ON MY WAY TO SEE A MOVIE WITH A GIRLFRIEND
DEAR ON MY WAY: It is extremely rude to make specific plans and then fail to show up, whether it is a date or an activity between friends. A phone call to the person who stood you up would not be out of line. Remind him or her that sometimes the sins of omission are far more cruel than the sins of commission.
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO WITH BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS
DEAR ABBY: For the last seven months, I was involved in a serious relationship with "Rocky." I became close with his parents as well. I baked cookies with his mother, watched television with his father and was considered part of the family.
Rocky and I began having difficulties. In the middle of one of our "breakups," his mother called me and told me how much she missed me. Even considering our young ages (16 and 17), she confessed she had hoped to see us marry one day. Her concern for my well-being touched me and I was grateful for her attention.
My relationship with Rocky has finally ended. It was my decision because I think he has a lot of growing up to do, and I don't see myself in his immediate future. But I miss the bond I had with Rocky's parents. Am I expected to remain friends with them, or do I now ignore their existence? I would appreciate any advice you can give me. -- C.F. IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR C.F.: You may find that as time passes, you will not be so eager to spend time with Rocky's parents. However, in the meantime, there is nothing to prevent you from maintaining a friendship with them if everyone is comfortable with the arrangement. Ask them how they feel about staying in touch with you.
DEAR ABBY: Why aren't you more honest with your readers and tell them why so many men are nervous about marriage? It's because the price of marriage is simply too high for most men. The majority lose 50 percent of their assets and 100 percent of their children when they divorce. They are the ones who pay child support. They are the ones who pay alimony. Men are the defendants in 70 percent of divorce cases and are blamed for most of the problems in a relationship.
Nobody would expect a man to invest in a business with a 50 percent failure rate and long-term financial and emotional consequences. So why are women surprised when men balk at such a foolhardy commitment as marriage?
For the sake of candor, please publish my letter. -- WISER IN WISCONSIN
DEAR WISER: Anyone who considers marriage a "foolhardy commitment" should stay single. Most people enter into marriage thinking it will work, and when it doesn't the fault is rarely one-sided.
DEAR ABBY: I recently came across a book my beloved late wife had stored away. It is called "Tell Me a Story," written by the late actor Charles Laughton. The book contains 60 short pieces which he read aloud to audiences for many years. The next day I read your column on the response to the grassroots literacy project Rolling Readers. How fitting!
Charles Laughton was a personal friend of mine, starting in the late '40s when I appeared with him in the production of Bertolt Brecht's play "Galileo." My wife, Nora Dunfee, spent her later years as a screen actress. You may have seen her. She played the elderly Southern lady in "Forrest Gump" who tells Forrest that he need not take the bus to find Jenny's house. She passed away while still active as a master teacher of speech at New York University's Tisch School of the Arts, where she taught for 28 years.
I am semiretired and am in the process of restoring the house where my wife was born on Christmas Day in 1915. In it will be a library containing over 1,000 books she collected during her 60-year teaching career.
In honor of my wife and all others who live to read, I'm looking forward to starting a chapter of Rolling Readers here in this tiny village. Thank you for this prized information. -- DAVID CLARKE, BELMONT, OHIO
DEAR DAVID: No village is too small to benefit from the Rolling Readers literacy project. I'm delighted you found the column helpful and wish you every success. For those who have missed it, the phone number for Rolling Readers is: (800) 390-READ. You can also write to P.O. Box 927315, San Diego, Calif. 92192, or visit the Web site at http://www.rollingreaders.org.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Helpline for Hearing Impaired Gives Parents Sense of Relief
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 28-year-old son who is deaf. He is a contributing member of his community and a wonderful father to his beautiful 3-year-old hearing son.
There is life after children -- even deaf ones, I'm happy to report. As a parent, I have arrived at this "normal" state with the help and wisdom of many who have been here before me -- professionals, parents of other deaf and hard-of-hearing children, and deaf and hard-of-hearing adults.
Many parents with young children recently discovered to be deaf or hard of hearing don't realize that they are in the mainstream. They feel isolated. I talk to some of them daily on the LEAD LINE of the House Ear Institute in Los Angeles.
Because so many parents, their friends and relatives get so much useful information from your column, Abby, I hope you will share two sources of information and support available to them: The first is the LEAD LINE, whose telephone numbers are 1-800-287-4763 in California and 1-800-352-8888 for the rest of the United States, or http://www.hei.org. As a parent with broad advisory support, I respond to LEAD LINE callers with up-to-date, unbiased information about whatever their concerns may be -- potty training to college programs.
The second is a recently published book for parents titled "The Silent Garden," new and completely revised, by Paul Ogden, Ph.D., a teacher trainer who also happens to be deaf since birth. Years ago, his first book was very important to me. This new book, published by Gallaudet University Press, provides parents with sensitive understanding of the issues and decisions before them, the choices available, and the personal recollections and insights of some of the 350 families and 500 deaf and hard-of-hearing adults who participated in interviews and discussions with him through the years. -- BARBARA LINCOLN, COORDINATOR, HOUSE EAR INSTITUTE LEAD LINE, LOS ANGELES
DEAR BARBARA: Thank you for sharing a valuable information resource. When a child is diagnosed with a severe hearing disability, not only do the parents need guidance, they also need reassurance that they can prepare their child for a rich and productive life. Between your helpline and Dr. Ogden's wealth of experience, parents of deaf and hard-of-hearing children should find an excellent resource to benefit their families.
DEAR ABBY: Mom and I have been arguing about something for a week or so. Recently while Mom was visiting her parents, she went into the bedroom for something and saw Grandpa's checkbook lying open on the dresser. She looked through it and discovered that for the past year, her parents had been giving large sums of money to her brothers and sisters.
When she came to me about it, I told her that it was none of her business and she was guilty of snooping. Mom says the fact that she was snooping is beside the point. She feels that she should talk to her parents about those checks her siblings are getting -- because she would like to get some money, too.
What do you think? -- TROUBLED DAUGHTER
DEAR TROUBLED DAUGHTER: Your mother was wrong to have gone through her father's checkbook. But since she did, she should now discuss it with her parents. If she doesn't, jealousy and resentment could fester and cause serious problems later among her siblings.
I agree it seems unfair. But her parents may have good reason for doing what they're doing.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)