For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOM WANTS TO BLOCK BOYFRIEND FROM DOING DAUGHTER MORE HARM
DEAR ABBY: My 17-year-old daughter (I'll call her Carrie) was dating a young man I'll call Brad for approximately nine months. Carrie has a part-time job that pays for her entertainment and also her gas and minor repairs to the car her father and I gave her. When the two of them went out, Carrie would drive because Brad did not have his license, let alone a car. He also did not have a job. He managed to find the money for tennis shoes that cost $150 a pair, but he never offered to put gas in her car.
About a month before Brad's birthday, he asked to borrow $50 from Carrie. He said he'd pay her back when he received money for his birthday. Well, his birthday came and went, and he made no attempt to pay back the money. He avoided her when she went to his house to collect. Neither would he return her phone calls. I was very upset and told her so. After a month of this, Carrie got fed up and finally told Brad to keep the money -- he was not worth it!
I recently found out that she has been seeing Brad behind my back. When I asked her about it, she said she did not tell me because she knew I would be angry. I told her that since her father and I were paying for the car, Brad was not to ride in it, and I did not want him calling my house. I put a block on my phone so that his calls would not be received. When Carrie found out about this, she became quite upset. Now his family's phone has been disconnected and Brad goes to a friend's house to call her. Every time he calls, I block that number also.
I have talked to Carrie about having respect for herself and not allowing others to take advantage of her. I know that this is not my fight, but by accepting Brad's behavior, she is allowing him to think he can continue to do this to people. (I have heard through the grapevine that this is not the first time he has done it.)
How can I convince her that Brad is no good and she should have more respect for herself? -- FRUSTRATED MOM IN NEW ORLEANS
DEAR MOM: Carrie is almost an adult, and you are not going to teach her self-respect by blocking her telephone calls. All you have accomplished with this tactic is to make yourself the "enemy" and drive your daughter into the arms of the young man who victimized her in the first place.
I doubt the lines of communication will open very far if you continue trying to block them behind your daughter's back. Some lessons can be expensive, and Carrie may have to learn them for herself. I wish you both luck.
DEAR ABBY: My parents got divorced when I was 11 months old. My dad got married again, and he and his wife live in Pennsylvania and I live in New Hampshire.
I have called my stepmother "Auntie" since I was old enough to talk, and I am sick of it. I would like to call her by her first name like everybody else does. I asked my dad if it would be OK, and he said, "No. It is disrespectful for children to call adults by their first name." Abby, I don't want to call her "Auntie" anymore.
What should I do? Sign me ... CONFUSED 11-YEAR-OLD IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR CONFUSED: Your father is right. It is disrespectful for children to call adults by their first name unless the adult has asked the child to do so.
However, there might be a chance for you and your stepmother to become good pals. Tell her that you would like to call her by another name; perhaps the two of you can work on it together. I think she would be flattered to be taken into your confidence.
MEN BECOMING WOMEN AREN'T TRESPASSING IN LADIES' ROOM
DEAR ABBY: You advised a pre-op transsexual to use the ladies' rest room, and I'll bet you caught heck for it. Abby, people who object to transsexuals using the rest room for the gender they are about to become may not be aware of the following: Male-to-female pre-op transsexuals are REQUIRED to live as a woman for one year prior to the surgery. This includes obtaining a driver's license in the new gender and name, with a signed form from their endocrinologist. They should not continue to use the men's rest room.
A pre-op transsexual has, by virtue of hormones taken, no interest in being in the women's rest room other than to use it. These individuals are doing everything they can to deal with their new identity. A male-to-female pre-op transsexual has, for all intents and purposes, made a permanent commitment and deserves support in this decision.
Believe me, they do not want to be discovered. They take great pains to make sure they are not. It's surprising that the person who wrote to you had not received coaching from his doctor.
In this era when gender and sexual expression are no longer being hidden in the closet, the woman next to you in the rest room may or may not look like she belongs in the ladies' room, but appearances are not a reliable clue to her real identity. Sign me ... WATCHED MY EX-BOYFRIEND GO THROUGH THE WHOLE PROCESS
DEAR WATCHED: I received a slew of mail from women who were outraged at the thought of a male using the women's rest room for any reason. So I did some further research and contacted John Bancroft, M.D., director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction. He said:
"I advise my transsexual or transgendered patients that when they present themselves as women they should use the women's rest room and vice versa. Women should feel no concern about the occasional transgendered person doing this. What such people want more than anything else is to be seen and accepted as a normal female. I provide my gender reassignment patients with a formal 'To Whom It May Concern' letter to carry at all times, explaining that they are in this process of transition -- and if there are any questions, to contact me."
I would like to thank you and Dr. Bancroft for your valuable contribution to this column.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is graduating from high school in May. She is a very special girl who has touched the lives of many people. We would like to extend invitations to these people to attend an open-house party, but we do not want them to feel obligated to bring a gift.
How can we tactfully communicate this message on our invitations? -- MINNEAPOLIS MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Use the old standby: "Your presence will be our daughter's cherished gift, and we respectfully request no other."
CONFIDENTIAL TO "TO DRESS, OR NOT TO DRESS": The following may help you make your decision: "All women's dresses are merely variations on the eternal struggle between the admitted desire to dress and the unadmitted desire to undress." -- LIN YUTANG, CHINESE PHILOSOPHER
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Those With Mental Illness Suffer From Being Shunned
DEAR ABBY: Why does mental illness, which affects millions of Americans, remain so stigmatized and misunderstood?
My son, Mike, finally heard the last voice calling out to him from nowhere and saw the last terrible scene that was only in his mind. He died in his sleep on July 28, 1992. He often told me that, if he could, he'd just "lie down and go to sleep forever, to end it all." He had battled the devastating illness of schizophrenia for many years -- and although the disease did not kill him, it made him pray to die.
No one should have to endure what schizophrenia does to the mind, but worse is what society does to its sufferers. If my son had been stricken with cancer, he would have received sympathy. Because he suffered instead from a mental illness that sometimes made him do weird things, he was treated as less than an animal by some people. Professionals in the judicial system referred to him as a "sorry piece of human flesh." He was shunned by people with whom he yearned to be friends, and ignored by some family and church members. He once confided that sometimes people would say they would be his friend and then, when they found out about him, they left.
Please, Abby, urge your readers who don't understand mental illness to try to. There is such a volume of information available today that there's no excuse for being ignorant about it. Mental illness affects one out of every four families. Please tell your readers that if they know anyone who's suffering from mental illness, to reach out. Look beyond the illness to the inner person. They need friends.
I only wish more people had gotten to know the Mike that a few in his life looked beyond the illness and found. -- JEAN KEY, PRESIDENT, UPPER-CUMBERLAND ALLIANCE FOR THE MENTALLY ILL, COOKEVILLE, TENN.
DEAR MRS. KEY: Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your beloved son. Perhaps your letter will provide insight to people who label the mentally ill as "weird" or "crazy," and fail to recognize that they are people with biologically based brain disorders.
More than 12.5 million families in the United States face the challenge of mental illness. For too many years the mentally ill and their families have been blamed and stigmatized. Often the stigma is more difficult to deal with than the disease itself, compounding the pain and sense of isolation.
In many parts of the country, it is difficult to find non-medical services for those with mental illness. Social, vocational and housing services are not available -- leaving the family to shoulder the entire burden of attending to the daily needs of their mentally ill family member.
More than half of the American public knows someone who has been diagnosed with a serious mental illness -- a family member, a friend or a co-worker -- yet stigmas and stereotypes persist. This shame keeps people who need it from seeking treatment and from reaching out for support from their communities. Yet with treatment, many people with mental illness can function in society.
The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill is a national umbrella organization for local support and advocacy groups for individuals and families affected by serious mental illness. The toll-free helpline (1-800-950-NAMI; 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. EDT) provides emotional support, referrals to local organizations and printed information to persons with serious mental illness and their family members. For further information, write: NAMI, 200 N. Glebe Road, Suite 1015, Arlington, Va. 22203-3754.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)