For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MEN BECOMING WOMEN AREN'T TRESPASSING IN LADIES' ROOM
DEAR ABBY: You advised a pre-op transsexual to use the ladies' rest room, and I'll bet you caught heck for it. Abby, people who object to transsexuals using the rest room for the gender they are about to become may not be aware of the following: Male-to-female pre-op transsexuals are REQUIRED to live as a woman for one year prior to the surgery. This includes obtaining a driver's license in the new gender and name, with a signed form from their endocrinologist. They should not continue to use the men's rest room.
A pre-op transsexual has, by virtue of hormones taken, no interest in being in the women's rest room other than to use it. These individuals are doing everything they can to deal with their new identity. A male-to-female pre-op transsexual has, for all intents and purposes, made a permanent commitment and deserves support in this decision.
Believe me, they do not want to be discovered. They take great pains to make sure they are not. It's surprising that the person who wrote to you had not received coaching from his doctor.
In this era when gender and sexual expression are no longer being hidden in the closet, the woman next to you in the rest room may or may not look like she belongs in the ladies' room, but appearances are not a reliable clue to her real identity. Sign me ... WATCHED MY EX-BOYFRIEND GO THROUGH THE WHOLE PROCESS
DEAR WATCHED: I received a slew of mail from women who were outraged at the thought of a male using the women's rest room for any reason. So I did some further research and contacted John Bancroft, M.D., director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction. He said:
"I advise my transsexual or transgendered patients that when they present themselves as women they should use the women's rest room and vice versa. Women should feel no concern about the occasional transgendered person doing this. What such people want more than anything else is to be seen and accepted as a normal female. I provide my gender reassignment patients with a formal 'To Whom It May Concern' letter to carry at all times, explaining that they are in this process of transition -- and if there are any questions, to contact me."
I would like to thank you and Dr. Bancroft for your valuable contribution to this column.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is graduating from high school in May. She is a very special girl who has touched the lives of many people. We would like to extend invitations to these people to attend an open-house party, but we do not want them to feel obligated to bring a gift.
How can we tactfully communicate this message on our invitations? -- MINNEAPOLIS MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Use the old standby: "Your presence will be our daughter's cherished gift, and we respectfully request no other."
CONFIDENTIAL TO "TO DRESS, OR NOT TO DRESS": The following may help you make your decision: "All women's dresses are merely variations on the eternal struggle between the admitted desire to dress and the unadmitted desire to undress." -- LIN YUTANG, CHINESE PHILOSOPHER
Those With Mental Illness Suffer From Being Shunned
DEAR ABBY: Why does mental illness, which affects millions of Americans, remain so stigmatized and misunderstood?
My son, Mike, finally heard the last voice calling out to him from nowhere and saw the last terrible scene that was only in his mind. He died in his sleep on July 28, 1992. He often told me that, if he could, he'd just "lie down and go to sleep forever, to end it all." He had battled the devastating illness of schizophrenia for many years -- and although the disease did not kill him, it made him pray to die.
No one should have to endure what schizophrenia does to the mind, but worse is what society does to its sufferers. If my son had been stricken with cancer, he would have received sympathy. Because he suffered instead from a mental illness that sometimes made him do weird things, he was treated as less than an animal by some people. Professionals in the judicial system referred to him as a "sorry piece of human flesh." He was shunned by people with whom he yearned to be friends, and ignored by some family and church members. He once confided that sometimes people would say they would be his friend and then, when they found out about him, they left.
Please, Abby, urge your readers who don't understand mental illness to try to. There is such a volume of information available today that there's no excuse for being ignorant about it. Mental illness affects one out of every four families. Please tell your readers that if they know anyone who's suffering from mental illness, to reach out. Look beyond the illness to the inner person. They need friends.
I only wish more people had gotten to know the Mike that a few in his life looked beyond the illness and found. -- JEAN KEY, PRESIDENT, UPPER-CUMBERLAND ALLIANCE FOR THE MENTALLY ILL, COOKEVILLE, TENN.
DEAR MRS. KEY: Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your beloved son. Perhaps your letter will provide insight to people who label the mentally ill as "weird" or "crazy," and fail to recognize that they are people with biologically based brain disorders.
More than 12.5 million families in the United States face the challenge of mental illness. For too many years the mentally ill and their families have been blamed and stigmatized. Often the stigma is more difficult to deal with than the disease itself, compounding the pain and sense of isolation.
In many parts of the country, it is difficult to find non-medical services for those with mental illness. Social, vocational and housing services are not available -- leaving the family to shoulder the entire burden of attending to the daily needs of their mentally ill family member.
More than half of the American public knows someone who has been diagnosed with a serious mental illness -- a family member, a friend or a co-worker -- yet stigmas and stereotypes persist. This shame keeps people who need it from seeking treatment and from reaching out for support from their communities. Yet with treatment, many people with mental illness can function in society.
The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill is a national umbrella organization for local support and advocacy groups for individuals and families affected by serious mental illness. The toll-free helpline (1-800-950-NAMI; 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. EDT) provides emotional support, referrals to local organizations and printed information to persons with serious mental illness and their family members. For further information, write: NAMI, 200 N. Glebe Road, Suite 1015, Arlington, Va. 22203-3754.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Hair Stylist Without a Clue Gives Unkindest Cut of All
DEAR ABBY: I am sitting here half-bald after a horrendous trip to two hairdressers. The first did such a terrible job that I was forced to go elsewhere to get my hairdo repaired.
I went to the first salon for a simple trim. Although I explained what I wanted and even showed a picture to the hairdresser, I had the uneasy feeling she didn't understand. At that point, however, my hair had already been washed and I felt as though I had no choice but to go through with the haircut.
When she was finished, I was left with a disaster on my head. My hair was much shorter than I'd requested, with two thin layers that didn't blend together. I looked ridiculous and the hairdresser knew it. She asked me if I wanted her to take a little more off the top to help blend the layers, but I quickly said no. She charged me $24, which I reluctantly paid. I then had to pay more money to correct the disaster on my head.
After hours of combing, curling and crying, I am turning to you for advice. Can you help me and others like me by answering: After getting a "bad vibe" from a stylist, is it socially acceptable to refuse service (even after he/she has washed your hair)? What is the best way to find out what a stylist's concept of an inch is? If you are dissatisfied with your haircut, can you refuse to pay for it? -- ALL CHOPPED UP AND NO PLACE TO GO
DEAR ALL CHOPPED UP: You have my sympathy. If it's any comfort, your experience is not that uncommon.
Clear communication is the key. You should discuss your expectations in advance, and make sure they are clearly understood before any work is done on your hair. If you are uneasy, you can leave at any time, even if your hair has already been shampooed. You should not have to pay for anything that is not satisfactory. Reputable salons will not insist that you do.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old housewife. After 31 years of marriage, my husband suddenly asked me for a divorce.
Over the years he has given me some very nice pieces of jewelry. I don't want to sell any of it unless I really need the money. It has a lot of sentimental value. Besides, I have seven daughters, two daughters-in-law and several granddaughters whom I would like eventually to inherit my jewelry.
My quandary is this: I would like to continue wearing these pieces occasionally. I also want to continue to wear my wedding rings since, to my way of thinking, I am still bound by the marriage vows we took (twice).
Is there any etiquette governing my situation? -- WONDERING IN TEXAS
DEAR WONDERING: You may continue to wear all of your jewelry in any manner you wish. However, you are still a relatively young woman, and divorced women who entertain the idea of someday marrying again often have the stones from their wedding and engagement rings reset into another kind of ring, which they wear on their right hand.
You would be wise to specify which pieces of jewelry you would like each family member to have. I urge you to consult a lawyer and put it in writing.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)