To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Some Life Lessons Are Best Taught Outside the Classroom
DEAR ABBY: I join the many who have valued your sage wisdom through the years. This letter is in response to "Brian Chiedo of Dallas," who wrote that the English teacher should not teach sex education but stick to what she is employed to teach.
Abby, my wife is a ninth- and 10th-grade science teacher at our local high school, Travelers Rest High. Three years ago, our school developed a new class called Community Service. Its purpose is to actively involve students, primarily juniors and seniors, in various civic activities.
Each day, these kids leave their school for an hour and a half to learn lessons about life by volunteering in nursing homes, feeding the homeless at the local soup kitchen, helping to distribute food to the needy at the local food pantry, mentoring preschool children at a day care center or working at city hall. The education these students receive is invaluable, and at the same time, they are giving back to their community.
None of these benefits would have been possible if my wife -- and other teachers -- had "stuck to the subjects they were hired to teach." How proud I am of my wife, the science teacher who volunteered to develop the curriculum and "teach" this pilot class.
Our community is very fortunate to have teachers who are willing to look for subjects that need to be taught and who never stop looking for ways to communicate with and reach our young people -- even when the subjects fall outside the realm of traditional instruction. -- RICK BLACKWELL, MARIETTA, S.C.
DEAR MR. BLACKWELL: Thank you for your thought-provoking letter. You should indeed be proud of your wife and her colleagues who have improvised an original and creative way to stimulate your community's most precious resources -- its youth and its educators. Bravo!
DEAR ABBY: Last year a close friend and her husband took early retirement, bought an RV and have been traveling ever since. She has always written lots of letters to relatives and friends, but now she writes daily diaries, detailing what they had for meals each day, what she bought at the discount store and the daily temperature. Then she photocopies and sends the same "letter" to everyone. Sometimes we get as many as 12 typed, single-spaced sheets (front and back) of their daily activities.
Abby, I do not have the time or desire to hear what they ate (in one letter she gave us a full description of their illness after a bad meal!) and how much mileage they made on a tank of gas. I suppose I could just toss the letter when it arrives, but I worry that she will say something important somewhere. That did happen once, on page 5, day 22, when she disclosed that her sister had died. I had to read the whole dissertation to glean that news.
All of us dread going to the mailbox to find the letter from hell. We would appreciate any suggestion you have. -- MAILBOX MADNESS
DEAR M.M.: Unless you're prepared to level with this compulsive diarist, prepare to continue receiving copies of her daily log. You don't say how many friends are involved here, but an alternative might be for each of you to take turns reading one of the "letters" and be responsible for letting the others know the contents.
Husband's Affair With Teen Is Crime as Well as 'Mistake'
DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, I found out my husband had a two-year affair with my teen-age sister. The affair began with my husband raping her, but she didn't disclose it and she didn't discourage him when he approached her again for sex.
At first he denied everything. He had always been basically a good husband and father, so I believed his denial. When I found out it really happened, I told him it was disgusting and could land him in jail. He apologized, saying it was a "mistake" and asked me to forgive him. I couldn't accept his apology and filed for legal separation.
He calls me daily asking for forgiveness and begging me to take him back. My friends, who don't know the whole sordid story, say I should forgive him and take him back. My family says it's the "Christian thing to do."
Abby, I don't miss him, don't like him and don't want him back. But I have no moral support except for our children, who don't want me to take him back. In spite of my feelings, I'm considering letting him come back to get him and everyone else off my back, and also because I'm afraid I will be alone the rest of my life.
I'm completely self-supporting financially, so that is not the issue.
If you were me, what would your decision be? -- UNDECIDED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR UNDECIDED: A two-year affair with a minor is far more than just a "mistake." Your husband may be guilty of statutory rape, and your sister may need counseling to cope with the trauma of having been molested.
Were I in your shoes, I not only would refuse to take him back, I would also see that my sister got counseling, and encourage her to report the rape and subsequent sexual abuse to the authorities.
DEAR ABBY: May I suggest a wonderful idea for showers for second or third babies?
Before my second child was born, my friends got together and gave me a shower of frozen home-cooked meals. I then prepared more frozen meals, and for a month after the baby came I didn't have to spend much time in the kitchen.
A new mother is so busy with the new baby and older children that this is welcome relief from a time-consuming chore. Also, we were able to sample the culinary skills of our friends -- which was a welcome change from my home cooking. -- NICOLE ANDREWS, SACRAMENTO
DEAR NICOLE: This isn't the first time I've heard about a practical shower of this kind, but the idea bears repeating. I can well imagine how these meals would be appreciated at such a busy time. Your friends merit stars in their crowns.
DEAR ABBY: I have read and enjoyed your column for years, and I have learned from it, too. I have quite a collection of your columns that I keep for referral to friends and family when needed.
Referring to your answer to "Miss X," the pre-surgical transsexual who asked about using the women's rest room, you may want to remind him (her) to lower the panties and sit, rather than stand.
My sister was in a rest room recently and was quite surprised when she looked down to see feet pointing toward the wall and heard "water running" in the next stall. She didn't know whether to stay in her stall or venture out to see who would be coming out from next door. Curiosity got the best of her and she observed the occupant leaving, walking very unsteadily on "her" high heels.
Just when these cross-dressers think they have thought of everything, they forget to point their feet in the right direction. -- JOYCE IN RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR JOYCE: I'm sure you will agree that some habits become so ingrained they are hard to break.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Parents Begin to See Through Son's Long Distance Deception
DEAR ABBY: We need advice about our 21-year-old son. We are a military family stationed overseas. Our son started college in the United States in June 1994. We give him $400 per month to help with his expenses, plus additional money for emergencies.
He phoned us a few days ago asking for more money for his tuition. No problem. But when we telephoned the school to get an address, we discovered that he is no longer a student! In fact, he dropped out in August 1994, after excessive absenteeism.
He never remembers us on Christmas or holidays, nor does he ever mention the gifts and money we send him. We have found that almost everything he tells us is a lie. When we confront him, he cries and says he's sorry.
We've always tried to support him and his decisions, but I'm getting tired of his behavior. He never finishes anything.
We urged him to go to college after high school, but he joined the Army instead. After one year, he dropped out. We don't know why, and when we asked, we were given an unbelievable story.
My husband and I both work hard, and we're not wealthy. Our other two children are on their own and self-supporting. My husband wants to continue to send this son money. I want to stop, hoping he will grow up.
Abby, we need unbiased advice. -- MILITARY MOM IN ASIA
DEAR MILITARY MOM: Your son sounds like an accomplished "con" man. However, he is an adult now. You do him no favors by continuing to support him and caving in to his lies. Write him a letter telling him what you know about his deception. Send him a final check, and tell him to get a job if he doesn't already have one.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to the many letters I have read in your column from women who complain about how some men treat them.
I dated a woman for quite a while, and from the very moment we met, it was obvious to me that she would not be treated as anything BUT the lady she considered herself to be.
She projected it in many ways: She spoke in a ladylike manner, she walked like a lady and dressed in a very feminine manner -- not to say at all that she was lacking in passion or cool to the touch. Quite the opposite!
I responded in kind, and it was a pleasure to be with her. When we were together, I became the gentleman I wanted to be, and vice versa! Any ladies out there? -- WARREN
DEAR WARREN: MANY ladies out there! They don't always come well-dressed, well-spoken or traditionally "feminine" in manner. I have encountered many plain-spoken, trouser-clad, less-than-graceful women who have great depth, high moral standards and sensitive, caring souls. It is not simply a matter of how she dresses and speaks, but rather it's how she THINKS.
When you treat women with respect, it is usually reciprocated.
DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to your printing the Ten Commandments in your column and the complaints you received: You cannot please all the people all the time.
I would like to add: You did please the most important one -- God himself.
Some of your readers said you left out some words or misquoted the commandments. Abby, it depends on the version from which you quoted. It is not the commandments that differ; it's only the way they are said.
God bless you. -- FAITHFUL READER, SEALED WITH HIS LOVE AND MINE, PEORIA, ARIZ.
DEAR FAITHFUL READER: Thanks. I needed that.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)