For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband's Affair With Teen Is Crime as Well as 'Mistake'
DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, I found out my husband had a two-year affair with my teen-age sister. The affair began with my husband raping her, but she didn't disclose it and she didn't discourage him when he approached her again for sex.
At first he denied everything. He had always been basically a good husband and father, so I believed his denial. When I found out it really happened, I told him it was disgusting and could land him in jail. He apologized, saying it was a "mistake" and asked me to forgive him. I couldn't accept his apology and filed for legal separation.
He calls me daily asking for forgiveness and begging me to take him back. My friends, who don't know the whole sordid story, say I should forgive him and take him back. My family says it's the "Christian thing to do."
Abby, I don't miss him, don't like him and don't want him back. But I have no moral support except for our children, who don't want me to take him back. In spite of my feelings, I'm considering letting him come back to get him and everyone else off my back, and also because I'm afraid I will be alone the rest of my life.
I'm completely self-supporting financially, so that is not the issue.
If you were me, what would your decision be? -- UNDECIDED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR UNDECIDED: A two-year affair with a minor is far more than just a "mistake." Your husband may be guilty of statutory rape, and your sister may need counseling to cope with the trauma of having been molested.
Were I in your shoes, I not only would refuse to take him back, I would also see that my sister got counseling, and encourage her to report the rape and subsequent sexual abuse to the authorities.
DEAR ABBY: May I suggest a wonderful idea for showers for second or third babies?
Before my second child was born, my friends got together and gave me a shower of frozen home-cooked meals. I then prepared more frozen meals, and for a month after the baby came I didn't have to spend much time in the kitchen.
A new mother is so busy with the new baby and older children that this is welcome relief from a time-consuming chore. Also, we were able to sample the culinary skills of our friends -- which was a welcome change from my home cooking. -- NICOLE ANDREWS, SACRAMENTO
DEAR NICOLE: This isn't the first time I've heard about a practical shower of this kind, but the idea bears repeating. I can well imagine how these meals would be appreciated at such a busy time. Your friends merit stars in their crowns.
DEAR ABBY: I have read and enjoyed your column for years, and I have learned from it, too. I have quite a collection of your columns that I keep for referral to friends and family when needed.
Referring to your answer to "Miss X," the pre-surgical transsexual who asked about using the women's rest room, you may want to remind him (her) to lower the panties and sit, rather than stand.
My sister was in a rest room recently and was quite surprised when she looked down to see feet pointing toward the wall and heard "water running" in the next stall. She didn't know whether to stay in her stall or venture out to see who would be coming out from next door. Curiosity got the best of her and she observed the occupant leaving, walking very unsteadily on "her" high heels.
Just when these cross-dressers think they have thought of everything, they forget to point their feet in the right direction. -- JOYCE IN RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR JOYCE: I'm sure you will agree that some habits become so ingrained they are hard to break.
Parents Begin to See Through Son's Long Distance Deception
DEAR ABBY: We need advice about our 21-year-old son. We are a military family stationed overseas. Our son started college in the United States in June 1994. We give him $400 per month to help with his expenses, plus additional money for emergencies.
He phoned us a few days ago asking for more money for his tuition. No problem. But when we telephoned the school to get an address, we discovered that he is no longer a student! In fact, he dropped out in August 1994, after excessive absenteeism.
He never remembers us on Christmas or holidays, nor does he ever mention the gifts and money we send him. We have found that almost everything he tells us is a lie. When we confront him, he cries and says he's sorry.
We've always tried to support him and his decisions, but I'm getting tired of his behavior. He never finishes anything.
We urged him to go to college after high school, but he joined the Army instead. After one year, he dropped out. We don't know why, and when we asked, we were given an unbelievable story.
My husband and I both work hard, and we're not wealthy. Our other two children are on their own and self-supporting. My husband wants to continue to send this son money. I want to stop, hoping he will grow up.
Abby, we need unbiased advice. -- MILITARY MOM IN ASIA
DEAR MILITARY MOM: Your son sounds like an accomplished "con" man. However, he is an adult now. You do him no favors by continuing to support him and caving in to his lies. Write him a letter telling him what you know about his deception. Send him a final check, and tell him to get a job if he doesn't already have one.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to the many letters I have read in your column from women who complain about how some men treat them.
I dated a woman for quite a while, and from the very moment we met, it was obvious to me that she would not be treated as anything BUT the lady she considered herself to be.
She projected it in many ways: She spoke in a ladylike manner, she walked like a lady and dressed in a very feminine manner -- not to say at all that she was lacking in passion or cool to the touch. Quite the opposite!
I responded in kind, and it was a pleasure to be with her. When we were together, I became the gentleman I wanted to be, and vice versa! Any ladies out there? -- WARREN
DEAR WARREN: MANY ladies out there! They don't always come well-dressed, well-spoken or traditionally "feminine" in manner. I have encountered many plain-spoken, trouser-clad, less-than-graceful women who have great depth, high moral standards and sensitive, caring souls. It is not simply a matter of how she dresses and speaks, but rather it's how she THINKS.
When you treat women with respect, it is usually reciprocated.
DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to your printing the Ten Commandments in your column and the complaints you received: You cannot please all the people all the time.
I would like to add: You did please the most important one -- God himself.
Some of your readers said you left out some words or misquoted the commandments. Abby, it depends on the version from which you quoted. It is not the commandments that differ; it's only the way they are said.
God bless you. -- FAITHFUL READER, SEALED WITH HIS LOVE AND MINE, PEORIA, ARIZ.
DEAR FAITHFUL READER: Thanks. I needed that.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Avoid Being Taken by 'Charity' by Giving Only Through Mail
DEAR ABBY: Your recent piece on telephone scams aimed at seniors prompts me to share some ways of preventing being taken. After 34 years in enforcing consumer protection laws, now retired, I learned that there are two ways to avoid becoming the victim of a scam.
First, never contribute to a "charitable" organization over the telephone, even if you are familiar with the name. Ask that the caller send you a written solicitation. If they have your telephone number, they also have your address. Callers who decline to send me a written solicitation or insist on a telephone pledge find themselves talking into a dead line because I hang up.
Second, never buy anything by telephone, unless you dial the call. Whenever I receive a telephone solicitation, I tell the caller that I NEVER buy anything over the telephone -- and I never contribute in response to a telephoned solicitation for ANY charity. -- ALBERT F. LIMBERG, CONCORD, CALIF.
DEAR MR. LIMBERG: Thank you for a valuable clarification. And in addition, if the "charity caller" says that he or she is phoning because it saves the charity postage costs -- ignore it, and get the request in writing.
DEAR ABBY: In response to your column in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, "Abby Takes Heat for Printing the Ten Commandments" -- let me offer this response.
Just think of all the readers you touched and informed with your column on the Ten Commandments. Bravo! And even the criticism was a learning experience for both you and your millions of readers. Mahatma Gandhi said it best: "Throughout my life I have gained more from my critic friends than from my admirers, especially when the criticism was made in a courteous and friendly manner."
So, Abby, keep on keeping on. Your "critic friends" are alert and concerned readers. As the cynic would say, "I don't know what you're doing wrong -- but keep it up!"
Shalom. -- FATHER GUY GURATH, IMMACULATE CONCEPTION CHURCH, JUNEAU, WIS.
DEAR FATHER GUY: Thank you for the kind words. I was surprised by the amount of critical mail my column generated.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding your letter about the Ten Commandments: I am reminded of the church minister who told his deacon that someone had stolen his bicycle and he suspected that the thief was a member of his congregation.
The next Sunday he decided to preach a sermon about the Ten Commandments because he felt that when he got to the commandment that says, "Thou shalt not steal," the thief would be shamed into returning the bicycle.
The next Sunday, his topic was the Ten Commandments, but about halfway through his sermon, he abruptly switched his sermon to another subject.
Later the deacon asked him why he had changed his sermon. "Well," the minister said, "when I got to the commandment that says, 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my bicycle." -- DON MASSEY, LITTLE ELM, TEXAS
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)