For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Family Trip of a Lifetime Has Trouble Getting Off the Ground
DEAR ABBY: My parents have invited my wife and me and my two sisters and their families on a 12-day cruise at their expense. They have never made such a trip before, and my father's declining health may make traveling impossible in the future. Both my wife and I get along with my parents very well. We see them once or twice a year.
Our problem: They have invited only grandchildren who are more than 6 years of age. There are many reasons: Small children would make the trip less relaxing for everyone; there are a variety of programs for children aged 6 and older, but not younger; the cabins accommodate only groups of four; and younger children wouldn't remember the trip anyway.
My wife and I would be taking two of our children and leaving two -- ages 2 and 4 -- at home. One of my sisters would be leaving two of her four children at home, and my other sister would be leaving both of hers. We have a very reliable friend who has taken care of all of our children when my wife and I have gone away together (for as long as six days), so that's not the issue.
I see this as a wonderful opportunity. Our older children would have the time of their lives, and while I'd miss the younger ones, I also know they would be just fine. My wife, however, feels it would be difficult for the 4-year-old. Although neither of us feels he would suffer permanent emotional scars, my wife says she wouldn't enjoy the trip if she had to worry about him. She feels put on the spot by my parents by being forced either to be the party pooper or to do something she feels uncomfortable about.
She says it would be much easier on the 4-year-old if we took none of the children, but I would love to share this experience with the older ones. She has offered to stay home while I take the older two, but I like that idea even less.
The issue has been tabled for the last three months, but our positions have not changed. I'm unwilling to concede that the trip, as planned, needs to be scrapped. She's unwilling to concede that it would be no big deal to leave the two younger children at home.
How should this be resolved? -- ONE FAMILY'S FORTUNE
DEAR FORTUNE: Since your father's health is such that this might be the only time a special family reunion is possible, I would hate to see you scrap the trip. Events like this add to the richness of family lore, from which all family members will benefit. Children understand that there are special privileges that come with being older, just as there are special privileges given to younger ones. The younger children's stay at home can be made special with some creative planning -- and the baby sitter could take them on daily outings.
There is much to be gained by taking the trip the way your parents offered it. I hope your wife reconsiders her position. If she doesn't, you and she must decide who gets left standing at the dock -- your two older children, or your mate.
DEAR ABBY: For the last year I have been reading your column and I am now a faithful fan. Something has really been troubling me.
A few days ago, I was in a church hall when a woman carrying a baby came in and sat down next to me on the bench. I must add that the baby was a beautiful one.
I could not tell whether the baby was a boy or a girl, and I could not think of a polite way of asking the mother. What would have been a polite way of finding out? -- AMBER IN SACRAMENTO
DEAR AMBER: You could have said, "My, what a beautiful baby. What did you name this adorable child?"
BOYFRIEND'S ANGRY REACTION OFFERS CLUE TO PAINFUL TRUTH
DEAR ABBY: I would really appreciate your help in understanding the real issue in this situation.
My boyfriend, with whom I have been living for the past seven years, keeps a post office box in another town. I have been curious as to why, so I asked him last night because the subject of mail came up. (I had asked before, but got no reasonable answer.) He immediately became agitated and defensive and said it was none of my business. I told him that he was not reacting rationally and the reason he offered -- that he didn't want to do the paperwork to switch over to our hometown post office or home delivery -- didn't make any sense to me.
At that point he stomped away from the dinner table and claimed the real reason I asked that question had to do with lack of trust.
It's true, Abby. When our relationship was rocky a year ago, I learned that other women used that P.O. box to write to him. (He never confessed his affairs; I discovered them myself and confronted him.)
What is the real reason he is keeping this P.O. box?
He says he wants to marry me, but given his verbally abusive and physically threatening behavior last night, I have grave doubts that he can be trusted to build an honest relationship. He wouldn't even speak to me this morning.
What is really going on here? -- SEALED WITH A TEAR IN OREGON
DEAR SEALED: The truth is obvious -- but it's too painful for you to accept. He can't be trusted. Sorry.
DEAR ABBY: I am a Catholic priest who left the church 38 years ago to marry a widow with seven children. That wonderful woman died last June. Before she died, she made me promise that I would remarry.
At the time, I couldn't imagine marrying again, but while attending a grief session at the hospice center, I met an ex-nun who was also grieving, and we have been together ever since. Someday we may marry. I am 72 now and considering it. Why should I be lonely? Life is too short.
My stepchildren fear that I will be out of their lives and will forget about them if I remarry. I say "rubbish" to that. What I will be doing is giving them another mother.
What do you think, Abby? If you print this letter, I'm sure they will see it and maybe they'll feel less resentful about me and my grieving friend. Sign me ... SAD GRANDPA
DEAR SAD GRANDPA: Give your stepchildren time to get to know the woman you want to marry. I can't imagine why, after you've been in their lives for 38 years, they fear that you will "forget" about them.
Remember your promise to your dying wife. (It seems she judged her children's reaction with accurate foresight.) I believe you've earned the right to some happiness in your remaining years. Follow your heart, and God bless you.
CONFIDENTIAL TO ASPIRING ACTRESS IN ACTON, CALIF.: Remember, average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top. Don't settle for less than your potential -- strive for the best.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Lonely Widow Cherishes Friend's Anniversary Letter
DEAR ABBY: After my father died unexpectedly, I didn't know what to do when my parents' next wedding anniversary came along. I was young -- under 30 -- and was not aware of the proper procedure. Should I buy my mother a gift, as I had always done for them in the past? Would it be better not to even mention the date to my mother? As I recall, I invited my mother for dinner, no gift, and only a mention of what day it was when we finished dinner. Now I feel I did the right thing. She knew I remembered, and she was not alone for dinner.
My husband died unexpectedly last summer. Today would have been our 54th wedding anniversary. In the past we had exchanged cards with certain friends and relatives on such an occasion. Yesterday I received a lovely letter from our best man's widow, recalling pleasant times we shared in the past. That is the only indication from anyone that the anniversary of our special day was today. I appreciated the letter I received so much, but I am sad that no other close friend or relative remembered.
I would suggest that when close friends or relatives are in a similar situation, sending a "thinking of you" card would be much appreciated. I feel so alone and forgotten -- and ashamed that I have been guilty of the same neglect of others in the past. I didn't realize how much it would mean to know that others remembered, too. No name or city, please. Just sign me ... SAD WIDOW IN ILLINOIS
DEAR SAD WIDOW: Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your beloved husband. There is much to be learned from your letter about the value of reaching out to others.
DEAR ABBY: One of my family members was recently married. She kept her last name and added her husband's name to it, so that she is now Mary Smith-Jones. Her husband is, of course, Harry Jones.
This past Christmas, my parents bought them a gift and addressed the card to "The Jones Family." My relative threw a fit, complaining that she was not included on the card. My mother countered that had she addressed the card to the "Smith-Jones Family," the husband would not have been included.
The way I see it, my mother is right. If the gift were only to my relative, it would be addressed to Mary Smith-Jones, but if it's to both, it should be "The Jones Family."
What is the proper way to address the whole family? Do we have to write out Mr. Jones and Mrs. Smith-Jones? To me, that's just a waste of time when we could simply write "The Jones Family."
Please settle this controversy and tell us how it's done. -- FEUDING FAMILY
DEAR FEUDING FAMILY: According to the etiquette books, you will have to make the extra effort if you wish to properly address the entire family. As it says in "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, Entirely Rewritten and Updated," by Nancy Tuckerman and Nancy Dunnan: "When addressing an envelope to a couple when the wife has kept her maiden name (or hyphenated it with her husband's), write 'Ms. Mary Smith-Jones and Mr. Harry Jones' on the same line. If a couple's combined names are too long to fit on one line, address the envelope on two lines with the woman's name on the first, and the man's on the second, preceded by 'and.' The 'and,' when slightly indented and written out, indicates that the two are married."
CONFIDENTIAL TO "LOVES PEOPLE" IN LOUISVILLE: Mae West once said, "I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign." You're in good company!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)