Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bulimic Girl Seeks to Purge Pressure From Parents to Diet
DEAR ABBY: I am 18 years old and recently went from 180 pounds to 130. I've dropped six pants sizes, plus two more sizes in shirts. You can definitely see the difference.
Ever since I was a little girl, my parents have bugged me to lose weight, even though I was healthy and well-built. I played sports and ran track, so a lot of my weight was muscle, but my parents always wanted me to look like a tiny gymnast in miniskirts, so they bribed me to lose weight. By the time I was in the eighth grade, I was so depressed about my weight that I considered suicide.
About 6 1/2 years ago, I began sticking my fingers down my throat every time I ate. Now I throw up after I eat whether I stick my finger down my throat or not. I know it's not healthy. I know I am bulimic, and it is not a joke.
I want to have a husband and children someday, but I know that won't happen unless I get well. You can bet that if I'm lucky enough to have children, I'll love them no matter what size they are.
Please tell me where I can get help, Abby. And please tell parents to stop criticizing their overweight children. Help them lose weight, yes, but constant nagging and poking fun only lead to desperate measures on the part of the child. -- READY TO MOVE ON IN HOBBS, N.M.
DEAR READY TO MOVE ON: It is a sad commentary that someone as young as you had to resort to such drastic and life-threatening measures.
Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized in part by a preoccupation with food, binge eating (usually in secret) and purging after eating. The disorder is generally accompanied by depression, shame and guilt, mood swings, low self-esteem and withdrawal from normal social activities. Physically, bulimics can suffer from malnutrition, dehydration, tears in the esophagus, and serious heart, kidney and liver damage. If left untreated, it can even be fatal.
It is important to recognize that food is not at the heart of any eating disorder. Parents, if you feel that you or your child may have an eating disorder, either bulimia nervosa or anorexia nervosa, do not blame or try to make your child feel guilty. Express your love and support and try to be understanding. Realize that your child is terrified of something, and seek professional help immediately.
For information on eating disorders and a referral to a doctor, therapist and support group in your area, contact the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders by writing to: ANAD, Box 7, Highland Park, Ill. 60035. Enclose a long (business-size), self-addressed, stamped (55 cents) envelope. ANAD's hotline, answered by understanding counselors, is (847) 831-3438.
DEAR ABBY: I am a clerk in a store. Recently I asked a young female customer a question. She replied, "Yes, ma'am."
"Ma'am" and "Sir" may seem old-fashioned and out of style, and to some people they smack of servitude, but it fell sweetly on my ears. It was a welcome display of manners, since only minutes before I had heard another young female shopper tell her child, "Get your a-- over here!" -- MILWAUKEE MANNERS MOURNER
DEAR MOURNER: While formal etiquette is not as prevalent as it once was, the majority of people still practice casual good manners.
However, the parent who speaks crudely to her child, regardless of how annoyed she may be, is in for a rude awakening, because in a few years her child will be responding to her in the same manner.
FRIENDS DON'T ALLOW FRIENDS TO DESTROY LIVES WITH DRUGS
DEAR ABBY: I have a serious problem with my best friend. "Jennifer" and I used to tell each other everything, and I thought our friendship would be forever. But recently I have not been able to understand her at all.
Jennifer has started using drugs. I knew she was smoking pot, but she had promised me she wouldn't do anything heavier. Now I know she was lying to me. I've tried to get her to quit, but it's getting worse every day. We argue a lot and sometimes she swears at me. (She never did that before she was on drugs.)
We are students, and I can't study because I'm so worried about her.
Two weeks ago I decided I couldn't stand it any more and made a decision to stay away from her. I still would like to be Jennifer's friend because I remember what a sweet girl she used to be. But now I don't know if I even like her. Even though I feel freedom after separating from her, I worry that maybe I'm making her life worse by not being there for her when she needs me.
Abby, should I still be a friend of hers or not? -- CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CONFUSED: Your friend is in serious trouble, and if you continue to keep her drug use a secret, you will be letting her down. She needs help. And the way to see that she gets it is to tell your parents, or a trusted teacher or school counselor what's going on. This is not the same thing as tattling -- you would be helping to save her life.
I recently printed a letter from the mother of a young man who had overdosed on drugs. That letter, and the accompanying piece, "King Heroin," produced an outpouring of mail from addicts and alcoholics, as well as from their families and friends.
A strong message of hope came from those who had found recovery in a 12-step program. Read on for a sample:
DEAR ABBY: I'm almost 50 years old and I had only heard of miracles, but had never experienced one. My daughter suffered from drug addiction for almost six years. During those six years, our lives were a living hell. I ranted, raved, threatened and bribed repeatedly, all to no avail.
After hitting rock bottom physically, spiritually and emotionally, she stumbled into a meeting of a 12-step program. She took one step and one day at a time. Through her belief in the program and the guidance of her sponsor, she restored her life to sanity.
She knows there is no cure for her addiction, but there is recovery. This month, she will celebrate her second year as a recovering addict. That is a miracle!
For those who suffer from addiction or have friends or family who are addicted, there is hope. If you attend a meeting of a 12-step program, you too can experience a miracle. -- MOTHER OF A MIRACLE
DEAR MOTHER (AND ALL WHO WROTE WITH A SIMILAR STORY): Your message of hope is worth repeating. Twelve-step programs have worked when all else has failed. The most well-known programs are: Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Al-Anon Family Groups (for friends and family members), and Alateen (for young friends and family members). Check your local phone directory or newspaper for meeting locations, or write to: Alcoholics Anonymous, General Service Office, 475 Riverside Drive, 11th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10115; Al-Anon and Alateen, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, Va. 23454-5617; Narcotics Anonymous, World Service Office, 19737 Nordhoff Place, Chatsworth, Calif. 91311.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
YOUNG MOTHER'S CONVICTIONS MAY NOT TAKE MUCH COURAGE
DEAR ABBY: I've never written before, but I'm sure you'll receive a lot of mail about the letter you printed from "Young Mother in Pennsylvania." She wrote, "I know Claire better than anyone else, so shouldn't I know the best way to be a parent to her?" Your answer was, "Yes, stick to your convictions."
I believe you overlooked a few things when you gave that answer. First of all, she's married at 19, they're living with her parents until they can get on their feet, and they have a 9-month-old child. It appears they entered the marriage without considering the costs of living together as a married couple, and to complicate matters, they had a child within the first year. (I'm not even considering the possibility of conception before marriage.)
However you look at it, this constitutes lack of wisdom.
She also said that although both of their parents "did a good job in raising them," now she suddenly feels she knows more than they do because she "knows her child." Abby, loving her child and being with her doesn't equate with wisdom in raising a child.
The problem appears to lie in her statement, "... what seems like advice to them sounds like criticism to me." Her viewpoint needs a little readjustment!
Granted, not all of their suggestions may be the best, but that doesn't mean she should throw the combined total of 40 years' experience out the window. She should sift through it and apply what appears reasonable. She should also be grateful for their advice and realize that they want what's best for both her and the grandchild because they love them. Viewing it from that perspective will help her gain wisdom and cope with the situation until they can move out on their own. -- SECOND OPINION FROM MINNESOTA
DEAR SECOND OPINION: You're right on all counts. I received considerable criticism for taking the side of the 19-year-old mother who wanted to tune out her parents' and in-laws' advice on child-rearing. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from the "Young Mother in Pennsylvania" who was receiving unwanted advice on how to raise her baby daughter, I felt compelled to write.
My mother taught me a magic phrase many years ago to help me deal with a relative who also gave a lot of unsolicited advice.
The phrase is: "It's something to think about." It gives the person giving the advice the feeling that you value his or her opinion. And it allows the listener to graciously take heed -- or let it go in one ear and out the other.
I wish the young mother much luck. -- EDIE CHERNACK, VERNON, CONN.
DEAR EDIE: Your tactful mother gave you excellent advice.
DEAR ABBY: When I became engaged, my future mother-in-law gave me a lovely diamond ring that had been in her family for three generations. I was thrilled and have cherished it. I know that it is worth several thousand dollars.
I am now divorced, and she has asked me to please return the ring. I love her very much and couldn't refuse her or fight over it, but that ring means a lot to me. I would have had the stone reset or, perhaps, passed it down to my children.
What is the right thing to do? -- DOUBLY BROKENHEARTED
DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Since your former mother-in-law has asked you to return this family keepsake that has been in the family for three generations, the "right" thing to do would be to return it.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)