For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Definition of 'Indian Giver' Results From Culture Clash
DEAR ABBY: How "white" of you! When "A Proud Shoshone" in Wisconsin asked about the origin of the term "Indian giver," you went to the printed reference books. Why didn't you ask a tribal elder?
Our elders have taught us that the term described Native actions in a negative light because whites did not understand them. (There are more than 500 tribes, so a blanket statement or description is impossible and inaccurate.)
In some tribes, if someone admired something, the owner gave it to the admirer. If good will existed, a Native would give a gift to a person. If something happened to destroy that good will or friendship, the Native would take back the gift.
It was a basic, simple act, totally misunderstood by the Europeans, who thought it was terrible and made it more than it truly was. -- A PROUD CHEROKEE/COLVILLE
DEAR PROUD CHEROKEE: You are not the only person who took me to task for printing the Henry Holt Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins' definition of the term "Indian giver." I got a bale of mail on the subject. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The term "Indian giver" has to do with honor. Indians were great gift givers. If the person receiving the gift did something that was dishonorable or otherwise brought shame, the giver could ask for the gift to be returned. The giver did not want to be guilty by association. -- LACY R. BETHEA JR., TUCSON, ARIZ.
DEAR ABBY: In the Indian culture on the East Coast, you could "borrow" a tool, use it and return it in the Golden Rule tradition.
When the settlers arrived, they brought with them tools never before seen by the Indians, who borrowed them according to local tradition. When the item was returned, however, the Indian was jailed for "stealing" -- and in one case, hanged.
When the Indian would "give" an item to someone because it was praised or needed, the settlers complained when the owner wanted it back -- hence the term "Indian giver."
By the same token, Indians had no knowledge of "orphans," since a child who lost its parents was automatically cared for by relatives. As time went on, and English-style work houses were established for orphans and old widows, the Indians were not able to comprehend such callousness.
Far from being savages, the Indians had a culture that lived with the land for the benefit of all. Different, yes; worse, no! -- R.O. IN VIRGINIA
DEAR ABBY: Perhaps the white settlers used the phrase "Indian giver" with each other when giving something they expected back, just as they knew that when their government gave land to the Indians, the government would eventually take it back.
The same could be said for "Indian" being used as a synonym for bogus or false, for the supposed valuables given to the Indians in trade were often things that had little or no value to the whites who had given them. With the passage of time, the victims were blamed with these false labels.
Make sense? I am not an Indian. -- SEEING RED IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR ABBY: The expression "Indian giver" refers to the early U.S. government giving land to the Indians through signed treaties, then breaking the treaties. It happened over and over again, from one end of the country to the other until nobody could trust the government treaties.
The expression "Indian giver" does not insult American Indians, but points to the early U.S. government's and settlers' wrongdoing. I hope you'll print this for "Proud Shoshone" as a step toward righting some wrongs. -- PATRICIA S., EUGENE, ORE.
Man Still Hot Over Argument Gives Cold Treatment in Bed
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have a boy, age 12, and a girl, 8. We get along very well except when it comes to disciplining our children.
About three months ago, we were at a mall shopping with our children. My husband became infuriated with our son because he wasn't paying attention to him when he was showing the correct way to fold a pair of pants.
I thought my husband overreacted and told him so. This resulted in his not talking to me for seven weeks.
We are now speaking to each other as if nothing ever happened, but we have not made love since that incident. Abby, we have never been without sex this long.
I feel rejected every night and my self-esteem is very low. I want to talk to him about it, but I'm afraid he will stop talking to me again. I feel as if I am getting mixed signals because we have regular conversations during the day, but at night he goes right to sleep.
What do you think is going on? -- CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR CONFUSED: Your husband is still punishing you for the incident that took place in the mall three months ago. He appears to be a very selfish man with an unforgiving nature -- and petty as well -- to punish you in this manner. He is cutting his nose off to spite his face ... well, it's not really his nose, but you get the idea.
When the children are asleep, tell him you would like to discuss this misunderstanding that caused him to clam up, and then to stop making love to you. Assure him that you love him very much and want to resolve the "misunderstanding" before any more time elapses. If necessary, suggest seeing a marriage counselor to resolve this problem. If he refuses, go without him.
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Brokenhearted Mother," whose obese son died in his sleep. I want this dear woman to know that the very day after her letter was published, I started attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings. I am in my early 20s and extremely obese. I am painfully aware that without help my life is in serious jeopardy.
Food is an addiction like no other. You can't get away from it, hide it or go cold turkey. It follows you day and night. I have an addiction and I know that I always will have. My only hope is to seek help and support. Hopefully, over time, I will become a thinner, healthier person, but there are no guarantees. I like to say that it is not just about lightening up your body, but also about lightening up your soul.
Again, to "Brokenhearted Mother," I am so sorry for your loss. You did a good thing, however, by getting out the message -- "Obesity does kill!"
On a final note: The next time you see a fat person on the street, please show a little compassion. We already know we are fat. -- GRATEFUL IN ONTARIO
DEAR GRATEFUL: I hope "Brokenhearted" sees your letter. For those of you who would like to contact Overeaters Anonymous, there are chapters in almost every city. If you have difficulty finding one near you, send a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope to Overeaters Anonymous World Service Office, P.O. Box 44020, Rio Rancho, N.M. 87174-4020.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Theatergoer Has Reservations About Saving Latecomer's Seat
DEAR ABBY: What do you think of the practice of "reserving" a seat at a public event by placing an object such as an umbrella or a coat on the seat? My feeling is this should not entitle a person to select a choice seat, then wander off for half an hour or more and expect others to respect the "reservation." Abby, will you please state in your column that saving a seat for someone who is late is very unfair and should not be permitted?
Also, how should a situation of this kind be handled? Maybe you haven't been in a situation of this kind, but I'd like to hear from people who have. Is it fair, or isn't it? And if the person who is "holding" a seat for a latecomer encounters an angry theatergoer, who is entitled to the seat? I have witnessed some ugly scenes as a result of "seat saving" in theaters. What do you say? -- SAN FRANCISCAN
DEAR SAN FRANCISCAN: If a person comes in and says, "My friend (or spouse) is parking the car and I am saving a seat for him (or her)," that's fine.
But I would have a problem with the person who lays claim to a block of six or eight seats together. However, under no circumstances would I engage in an argument about it in a public place.
DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced woman with three children, 11, 10 and 7. Through the Internet, I met a man who lives in Kentucky. (I live in California.) I'll call him Dan. He is a high school teacher and is by far the kindest, most considerate man I have ever known.
Dan invited me to his house for Thanksgiving, and he spent a week at my home at Christmas. He and my children got along great; in fact, they are still talking about him.
Dan treats me with respect and is a perfect gentleman. The only problem is his appearance. He is slightly overweight and somewhat out of shape. He also has an eye problem that requires him to wear extremely thick glasses. My friends tell me that I am "too pretty" to settle for him. My mom says looks are not that important, and I would have to look far to find a man who will treat me with such respect and consideration.
Dan told me he is considering moving to California at the end of the school year so we can be closer.
I hate to be so superficial that I would miss out on a fulfilling relationship because Dan is not better looking. I certainly love who he is on the inside, but I know some people will look at us and wonder what I saw in him.
Would I be wrong to let his appearance hold me back? I would hate to have him give up everything for me and move out here. What if things didn't work out? He says that is a chance he is willing to take.
He makes me very happy and is always on my mind. I want to call him and tell him to come to California, but I am not sure it is the right thing to do. What do you think, Abby? -- ON THE FENCE
DEAR ON THE FENCE: I know your friends are well-meaning, but I question their values.
An average-looking man who is kind and caring will become more attractive with time, just as a handsome man will become less appealing if his behavior does not match his appearance.
Let Dan know that you are very much interested in him, but moving to California must be his decision alone. And when you get to know him better, if he is everything you want in a lifelong partner, you will have made a very wise decision.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)