To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
THOSE WHO WAIT FOR GIFTS ARE UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT
DEAR ABBY: I'm continually amazed by people who write to you with righteous indignation about gifts that weren't good enough, objects they feel entitled to, or inheritances that they expect to receive.
Don't these people understand the concept of a gift? A wedding (or birthday or Christmas) gift is not an obligation, it is a generosity. An inheritance is not a right; it is a choice made by the benefactors to bestow upon whomever they wish.
I get the feeling that many of your readers would lead happier lives if they would quit worrying about what they think they're entitled to, and concentrated on earning what is theirs and being grateful for the gifts they receive.
My dear grandmother (whom I prefer alive, lucid, happy and loving at the age of 85, rather than tallying whatever her estate might amount to) gave me a plaque many years ago that contains a motto to live by: "Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they will not be disappointed." -- JEFF KURTTI, LOS ANGELES
DEAR JEFF: You make a good point. The higher the level of expectation, the lower the degree of satisfaction.
DEAR ABBY: You said in your column that a felon loses his right to vote. I think your experts need to bone up on constitutional law.
All citizens are allowed to vote as long as they are registered and are not serving a prison term (for felony conviction) and/or on parole. Once the parole has been served and the convict has been discharged from the sentence, his constitutional right to vote is restored.
Voting is not a privilege, Abby, it is a right! -- DON WEST, PARALEGAL INVESTIGATIONS, LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR DON: I checked with my legal expert to be certain that I had not misled my readers. In 47 states and the District of Columbia, upon a felony conviction the right to vote is lost. In many, but not all states, the right to vote is restored upon completion of the sentence or parole. Some states require a pardon or administrative or court procedure before an ex-convict can vote again.
The courts have upheld state laws that prohibit felons from serving on juries, holding elective office and working as peace officers, and have limited other rights. So, while felons are afforded due process of law, their rights may be limited or revoked either permanently or temporarily, depending on the right and the state where the felon resides.
DEAR ABBY: Your answer to the woman whose live-in boyfriend would rather have his ex-girlfriend hem his pants than pay a measly $5 was lousy. You told her to take them to the seamstress when they arrived and pay the money to keep the peace. He's a cheap jerk who cares more about saving a buck than his girlfriend's feelings.
Why should she be the one to do anything differently? He should stop being helpless and self-centered. They both work and neither sews, so let him take care of his own pants. If he runs to his ex-girlfriend for something this trivial, be assured he'll start doing it every time his current girlfriend disappoints him. Peace schmeace! Tell him to grow up! -- SELF-RELIANT
DEAR SELF-RELIANT: I'll tell him, but I doubt if he will change his manipulative ways. Why should he? He has two women bending over backward to accommodate him.
IT TAKES TIME TO DISCOVER THAT INFATUATION ISN'T LOVE
DEAR ABBY: I am 15 years old and my boyfriend just told me that he loves me. He has opened his heart to me, and I'm afraid that I have nothing to say to him in return.
I know what I feel for him is more than a crush. My emotions are too strong to just "like" him. I love to be around him, I love to talk to him, and I love it when we embrace. I just don't know if I love him.
I know he's not saying this to get me into bed. We were longtime friends before we went on a date. Besides, he's way too shy for that. It took us two months before we actually kissed.
All I know is I cannot concentrate on my school work. I want to talk with him 24 hours a day. When I am with him I feel like I am on cloud nine, and he can pull me out of my darkest moods. Please help me. Do you think that what I'm feeling could be love? -- CUPID-CRAZED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CUPID-CRAZED: You are not the first teen-ager to ask this question. As I explain in my booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know," the crazy, mixed-up feelings you are experiencing are better known as infatuation. Infatuation
can possibly be the first step toward love, but is not, in itself, love.
During your teens, you will have a number of infatuations. Through a few of these -- and experience -- you will acquire a better sense of what love is.
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Sitting on the Sidelines in New York," whose husband leaves her sitting at the table and dances with every other woman in the room, disregards the fact that she is upset. The reason she is upset -- jealousy, insecurity or whatever -- is unimportant.
If her husband loves her, he'll recognize that his behavior bothers her and change it, or compromise. Otherwise, he is being selfish and having his fun at her expense. It doesn't matter how good he is otherwise, what other people say, or even if his wife's complaints are unjustified. She is upset -- and it needs to be dealt with.
Yes, "Sitting on the Sidelines" should learn to dance is she doesn't know how. Maybe she also needs to work on her self-esteem. But when a partner in a relationship fails to change hurtful behavior, the couple is heading for trouble. I know. I've been there, and the woman I still love is no longer with me because I didn't act on it.
You men out there (and women), please listen to me: If it's hurting your partner and you truly love that person, then stop what you're doing. Discuss it with him or her and solve the problems to your mutual satisfaction. Otherwise, you may find yourself alone. -- LOST MY LADY
DEAR LOST MY LADY: "Sitting on the Sidelines" indicated that her husband is an otherwise affectionate and attentive partner. As you point out, however, he is not perfect. If he were, he would have done exactly as you recommend. You have learned a very valuable lesson, and I thank you for passing it on.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 79-year-old woman and I'm in pretty good shape for my age. Even so, I tire more easily these days, and shopping in department stores has become harder than it used to be because there is no place to sit down and rest for a few minutes. My feet and legs get tired, and if I could just sit and rest, I would be able to continue shopping. As it is, I end up taking a catalog and leaving, because I can't walk or stand that long.
With department stores competing so heavily for business, wouldn't you think they could put a chair or two near the cash register for us older folks? -- MAXINE, LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR MAXINE: I would think they could -- and should -- even though space in department stores is very valuable.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS HELPS THOSE OVERCOME BY DESPAIR
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter about the heroin addict who killed herself after writing "King Heroin Is My Shepherd." Her note mentioned "the doctor who told my family it would have been better, and indeed kinder, if the person who got me hooked on dope had taken a gun and blown my brains out."
Abby, I think the doctor who said that was partially responsible for the death of this young woman. She did not need a message of hopelessness and despair, especially from a person of authority and respect.
If only the doctor had encouraged her to hurry to Narcotics Anonymous, she might be alive today. Please print this so that other addicts may find new "courage, strength and hope." Narcotics Anonymous can be reached at 1-800-896-8896. -- CLOSE CALL IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR CLOSE CALL: That letter generated a flood of mail from readers whose lives have been touched by drugs, filled with important messages like your own. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "A Saddened Mom" who believes "it takes a village." It really does. I'm glad someone seems to understand that children involved with drugs need to be helped by the whole community. I'm 17 years old, and I've already had a close friend (who was on drugs) commit suicide. I wish people would understand that people don't take drugs because they are stupid or naive, as convenient as that would be to believe. People take drugs because they are depressed and believe they have nothing better to do with their lives.
I know a lot of kids who are on drugs and none of them really feel they are truly valuable people. If a parent, relative or close adult had really given them a reason to believe they were worthwhile, special and needed, they wouldn't have needed drugs.
"Straight" kids are taught to stay away from "bad" kids, which is too bad -- because peer pressure works just as well in reverse. Peer groups are oftentimes enough to save a child. Fortunately, most of my friends have been saved from drugs by peer pressure. I shudder to think how rare that is. -- YOUNG ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER IN NEW ORLEANS
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the reworded 23rd Psalm, "King Heroin Is My Shepherd." It is powerful testimony against drug abuse. It's a shame that an educated, talented 23-year-old young lady had to give her life to produce it. What a difference she could have made in the lives of others if she had been allowed to reach her potential. The loss is incalculable.
Neither my wife nor I has ever used illegal drugs, alcohol or tobacco. We have raised six children who, to our knowledge, have never used any of those substances either. For this success I give a great amount of credit to the reading of articles like this one to our children as they were growing up. They always knew where their parents stood and we tried to be totally up-front, honest and fair with them.
I am a volunteer high school teacher. I have already used this column as a teaching tool. Rarely do I have every student's undivided attention, but when I read your column to them, no one even blinked. There was dead silence afterward. I know it helped to reinforce the commitment of some to stay off drugs and help their peers to stay off drugs, too.
Thank you, Abby, and thanks to the 23-year-old's family for sharing that sad suicide note with the world. I hope some good may come of it. -- DENNIS J. DAVIS, GLENDORA, CALIF.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)