Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS HELPS THOSE OVERCOME BY DESPAIR
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter about the heroin addict who killed herself after writing "King Heroin Is My Shepherd." Her note mentioned "the doctor who told my family it would have been better, and indeed kinder, if the person who got me hooked on dope had taken a gun and blown my brains out."
Abby, I think the doctor who said that was partially responsible for the death of this young woman. She did not need a message of hopelessness and despair, especially from a person of authority and respect.
If only the doctor had encouraged her to hurry to Narcotics Anonymous, she might be alive today. Please print this so that other addicts may find new "courage, strength and hope." Narcotics Anonymous can be reached at 1-800-896-8896. -- CLOSE CALL IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR CLOSE CALL: That letter generated a flood of mail from readers whose lives have been touched by drugs, filled with important messages like your own. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "A Saddened Mom" who believes "it takes a village." It really does. I'm glad someone seems to understand that children involved with drugs need to be helped by the whole community. I'm 17 years old, and I've already had a close friend (who was on drugs) commit suicide. I wish people would understand that people don't take drugs because they are stupid or naive, as convenient as that would be to believe. People take drugs because they are depressed and believe they have nothing better to do with their lives.
I know a lot of kids who are on drugs and none of them really feel they are truly valuable people. If a parent, relative or close adult had really given them a reason to believe they were worthwhile, special and needed, they wouldn't have needed drugs.
"Straight" kids are taught to stay away from "bad" kids, which is too bad -- because peer pressure works just as well in reverse. Peer groups are oftentimes enough to save a child. Fortunately, most of my friends have been saved from drugs by peer pressure. I shudder to think how rare that is. -- YOUNG ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER IN NEW ORLEANS
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the reworded 23rd Psalm, "King Heroin Is My Shepherd." It is powerful testimony against drug abuse. It's a shame that an educated, talented 23-year-old young lady had to give her life to produce it. What a difference she could have made in the lives of others if she had been allowed to reach her potential. The loss is incalculable.
Neither my wife nor I has ever used illegal drugs, alcohol or tobacco. We have raised six children who, to our knowledge, have never used any of those substances either. For this success I give a great amount of credit to the reading of articles like this one to our children as they were growing up. They always knew where their parents stood and we tried to be totally up-front, honest and fair with them.
I am a volunteer high school teacher. I have already used this column as a teaching tool. Rarely do I have every student's undivided attention, but when I read your column to them, no one even blinked. There was dead silence afterward. I know it helped to reinforce the commitment of some to stay off drugs and help their peers to stay off drugs, too.
Thank you, Abby, and thanks to the 23-year-old's family for sharing that sad suicide note with the world. I hope some good may come of it. -- DENNIS J. DAVIS, GLENDORA, CALIF.
Boyfriend's 'Bill' Could Cost His Girlfriend's Trust
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of one year and I have been going through some turbulent times these last several weeks, and at one point we decided to part ways. I was shocked when he handed me a "bill" totaling $1,393.
I admit there were amounts on there that I had told him I would pay back -- but it only added up to half of his total. Amounts like $5, $10 and $20 that I thought he had given in unconditional good spirit were listed on there under months and exact dates throughout the entire year we had been dating. For example, he would say, "Here, Hon, put some gasoline in your tank." I have helped him out monetarily from time to time, but I never expected that he was keeping track of what he was giving me, much less that he'd ask for it back.
Now we're trying to mend our relationship, and I can't get that "bill" out of my mind. He said he wrote it up and gave it to me because he was mad. Now I have a hard time accepting anything from him. I even wonder if this relationship is worth mending. What is your advice? -- CONFUSED IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR CONFUSED: Your boyfriend may have acted in a moment of anger, but he did not compile his detailed ledger on the spur of the moment. If you are looking for a generous man, keep looking. This one is not above using the purse strings to try to control you.
DEAR ABBY: We hear so many horror stories concerning children of divorce, it might be encouraging to hear of one where both parents handle the situation very well.
Since the divorce seven years ago, the two children (now 11 and 13) have been in the custody of their mother. Of course, the father has visitation rights. Never has either parent said anything derogatory about the other. The two have always lived in different areas -- now Cleveland and Dayton, Ohio -- and each has initiated phone calls to the other for the children.
When the mother (my daughter) goes to her Air Force reserve duty in Dayton, the children stay with their father, and occasionally, she, too, stays there. Similarly, when the father and his wife come to Cleveland to see the children, they have stayed at my daughter's home -- as have his relatives.
Last Christmas, they had the greatest arrangements, demonstrating what exemplary parents they are -- the new wife included. During the Christmas vacation, the girls spent several days with their father, then on Christmas Eve when he brought them back to their mother's home, he and his wife stayed overnight, so they could all share Christmas morning with the children.
Abby, wouldn't it be wonderful if more divorced couples could handle the situation so well? -- GRATEFUL GRANDMA IN FLORIDA
DEAR GRATEFUL GRANDMA: Some do, but unfortunately, most do not.
DEAR ABBY: In your tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., you said: "In 1964 he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Dr. King's principles of nonviolence were based on the teachings of Christianity."
Abby, Martin Luther King had to go to India to learn the principles of nonviolence, because they were neither understood nor practiced in the United States.
The civil rights movement in the 1960s reminds us of how violent white Christians really are. They are as violent as Muslims and Jews, if not more violent. Remember, we have had nearly 5,000 lynchings in our history. Christians proclaim brotherly love, love for your neighbor, peace on earth and other notions -- but they often do not practice them. -- HUGO BORRESEN
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I've never been one to cry, but my grandfather, Jesse "Mim" Toney, died in October 1996, and I miss him. He was a hero. A REAL hero. Not just because he was Gen. George S. Patton's chauffeur and valet during World War II, but because of who he was.
His life taught me something I need to share. It's something we are losing as individuals, as families, and even as a country. It's something that is there, like faith, even when everything else falls apart. You need it. I need it. The whole world needs it. You can't build enough of it. It won't leave you when times get tough. It will carry you. It's what makes real men and women honorable. It's being underappreciated. It's what grew the fastest the weaker he got. It was his character!
Yes, character. Like respect, it is not something you ask for; it's something you earn. Like strength, it's not something granted; it's developed. It may only count to those who have it -- but character counts.
He was not impressed by what someone accomplished, but by what they had overcome. That's character.
He didn't take the easy way. He took the right way. That's character.
He accepted responsibility for his actions, faced the consequences without complaint and lived his life the best he could. That's character.
His road map was the Scriptures; his compass was his heart; his passion was his family; his character was his art.
That's what he taught me, and I think the message is worth repeating. -- JEFF POWELL, DUBLIN, OHIO
DEAR JEFF: Please accept my sympathy on the painful loss of your beloved grandfather. Obviously, your letter was written from the heart. It would have made a beautiful eulogy. Thank you for sharing the important life lessons your grandfather taught you.
DEAR ABBY: I was raised in an old-fashioned home. I was taught to sew and cook and be a worthy wife and mother. I cooked and fed my family wholesome meals.
Unfortunately, one of my sons ("Tom" -- not his real name) married a woman who never cooks. She waits until Tom comes home after a hard day's work at the office, then she sends him out to some fast-food place to pick up their evening meal. This is not just occasionally; this is every night of the week except when they go out to eat. I invite them to my home for dinner as often as I can.
Tom is a good husband and father. He doesn't drink, smoke or gamble. He's a good provider and allows his wife to stay home and not work.
My question is, why aren't mothers these days preparing their daughters for marriage? Don't you think men should consider this a requisite when courting? It could save marriages. -- OLD-FASHIONED AND GLAD OF IT
DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: You and I are a generation apart from your son and his wife, so it would be easy for me to agree with you.
However, these days it takes more than talent in the kitchen to make a marriage work. I find it telling that your son is not the family member who is complaining. As long as he has you, I'm betting neither he nor his wife will learn to cook.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)