To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Boyfriend's 'Bill' Could Cost His Girlfriend's Trust
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of one year and I have been going through some turbulent times these last several weeks, and at one point we decided to part ways. I was shocked when he handed me a "bill" totaling $1,393.
I admit there were amounts on there that I had told him I would pay back -- but it only added up to half of his total. Amounts like $5, $10 and $20 that I thought he had given in unconditional good spirit were listed on there under months and exact dates throughout the entire year we had been dating. For example, he would say, "Here, Hon, put some gasoline in your tank." I have helped him out monetarily from time to time, but I never expected that he was keeping track of what he was giving me, much less that he'd ask for it back.
Now we're trying to mend our relationship, and I can't get that "bill" out of my mind. He said he wrote it up and gave it to me because he was mad. Now I have a hard time accepting anything from him. I even wonder if this relationship is worth mending. What is your advice? -- CONFUSED IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR CONFUSED: Your boyfriend may have acted in a moment of anger, but he did not compile his detailed ledger on the spur of the moment. If you are looking for a generous man, keep looking. This one is not above using the purse strings to try to control you.
DEAR ABBY: We hear so many horror stories concerning children of divorce, it might be encouraging to hear of one where both parents handle the situation very well.
Since the divorce seven years ago, the two children (now 11 and 13) have been in the custody of their mother. Of course, the father has visitation rights. Never has either parent said anything derogatory about the other. The two have always lived in different areas -- now Cleveland and Dayton, Ohio -- and each has initiated phone calls to the other for the children.
When the mother (my daughter) goes to her Air Force reserve duty in Dayton, the children stay with their father, and occasionally, she, too, stays there. Similarly, when the father and his wife come to Cleveland to see the children, they have stayed at my daughter's home -- as have his relatives.
Last Christmas, they had the greatest arrangements, demonstrating what exemplary parents they are -- the new wife included. During the Christmas vacation, the girls spent several days with their father, then on Christmas Eve when he brought them back to their mother's home, he and his wife stayed overnight, so they could all share Christmas morning with the children.
Abby, wouldn't it be wonderful if more divorced couples could handle the situation so well? -- GRATEFUL GRANDMA IN FLORIDA
DEAR GRATEFUL GRANDMA: Some do, but unfortunately, most do not.
DEAR ABBY: In your tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., you said: "In 1964 he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Dr. King's principles of nonviolence were based on the teachings of Christianity."
Abby, Martin Luther King had to go to India to learn the principles of nonviolence, because they were neither understood nor practiced in the United States.
The civil rights movement in the 1960s reminds us of how violent white Christians really are. They are as violent as Muslims and Jews, if not more violent. Remember, we have had nearly 5,000 lynchings in our history. Christians proclaim brotherly love, love for your neighbor, peace on earth and other notions -- but they often do not practice them. -- HUGO BORRESEN
DEAR ABBY: I've never been one to cry, but my grandfather, Jesse "Mim" Toney, died in October 1996, and I miss him. He was a hero. A REAL hero. Not just because he was Gen. George S. Patton's chauffeur and valet during World War II, but because of who he was.
His life taught me something I need to share. It's something we are losing as individuals, as families, and even as a country. It's something that is there, like faith, even when everything else falls apart. You need it. I need it. The whole world needs it. You can't build enough of it. It won't leave you when times get tough. It will carry you. It's what makes real men and women honorable. It's being underappreciated. It's what grew the fastest the weaker he got. It was his character!
Yes, character. Like respect, it is not something you ask for; it's something you earn. Like strength, it's not something granted; it's developed. It may only count to those who have it -- but character counts.
He was not impressed by what someone accomplished, but by what they had overcome. That's character.
He didn't take the easy way. He took the right way. That's character.
He accepted responsibility for his actions, faced the consequences without complaint and lived his life the best he could. That's character.
His road map was the Scriptures; his compass was his heart; his passion was his family; his character was his art.
That's what he taught me, and I think the message is worth repeating. -- JEFF POWELL, DUBLIN, OHIO
DEAR JEFF: Please accept my sympathy on the painful loss of your beloved grandfather. Obviously, your letter was written from the heart. It would have made a beautiful eulogy. Thank you for sharing the important life lessons your grandfather taught you.
DEAR ABBY: I was raised in an old-fashioned home. I was taught to sew and cook and be a worthy wife and mother. I cooked and fed my family wholesome meals.
Unfortunately, one of my sons ("Tom" -- not his real name) married a woman who never cooks. She waits until Tom comes home after a hard day's work at the office, then she sends him out to some fast-food place to pick up their evening meal. This is not just occasionally; this is every night of the week except when they go out to eat. I invite them to my home for dinner as often as I can.
Tom is a good husband and father. He doesn't drink, smoke or gamble. He's a good provider and allows his wife to stay home and not work.
My question is, why aren't mothers these days preparing their daughters for marriage? Don't you think men should consider this a requisite when courting? It could save marriages. -- OLD-FASHIONED AND GLAD OF IT
DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: You and I are a generation apart from your son and his wife, so it would be easy for me to agree with you.
However, these days it takes more than talent in the kitchen to make a marriage work. I find it telling that your son is not the family member who is complaining. As long as he has you, I'm betting neither he nor his wife will learn to cook.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Women's Bathroom Takeover Forces Man to Search for Relief
DEAR ABBY: Here's one for which I would appreciate a solution. The guys at the office didn't have an answer.
I was at a very crowded shopping mall and needed to use the rest room as I was leaving. The men's room and the ladies' room were side by side. The ladies' room had a line outside it, while the men's room had no waiting line.
As I approached the men's room, the women started to grumble loudly about having to wait and split up into lines outside both rest rooms. This effectively restricted my access to the men's room, so I departed the mall and drove to the nearest gas station to use the rest room there.
What should a male's proper course of action be in a situation like this? -- LEGS CROSSED IN NEWARK
DEAR LEGS CROSSED: I think your course of action was intelligent. But on my way out, I would have reported it to mall security.
DEAR ABBY: Why would a bright, pretty 23-year-old allow herself to be emotionally abused by her husband?
Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, St. Valentine's Day, etc. come and go without so much as a card or any kind of acknowledgment. They have had many fights over this -- and my daughter has told him how hurt she is. He is always "sorry" and has some kind of excuse, but this happens over and over again.
It hurts me to see how upset she gets, but as a parent, what should I do? -- UPSET MOTHER DOWN SOUTH
DEAR MOTHER: Do not offer any "solutions" or advice. It's nice to be remembered on special occasions, but how does he treat your daughter every other day in the year?
DEAR ABBY: The story of the Spanish speakers who assumed two blond Anglos wouldn't understand their rude comments reminds me of two incidents.
A blond man my husband works with had learned Hmong while serving in Vietnam. One day he was on the Paris subway while two girls were speaking Hmong to each other, harshly criticizing fellow passengers. The man waited until a break in their conversation, then gave them an equally bold critique -- in fluent Hmong. They were so stunned, they missed their stop.
Then there was the deaf woman I often waited on in a fabric shop where I worked. She liked for me to help her since I would sign "Hi" (the only word I knew in sign language), speak clearly while facing her, and take the time to puzzle out her speech. One day she told me that two women shopping nearby were planning to steal quite a few very expensive buttons by tucking them into the folds of the fabric they were buying. Sure enough, the manager stopped the women outside the store and the buttons were in the fabric. How did my customer know? She had read their lips! -- CORYN WEIGLE, ALEXANDRIA, VA.
DEAR READERS: Today we celebrate the 265th birthday of George Washington, the father of our country: Happy Birthday, George!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)