What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WIFE'S WOUNDED LOVE TOOK TIME AND PATIENCE TO HEAL
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to the woman whose husband had recently confessed to an affair. She signed herself, "I Love Him With All My Heart." She said she didn't know of any marriages that had survived an affair -- and I want to assure her that there are many that have.
My husband and I had been married only four months when he got re-involved with a woman he had an affair with during his first marriage. When my husband broke it off, she got so upset she told her husband, and it was mayhem after that!
I told my husband that the affair had not changed my love for him, but it HAD deeply wounded me and affected my trust in him. I was willing to stay and work it out only if he was willing to go to counseling with me and work to earn my trust. He was more than willing, and we found a wonderful counselor who helped us achieve our goal -- to heal and strengthen our relationship.
"I Love Him" expressed concern that her husband would grow tired of her pain. She's correct in that she does need someone else to confide in. Her pain is a very heavy load for her husband to carry alone, and the pitfall in confiding in friends is that they are usually not as objective as a counselor would be.
If I may offer a bit of advice, as part of a couple who has successfully navigated this trauma: Find a good counselor with whom you both feel comfortable, be honest with the counselor and each other, and be patient with yourself and your husband.
Also, if you have children, don't take for granted that you can shield them from your pain and stress. Make sure that they, too, have a counselor they can talk to. -- STRONGER BECAUSE OF IT IN ATLANTA
DEAR STRONGER: That's excellent advice from someone who's walked a mile in her moccasins. Your maturity and perseverance in your marriage are to be admired. And so is your generosity in speaking out about such a personal matter.
DEAR ABBY: I am so happy that I asked you to help me find my deceased wife's relatives so that I could give them her family album. Because of your column, I was able to locate a man named Hemenover who was raised together with my wife by Mrs. A. Hemenover of 1300 San Pablo Ave. in Oakland. So I have dispatched the album to him. He is 80 years old. I hope he can identify some of the people in the pictures. I also came up with two great-grandchildren, and some valuable information about my wife's background, too. (She had told me almost nothing about her family.)
Abby, the C.I.A. should put you under contract!
The response of your readers was swift, gracious and sincere. From coast to coast, they sent information and offered their help and encouragement.
I have talked to several of the Hemenovers. Abby, you have fired up a great new interest in their family background -- an amazing feat, and all in less than one month!
An observation: When my daughter suggested I contact you, she said, "Some people read sports, editorials, finance and funnies, but EVERYBODY reads Dear Abby." She was correct. So thank you very much for being there and bringing my search to a successful conclusion. -- GAYEL CHEW, MEDFORD, ORE.
DEAR MR. CHEW: I have often said that my readers are the most generous and caring people in the world -- and your letter illustrates that I wasn't exaggerating. I'm pleased that your problem was so quickly and happily resolved. Thank you for a dandy day-brightener.
DEAR ABBY: I have a daughter who is 50 years old. When she was born, my wife and I named her Susan. Recently, Susan joined a religious organization. It seemed like a good Christian organization, but she has now changed her name to "Rose ..." (I won't bother you with the rest of the name, but there's more to it.)
For 50 years, I have called her Susan, and the habit is so strong that it's hard for me to start calling her "Rose ..." even if I wanted to, which I don't. If I slip and call her Susan, she objects strenuously, repeatedly calling attention to my error.
I think she should be happy that others in her group use her new name, but there is nothing wrong with the name we gave her, and we do not want to call her anything else.
I am 82 years old, and it is hard for old dogs to learn new tricks. What do you think, Abby? -- SUSAN'S FATHER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SUSAN'S FATHER: I think it is unrealistic of your daughter to expect you to remember her new name. Remind her, "... that which we call a rose/By any other name would smell as sweet." (William Shakespeare)
DEAR ABBY: I didn't read the original letter from the man who won't touch the hospital patients he visits, but I did read the comment from Bob Burns, the hospital chaplain in Florida who wrote to tell him that he can't "catch" anything from simply touching a sick person. Abby, may I add my two cents to the discussion?
Last winter I was in Arcadia Methodist Hospital in Arcadia, Calif., with the flu, pneumonia and something else the doctors couldn't identify. (It turned out to be meningitis.) In spite of the fact that I was pretty much out of things, I overheard the neurologist tell my nurse that he was going to give me a spinal tap, and asked her to distract me. Well, when I heard "spinal tap," I was panic-stricken.
The nurse knelt by the side of my bed and took my hands between hers and started to talk. Suddenly, she let go of my hands, peeled off her gloves, and then she clasped my hands again. Do I have to tell you how much more comforting the touch of her warm skin was than latex?
Abby, I don't remember that nurse's name, but I will never forget the compassion she showed that day. I didn't even feel the needle go in. -- JOAN FRY, NEWHALL, CALIF.
DEAR JOAN: Thank you for a touching letter.
DEAR ABBY: The letter you printed from "Concerned in Oceanside, N.Y." regarding the neighbor lady meeting her lover in front of his house reminded me of a similar incident several years ago.
A married neighbor from down the hill would meet her friend in the parking strip of our side lot so her family wouldn't see her. This went on both day and night, and we, too, were concerned about the impressionable youngsters in the neighborhood.
After we figured out what was going on, we simply set up a few lawn chairs and invited the other neighbors over to observe the doings -- which moved elsewhere quickly and permanently.
Abby, could this have been the roots of the "Neighborhood Watch" programs? -- "BIG T" IN TACOMA, WASH.
DEAR BIG T: Well, it sure brings new meaning to the term!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Rules of Love Are Mandatory on This Day for Sweethearts
DEAR READERS: A Happy Valentine's Day to one and all! There may be snowdrifts on the ground or rain clouds in the forecast, but regardless of what the weatherman says, there is sunshine and springtime in our hearts.
Years ago, in celebration of Valentine's Day, I decided to write my own Ten Commandments, the Ten Commandments of Love. Actually, at the time I was so enthusiastic that I wrote 20 -- one set for men and another for women. But then I received a letter from Mandy Stillman, a lawyer from Milwaukee, insisting that there be only one set of commandments.
She was right, of course. And here they are for your review:
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF LOVE
-- Put your spouse before your mother, your father, your son and your daughter. Your mate is your lifelong companion.
-- Do not abuse your body with excessive food, tobacco, drink, or any foreign substance that goes into your arm or up your nose.
-- Remember that cleanliness is a virtue.
-- Willingly share all of your worldly goods with your mate.
-- Do not forget to say, "I love you." Even though your love may be constant, your spouse needs to hear those cherished words often.
-- Remember that the approval of your spouse is worth far more than the adoring glances of a hundred strangers, so be true and forsake all others.
-- Permit neither your business nor your hobby to make you a stranger to your children. The most precious gift a parent can give is time.
-- Keep your home in good repair, because out of it come the joys of old age (not to mention its resale value).
-- Forgive with grace, because who among us does not need to be forgiven?
-- Honor the Lord your God every day of your life, and your children will grow up and bless you.
Today, be a sweetheart. Call someone you love and say, "I love you." (Make two or three calls; who says you can't love more than one person -- in different ways, of course.)
Go through your closets and give all those clothes you've been saving until you lose 10 pounds to your favorite charity. Call someone who's lonely and say, "I'm thinking of you." Or, better yet, say, "I'll be over tomorrow to take you to lunch -- or to run some errands for you -- or to give you a ride."
Visit a sick friend. Say a prayer. Donate some blood. Adopt a pet. Will your eyes, your kidneys and all your usable organs to someone who can use them after you're gone. Forgive an enemy. Hug your teen-ager. Write a fan letter. Listen to a bore. Pay your doctor. Tell your parents you think they're wonderful. Spay your dog. Neuter your cat. Quit smoking. Drive carefully. If you're walking, watch where you're going.
And don't wait until next year to be a sweetheart again. -- LOVE, ABBY
DEAR ABBY: The letter about church bulletin bloopers in a recent column reminded me of a funny thing that happened in our church some time ago. It made me glad that I had learned to speak our language by rote as a child. Just imagine the agony foreign-born adults must undergo in learning how to speak English, with all the inconsistencies in pronouncing words with similar spellings -- with "ough" in them, for example.
In this instance, a priest visiting from India was saying Mass, and typically the priest reads the Gospel aloud. This Gospel reading was about a woman who was preparing to bake bread when Jesus came to visit. Naturally, she suspended her preparations then, and the priest continued to read "... she put her 'duff' on the table."
I don't think the priest ever understood why that was greeted with such laughter. -- R.F. GOTTSACKER, EDINA, MINN.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)