Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman's Cooking Is Bone of Contention With Fiance
DEAR ABBY: My fiance hates my cooking. Every time I make a meal and ask him what he thinks, he has a different complaint. If I correct what he complained about, he finds a new complaint.
I made a meatloaf. He said the onions overpowered it. I made a romantic, candlelit dinner of chicken and roasted potatoes with a cream sauce. He called it weird. When I prepare a time-consuming dinner, he smothers it with ketchup or salad dressing. It's always "too much salt," "too bland," "needs something," or "not like my mother made," etc.
Abby, I have told him this is hurtful, but he still complains. He has even called my cooking "gross."
I'm sure it isn't that I can't cook -- other people love what I prepare, and my mother says I'm a natural. I have been cooking since I was 11 years old.
My fiance also cooks occasionally, and when he does, I always compliment him on whatever he makes. Is it too much to expect him to express appreciation for my efforts? -- CRUSHED IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS
DEAR CRUSHED: Since you can't please your fiance and he knows how to cook, turn the chore over to him. When you feel the urge to cook, do it for your friends who appreciate your culinary skills.
Your fiance may get his fill of cooking if he has to do all of it, and then he may be glad to let you take over. However, refuse unless he promises not to criticize, to give you a compliment now and then, and share his recipes and culinary secrets.
DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, you printed a letter about people carelessly opening car doors in parking lots, marring adjacent cars. Paint nicks and surface dents barely scratch the surface of this issue. But car doors opened into traffic cause much worse damage -- to bicyclists.
Most states require cyclists to ride on the right, beside parked cars. No cyclist is psychic enough to anticipate when a car door is about to open in front of him, and many serious injuries have resulted from such an action.
A growing number of people commute by bicycles, and most cyclists will tell you that their most constant fear is getting "doored." It's happened to me, and although it was painful, I was fortunate that my bicycle was damaged more than my body.
Vehicle occupants have the benefit of rearview mirrors. This is why most states require drivers to check those mirrors and only then carefully open the doors without impeding traffic -- including bicycles.
If you drive, please remember that cyclists aren't just "careless kids." Many of us are responsible adults who've speeded up your commute by keeping our cars off the road. In return, please realize that we are vulnerable, and check your mirror carefully before reaching for your door handle. -- MICHAEL KATZ, STEERING COMMITTEE, BICYCLE-FRIENDLY BERKELEY COALITION
DEAR MICHAEL: You've given voice to a small but important group who care about the environment as well as their own safety. More pedal power to you!
DEAR ABBY: My problem is I curse way too much. I truly would like to stop, because I hate cursing.
I am 36 years old and have three young children, all under 10 years old. I lose my patience with my kids, and that's when I use the worst of words.
I'm a good parent otherwise, and I love my children very much. But I need to quit cursing. Please help! -- CURSING MOM
DEAR CURSING MOM: When you feel like cursing, substitute an acceptable word or phrase for the curse words. I had a neighbor who, when angered, would shout, "Holy Moses!" and, "Gosh darn son-of-a-sea-cook!"
Wives of Promise Keepers Say Husbands Are Now Better Men
DEAR ABBY: You opened a can of worms by printing the letter from "Suspicious in Illinois" about her belief that "groups of men who fill stadiums" are told to "be in control of every major facet of life." She is obviously talking about the Promise Keepers organization that literally saved my marriage, but she needs to get her facts straight. The main objective of the Promise Keepers is to be men of integrity, men who can be trusted to do what they say -- starting at home with their families.
My husband reluctantly went to a Promise Keepers rally in Seattle a few years ago. When he came home he was a changed man. He said they spent an entire afternoon on "how to honor your wife," and he worked hard to live up to what he had learned -- like really listening to me, spending time alone with me (outside the bedroom), and insisting that the kids respect my decisions.
Our marriage immediately took a turn for the better. We still have our troubles, but because of Promise Keepers we're working them out. I'm glad my man is a Promise Keeper! -- JANE CULBERTSON, LAKE OSWEGO, ORE.
DEAR JANE: The vast majority of the mail I have received about the Promise Keepers has come from enthusiastic wives such as yourself. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My husband belongs to that group "Suspicious" says preach that men should control every major facet of life. She's wrong, Abby. They aren't male supremacists.
Frankly, any group that helps my husband grow spiritually and brings him closer to me I will support 100 percent. Marriage is very difficult in this age, and we need all the help we can get.
I handle the finances in my family because I'm better at it than my husband, and we're partners who use each other's abilities to build a successful marriage. -- HAPPY MY HUSBAND KEEPS HIS PROMISES, NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR HAPPY: If you are handling the finances, you would hardly qualify as a subjugated woman. Thank you for the input. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from serving as a volunteer for one of those conferences that "fills stadiums full of men." I heard 100 percent of what was said during a two-day Promise Keepers conference of about 55,000 men, which my husband and several friends attended.
At no time were the men told they should be in control of every major facet of life. No male supremacy messages were given at all. They WERE instructed to give that control to their Maker and God.
All day long I assisted attendees as they purchased T-shirts, caps, books and tapes to take home to their families. The men treated me with the utmost respect and honor, thanking me for my willingness to volunteer my time.
They spoke of their wives with love and respect. Nothing was said or done that was in any way demeaning or condescending to women. The Bible was used as the source for all instruction. The Bible speaks of the leadership of men, but never in such a way as to put down women.
My husband and I have just celebrated 30 years of marriage. When he began to assume his God-given responsibilities, our marriage improved. We have worked together for 25 years, and the biblical principles that have governed our marriage have also governed our business.
Thank you for the chance to speak my mind. -- CHERYL CRAIN, LEWISVILLE, TEXAS
DEAR CHERYL AND THE MANY WOMEN WHO WROTE IN SUPPORT OF PROMISE KEEPERS: Thank you for your heartfelt input. I learn from my readers every day, as my readers say they learn from me, and I thank you for your candor.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Son Who Came to Dinner Has Overstayed His Welcome
DEAR ABBY: Until two years ago, I thought I had a marriage as good as it gets after the honeymoon. We had some problems, but a marriage without some problems doesn't exist.
The real problems began when my wife's son (I'll call him Paul) came to dinner -- and stayed. He is 40. I am 75, and getting older by the minute.
This "boy" was coming off a failed relationship and needed a place to crash. His mother invited him to stay with us without consulting me. That was her first mistake. I didn't object. That was MY first mistake.
Abby, I am not heartless. I figured Paul would stay maybe a month or two. A year went by while he "looked for work." (He rarely left the house.)
Our home is small, with only one bathroom. The two bedrooms are only 10 feet apart. You can bet I was annoyed, but I thought the arrangement was temporary. I naively believed he would leave when he found a job.
Paul has had a job that pays well for more than a year now, but he can't seem to find a house or apartment he likes better than our home. My wife has said nothing to him to indicate she is unhappy with this state of affairs, but I told him he has to get on with his life, and let us get on with ours. He agrees, but doesn't move.
Short of forcibly ejecting Paul, I'm at a loss what to do except leave. I have roots here and a ton of emotional and material baggage, and hate the idea of pulling up stakes at this time in my life. But the possibility becomes more probable every day.
Needless to say, my wife and I are not on good terms now, and "Frankly, I don't give a damn, Scarlett."
Abby, what's a guy to do about a stepson who has long overstayed his welcome? -- AT MY WIT'S END IN DENVER
DEAR AT WIT'S END: Enough is enough. You and your wife are doing Paul no favor by allowing him to be dependent on you. Explain that to your wife, and ask her to help you find an adequate, furnished apartment her son can live in while he's looking for one he likes. Put a deposit on it, and tell Paul the time has come.
If he can't swing the first month's rent, offer to loan it to him, and give him a deadline to be in his new place. Help him to pack his belongings, and offer to assist on moving day.
DEAR ABBY: "Looking for Love in Dallas," whose wife refused his touches and kisses and also nixed sex, has my sympathy. His wife must not realize how lucky she is to be married to a man who still enjoys affection and sex. I hope she wakes up before he's gone.
After three years of dating, "Al" and I are still at square one. He refuses to hold hands, hug, kiss or show affection in any way. Sex is not a memory for us -- you can't remember what you haven't had.
When I touch Al, he freezes up. If I try to tell him how I feel, he leaves.
I would enjoy all of the above, but he won't ante up. I'm so needy, I could live for months on a single compliment.
Abby, please don't use my name. I'm embarrassed to be in my 60s and still ... LOOKING FOR LOVE IN NORTHEAST TEXAS
DEAR LOOKING FOR LOVE IN NORTHEAST TEXAS: Don't be embarrassed; people of all ages need love. However, you won't find it with Al. Throw this cold fish back in the sea, and go fishing in warmer waters.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)