For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Son Who Came to Dinner Has Overstayed His Welcome
DEAR ABBY: Until two years ago, I thought I had a marriage as good as it gets after the honeymoon. We had some problems, but a marriage without some problems doesn't exist.
The real problems began when my wife's son (I'll call him Paul) came to dinner -- and stayed. He is 40. I am 75, and getting older by the minute.
This "boy" was coming off a failed relationship and needed a place to crash. His mother invited him to stay with us without consulting me. That was her first mistake. I didn't object. That was MY first mistake.
Abby, I am not heartless. I figured Paul would stay maybe a month or two. A year went by while he "looked for work." (He rarely left the house.)
Our home is small, with only one bathroom. The two bedrooms are only 10 feet apart. You can bet I was annoyed, but I thought the arrangement was temporary. I naively believed he would leave when he found a job.
Paul has had a job that pays well for more than a year now, but he can't seem to find a house or apartment he likes better than our home. My wife has said nothing to him to indicate she is unhappy with this state of affairs, but I told him he has to get on with his life, and let us get on with ours. He agrees, but doesn't move.
Short of forcibly ejecting Paul, I'm at a loss what to do except leave. I have roots here and a ton of emotional and material baggage, and hate the idea of pulling up stakes at this time in my life. But the possibility becomes more probable every day.
Needless to say, my wife and I are not on good terms now, and "Frankly, I don't give a damn, Scarlett."
Abby, what's a guy to do about a stepson who has long overstayed his welcome? -- AT MY WIT'S END IN DENVER
DEAR AT WIT'S END: Enough is enough. You and your wife are doing Paul no favor by allowing him to be dependent on you. Explain that to your wife, and ask her to help you find an adequate, furnished apartment her son can live in while he's looking for one he likes. Put a deposit on it, and tell Paul the time has come.
If he can't swing the first month's rent, offer to loan it to him, and give him a deadline to be in his new place. Help him to pack his belongings, and offer to assist on moving day.
DEAR ABBY: "Looking for Love in Dallas," whose wife refused his touches and kisses and also nixed sex, has my sympathy. His wife must not realize how lucky she is to be married to a man who still enjoys affection and sex. I hope she wakes up before he's gone.
After three years of dating, "Al" and I are still at square one. He refuses to hold hands, hug, kiss or show affection in any way. Sex is not a memory for us -- you can't remember what you haven't had.
When I touch Al, he freezes up. If I try to tell him how I feel, he leaves.
I would enjoy all of the above, but he won't ante up. I'm so needy, I could live for months on a single compliment.
Abby, please don't use my name. I'm embarrassed to be in my 60s and still ... LOOKING FOR LOVE IN NORTHEAST TEXAS
DEAR LOOKING FOR LOVE IN NORTHEAST TEXAS: Don't be embarrassed; people of all ages need love. However, you won't find it with Al. Throw this cold fish back in the sea, and go fishing in warmer waters.
Path Across the Dance Floor Leads Right to Woman's Heart
DEAR ABBY: All my life I have loved dancing, as do most of the other women I know. I think it is exciting, fun and great exercise. Couples dancing together are so romantic. When I see a man who can dance with a woman, I am instantly fascinated by him and so are all my friends.
Why, then, are men who dance so hard to come by? Men are "supposed" to be athletic, charming, romantic and masterful; dancing is all of that. Yet, most men I meet are "fish" who say, "I don't dance."
I thought men liked attracting women. I know some people say men are dense, but this fact simply cannot escape anyone's attention: A man can attract women by learning to dance.
Will you please put out the word for us and tell men how sexy they are when they learn to dance? -- WILTING WALLFLOWER IN ARIZONA
DEAR WILTING WALLFLOWER: I receive letters every day from men who complain about how difficult it is to meet and attract women.
Men, now you have heard it from the source! Get out of the house and onto the dance floor. (Take lessons if you need them.) Women will be unable to resist you. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: Whatever happened to people visiting sick friends while they are recuperating at home?
I was raised in an area where people often visited sick friends. They brought food, ran errands, etc. I believe this is the right thing to do.
A dear friend of mine twisted her knee last week and absolutely refuses to allow anyone to visit her. Ordinarily she is so sweet and lovable that I consider her a sister, but now she is making me feel shut out and unwanted. She is treating her elderly mother the same way. She says she wants to recuperate alone with the help of her physical therapist. She claims she has all she can handle without visitors, and doesn't want to see anyone when she is feeling ill.
Why is she behaving this way? How do I get her to understand my feelings, and how can we compromise? Whenever I'm recuperating, I love having guests drop by to help distract me from my sickness. Why won't she let me treat her like I'd want her to treat me? -- WANTS TO HELP, BOYNTON BEACH, FLA.
DEAR WANTS TO HELP: True friends respect each other's wishes. Recuperating from an injury or illness is a personal process. Your friend has been completely honest about what she wants from you during this time. This is not about what you want, but what she needs. Please respect her request for privacy.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please settle a dispute? My daughter recently married her boyfriend with whom she had been living for three years. They had a private wedding out of town, and no one was invited, not even family. Given these circumstances I sent her a nice card, but not a gift.
My daughter has since asked me to lend her $400 to pay her state income taxes from last year. I agreed to loan her the money, but told her to pay me back only $200, and consider the remaining $200 a wedding gift. She seemed very happy with this arrangement.
My partner says this gift is tacky. I disagree. What do you think? -- T.C. IN HOLLYWOOD, CALIF.
DEAR T.C.: Since both you and your daughter are satisfied with the arrangement, I see no problem.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My mom got married about four months ago, and although it has been only a short time, it's all gone haywire. Her husband has an awful temper, and he's hit her several times. We have even had to leave our own home to get away from him because he is so brutal. Yet my mom keeps going back to him.
I begged her to get the police involved, but she wouldn't. Finally one night, after he had broken her wrist and thrown me out of a chair, he left. We didn't hear from him for three days. Then he came back during the night and tried to break in. My sister called the police and we had three weeks of freedom until my mom dropped the charges against him. My siblings and I were scared and angry, yet Mom brought him back on my sister's birthday.
Now that my stepdad is living with us again, I am scared, and I don't want to live with my mom if she's going to let him stay here. My dad died, so I can't live with him. I have considered running away, but I would like to know -- is there a better way? Please help me. -- NOWHERE TO TURN IN ARIZONA
DEAR NOWHERE: You appear to be intelligent and strong, and deserve to be commended for seeking advice from an adult. You should not have to run away in order to get away from your stepfather.
There are two ways to handle this: The first would be to go to a teacher or counselor at your school and repeat what you have told me. It may be easier to clip this letter and take it with you.
Should your stepfather become violent before you can talk to a trusted adult at your school, you and your siblings should get out of the house and go to a neighbor's home to call for help. Ask the telephone operator to connect you to the 24-hour Child Protective Services Hotline. It is staffed seven days a week and will send the police to remove you to a safe place.
Please write again and let me know how you are. Meanwhile, you are in my prayers.
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from Andrea Ryner, writing on behalf of her friend who had recently lost his eyesight, I was reminded of "Abe" -- a man in our town.
Abe is retired now, but for years he made his living doing small-engine repairs on outboard motors, power saws, lawnmowers and the like. He did expert work, and some of the customers who brought items to his shop never realized that Abe was blind.
Some years back, he went into the woods to gather some special bark. He knew exactly where he was and what he was doing, but he was gone somewhat longer than usual. Some friends became worried and reported him missing. An informal search party was sent out, and one of its members encountered Abe in the woods. They exchanged greetings and Abe joined in the search for the "poor lost guy." About an hour later, it was mentioned that the man they were looking for was blind. Only then did Abe realize that the person he was helping to search for was himself!
There's no doubt that Abe was gifted in his ability to her, feel and think, and this story proves that while we rely heavily on vision -- in its absence, other senses can compensate. -- DORCAS PEARSON, HOQUIAM, WASH.
DEAR DORCAS: Abe is obviously a remarkable man who has managed to focus on his abilities rather than his disability. More power to him.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)