To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HAPPILY MARRIED MOM CONFESSES TO DISTURBING FANTASIES OF BOY
DEAR ABBY: I am the happily married mother of two teen-agers.
Something disturbing has happened recently. I find myself attracted to my daughter's boyfriend. He is 19 and I am 46.
I'm no "Mrs. Robinson," and I would never reveal how I feel. When he's here, I behave in nothing but an adult, motherly manner. However, my thoughts and fantasies about him are far from "motherly." This has bothered me for months.
This has never happened before. I know I have to cope with it like anyone else with a secret crush, but I feel like such a fool.
Am I abnormal? Have you ever heard of a mom falling for a kid the age of her children? Please don't make fun of me; I feel silly enough already. And please don't even mention which state this letter came from. -- SMITTEN
DEAR SMITTEN: You are not abnormal, and yes, I have heard of women falling for men the age of their children. I suspect there are many adults (of both sexes) who have found themselves attracted to their children's friends, but would never admit it.
The important consideration is not that you have these feelings, but that you neither reveal nor act on them. As long as your fantasies remain fantasies, they are harmless.
DEAR ABBY: I recently read the letter from "Troubled Tourist," who asked, "Aren't there more options for a single person than cruises that penalize one for traveling alone?" He wanted to travel alone or as part of a group, but pay a single rate and have a private room.
Abby, to give the lowest price to those who are coupled is outrageous! It is akin to saying married is good and single is bad. It is cruel to imply that, when more than 75 million people are divorced, widowed or never married.
I can afford to pay for a cruise, and can afford to travel to Europe alone, but in this couples' world, it is still sometimes painful. I refuse to pay that exorbitantly higher rip-off price for traveling alone! It's time travel agents and hotels wised up and realized they are losing a tremendous amount of business. If condominiums and apartment buildings can accommodate the needs of singles, then so can cruise ships and hotels. -- ELEANOR CARLSON, ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.
DEAR ELEANOR: Meeting the needs of the single traveler may be an idea whose time has come. Many travel agents wrote to offer roommates, singles cruises and discounted rates to "Troubled Tourist," but that was not his question. Perhaps the answer to traveling alone inexpensively is to check several travel sources and plan creatively. Bon voyage!
DEAR ABBY: What is the advantage, and to whom, of an envelope with a window in it?
Half the time, I get my reply in backward, and I'm sure that my wasted time is typical. Who benefits? -- GERALD STROHM, FRESNO, CALIF.
DEAR GERALD: You do. It takes only a moment to ensure that your reply is placed in the envelope correctly. It would take more time to address an envelope. With a window envelope, there is no chance of making an error in the name and address.
Home School Mom Makes Case for High Quality of Education
DEAR ABBY: I was appalled at the arrogance of the teacher who recently wrote, "I have never met a parent who can give his/her children the quality of education I can offer." Does she really believe she can adequately assess my child's needs and give my child a better education in a class filled with 25 other students than I can give on a one-to-one basis?
The National Home Education Institute has recently released data that indicate home-educated students typically score in the 85th percentile on standardized tests. These results are achieved by students whose parents are often not certified teachers and who have spent, on average, $546 per child per year to educate them. The county in which I live recently reported spending $4,791 per student per year and cannot boast equivalent standardized test scores.
I have been a home-school mom for five years and have seen remarkable results in the home-school community. A recent example: A young man who achieved a perfect score on his SATs and was eagerly accepted into the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. -- PATRICIA A. BERNHAUSEN, RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR PATRICIA: In recent months I have published letters from home-schooled children and educators. Your letter is one of a tidal wave of articulate letters from parents rising to defend home-schooling. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: If every teacher could give the "quality education" the one teacher in California claims to give, there might not be a need for parents to teach their children at home. Obviously, when children graduate and can't read, the system has failed. Home-schooling a child is about more than hoping the child receives a good education. It's about safety, instilling the basics of reading, writing and arithmetic, and as a Christian, teaching biblical values.
One reason we don't send our children to school is because of the retired teacher in Florida. His values are not our values. He writes, "Parents should examine the teaching materials ... to make sure they are compatible with their own beliefs." Abby, we ARE familiar with the material. We know what our beliefs are, and we intend to pass them on to our children, who are well-behaved, courteous, intelligent and interact well with others.
Parents who make the enormous sacrifice to teach their children at home can offer them an education that will far surpass any they could receive in a public school. Home-schooling is not for everyone, but if you're concerned with the education your child is receiving, then it's something to consider. -- MELISA SHREVE, QUINLAN, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: Unbiased research by such respected institutions as Harvard and the University of Michigan to evaluate the results of home-schooling indicates that home-taught students fare better than their public education peers. Reader's Digest reported these findings in an article published several years ago.
While I don't believe that all parents would do an adequate job of educating their own children, many can. And the vast majority of home-schooling parents are proving it. It makes me wonder what those who are condemning us are afraid of. -- RHONDA RANDALL, CINCINNATI
DEAR RHONDA: Approximately 1.23 million American children are being taught at home. Several home-schooling parents mailed me an interesting study provided by the Home School Legal Defense Association, titled "Home Education Across the United States." Its research represents the largest and most comprehensive study on home-schooling ever done -- data collected on 5,402 students during the 1994-95 and 1995-96 academic years. Those readers interested in ordering a copy should send $2 to: Home School Legal Defense Association, P.O. Box 3000, Purcellville, Va. 20134. The Internet address is www.hslda.org.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Grandma Yearns for Christmas Holiday Where Less Is More
DEAR ABBY: Every year for as long as I can remember, I've sworn I'd never celebrate another Christmas like the last one, but the holidays are near again, and I haven't done anything to change it.
We have six grown children, all married, and many grandchildren. We have never spent less than $25 on gifts for each of them -- spouses included. This has become quite expensive.
Along with the expense comes a feeling of wastefulness, one gift becoming lost among all the others. There's nothing I could give my grandchildren that they don't already have, and our children are all doing well financially.
My husband retired this year, and we're living on a lot less money now, but even if our finances were greater, I've lost the desire to contribute to this empty commercialism. I don't want to stop giving completely, but I long to have a more meaningful holiday with my family, sharing the gift of OURSELVES and not our wallets.
How can I tactfully approach the subject of cutting back and still let them know how much I love and appreciate each one? -- SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS
DEAR SEARCHING: Yours is a common plight. Honesty is the best approach. Tell your family exactly what you have told me, and offer alternatives. Limit the number of gifts to each person, or limit the dollar amount spent; draw names rather than everyone giving to everyone else; give one gift to each family; ask for no gifts for yourself or your husband, and request instead that the children create something.
As a family, do something for those less fortunate. Spend an evening singing carols at nursing homes and hospitals; gather to bake cookies or prepare a meal for a needy family. Your adult children will appreciate your initiative in reducing their financial burden, and the grandchildren will learn a valuable lesson about the true spirit of Christmas.
Readers, remember the special needs of seniors this season. Most seniors don't want or need expensive gifts. They prefer practical items that make life easier: postcards or lined stationery and plenty of postage stamps; a "certificate" for a service you can perform that is difficult for them; a basket with a variety of canned fruits and vegetables.
A gift of your time to drive them on errands or to church and the doctor, or simply visiting will be appreciated and remembered long after the holidays have passed and the material gifts have been stored away.
Don't forget that many needy children rely on community-sponsored programs if they are to have any Christmas at all. Contributing new toys or clothes to a group in your area will make life brighter for a child living on the edge of poverty. Please consider tucking a book or two into your gift -- giving a child the opportunity to learn to love reading is the greatest gift of all.
DEAR ABBY: In response to the query, "How do you define elderly?" I figure it must be beyond "middle age."
I'm 63 and feel 35, and I define "middle age" as anyone 15 years older than I am.
Thanks for years of entertainment. -- ROBERT GOULET, LAS VEGAS
DEAR ROBERT: No, no. Thank YOU for years of entertainment!
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)