For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I just hung up after calling our former son-in-law to wish him happiness and good luck on his wedding day tomorrow. Oh, how it hurts! We love him, and have loved him, since he came into our family almost 30 years ago. Our daughter has never wanted us to hate him. She doesn't. They had a friendly divorce (sometimes the hardest kind to understand), so we were not betraying her by calling him.
Abby, I just wanted to write to you to put in a good word for loving in-laws. I know that children are the victims of divorce, and that they must learn to accept the decisions of their parents. But on the other hand, we, as parents, must accept the decisions of our children, and silently mourn the loss of someone we love and years of family memories. We, too, are victims. Thank you for listening. -- HEALING TOO SLOWLY IN ILLINOIS
DEAR HEALING: You appear to be a caring and sensitive woman. Perhaps it will speed your healing to keep uppermost in mind that neither your daughter nor your former son-in-law seems to regret the decision to go their separate ways.
I am reminded of the famous line from Reinhold Niebuhr's "The Serenity Prayer": "God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."
DEAR ABBY: I give private music lessons in my home. Most of my students are children who come with their parents and other siblings. Increasingly, I am finding these people's manners to be appalling. The children are allowed to explore every part of my home while their parents sit and do nothing. I end up having to interrupt the lessons while I find "Junior," usually in some private part of my home. I've even had parents disappear into my kitchen, and I can hear them in my cupboards and refrigerator!
Even though I don't have the most expensive furniture, I do not want shoes on my couch or open drinks on my table. Not even my yard, flowers, wind chimes or birdbath is safe from these invaders. Having a private lesson -- music, art or whatever -- should be considered a privilege and an honor. It is certainly preferable to a noisy music store or art studio. Maybe if a few people read this, they will wake up and realize that their actions do matter. -- MUSIC TEACHER, WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR MUSIC TEACHER: When you are conducting lessons, your home is your office. It is up to you to set boundaries. The parts of your home you wish to keep private should be closed off. Post signs reminding visitors to refrain from touching, not entering, etc. Provide a comfortable seating area with reading material and/or toys for the siblings -- and stick to your guns.
DEAR ABBY: My mother and father divorced about 10 years ago, after almost 30 years of marriage. The divorce was nasty and painful for everyone involved. There are still unresolved issues and bad feelings.
My mother and my father's mother were very close until the divorce. After that, my mother no longer felt she belonged in the family. They have sent each other occasional birthday cards and have seen each other about three times over the last 10 years.
My paternal grandmother is now in her late 80s, and although she is still in fairly good health, one never knows when her time will come. My question: Should my mother attend the funeral even though my father will be there with his girlfriend? -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR STUCK: Bearing in mind that your grandmother may have many good years ahead of her, the decision is entirely your mother's. If she feels like attending the funeral and paying her respects (when the time comes), there's no reason why she shouldn't.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Have a joyous Kwanzaa.
GOOD WORD GOES A LONG WAY FOR BOTH STUDENTS AND TEACHER
DEAR ABBY: I have been retired from teaching for many years, and would like to share a lesson I learned that stands out in my memory like no other:
I was young and teaching math at the junior high school level. We had worked hard on a new concept all week, and the students were very stressed. They were frowning, frustrated and carping at each other and me. Wanting to stop the crankiness before it got out of hand, I asked the students to take out two sheets of paper, and list the names of the other students in the room, leaving a space between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates, and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish the assignment. When the students handed me the papers and left, they seemed more relaxed.
That weekend, I wrote the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper and listed what the students had said about that individual. On Monday, I gave each student his or her list. Before long, everyone was smiling. "Really?" I heard one whisper. "I never knew that meant anything to anyone." "I didn't know anyone liked me that much!"
The assignment was never mentioned again, but it didn't matter, because the exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students felt better about themselves and each other.
Years later, I was asked to attend the funeral of one of those students, a promising young man even when I taught him in junior high school. I was deeply saddened by his untimely death in Vietnam.
The church was packed with "Mark's" friends, many of whom had been his classmates and students of mine. After the funeral, I and many of Mark's former classmates were invited to his parents' house. They approached me and said, "We want to show you something. Mark was carrying this when he was killed." His father pulled something from a wallet. It was the list of all the good things Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."
A group of Mark's classmates overheard the exchange. One smiled sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in my top desk drawer at home." Another said, "I have mine, too. It's in my diary." "I put mine in our wedding album," said a third. "I bet we all saved them," said a fourth. "I carry mine with me at all times. I think we all saved our lists!"
That's when I finally sat down and cried. The lesson my former students taught me that day became a standard in every class I taught for the rest of my teaching career. -- SISTER H.P.M., ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR SISTER H.P.M.: Your students were fortunate, indeed. They learned at an early age that "Good words are worth much, and cost little." (George Herbert, 1593-1633)
DEAR ABBY: The letter about the boob who always "accidentally" finished other people's stories reminded me of a story about my grandfather and his daughter, Ethel.
Grandpa was a kind and loving gentleman from the hills of northeast Missouri. His education was limited, but he had a good heart. Ethel graduated from high school and was hired immediately as a teacher.
She had an annoying habit of constantly correcting Grandpa's grammar. One day in exasperation, Grandpa announced, "Ethel, I am about to speak. What should I say?"
I never heard the follow-up, but I assume that took a little wind out of Aunt Ethel's sails. -- BILL IN LOS ANGELES
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Spreading Spirit of Santa Can Bring Joy Year Round
DEAR ABBY: I was disappointed in your response to "Grandma in Saratoga Springs" regarding her grandson's belief in Santa Claus. I don't disagree that the truth should be told, Abby, but HOW the truth is presented can make all the difference in the world in the eyes and heart of a child. The truth about Santa was shared with me in such a wonderful way, there were no bad feelings -- only a lifetime of inspiration.
When I asked if there really was a Santa Claus, my mother responded, "Santa isn't a real person who lives at the North Pole, but the Santa we see on TV, in stores and at parties is a reminder of the Santa 'spirit,' which spreads joy and happiness. Daddy is Santa Claus, and Mom is Santa Claus, and Grandma and Grandpa are Santa Claus. They buy you gifts and do nice things for you because they love you and want to make you happy. Now that you're old enough, you, too, can be Santa Claus."
I was, and am, Santa Claus. At first, part of being Santa was keeping the illusion of Santa alive for the younger children. I got to stay up late, and it was my job to wrap the stocking stuffers and stuff the stockings. It meant drinking the milk and eating the cookies left for Santa. Trying to make the carrots left for the reindeer appear "reindeer-nibbled" was more difficult, and not as desirable.
As I have grown older, the Santa spirit has grown and spread. In college, my dorm mates and I played "Secret Santas," delivering goodies and little gifts to each other during finals week. Later in life, I'd drop off a batch of Christmas cookies to the nearest fire or police station as I made my way to my parents' house on Christmas Eve. You can be Santa Claus while shopping -- whistle Christmas carols, wear sleigh bells that jingle while you walk, smile at those you pass -- be kind and patient with store clerks.
I love being Santa Claus because there is so much joy in giving. It's better than any present you can receive. I hope that my Santa spirit will be with me throughout the year, and that others will find the same joy that comes from being Santa Claus. -- A JOLLY ELF IN ASHTABULA, OHIO
DEAR JOLLY ELF: I'm certain that your Santa spirit will be with you throughout the year, and many readers will be inspired by your spirit of giving. Thank you for an upper of a letter.
DEAR ABBY: I have aunts, uncles and cousins I never see because we have nothing in common. I also have two siblings who detest me, and the feelings are mutual.
I have built my own "family" over the years, and I'm much closer to them than to my blood relatives, excluding my parents, with whom I am very close.
My problem is that it seems like the world expects -- and insists -- that you be close. Comments like, "But he's your BROTHER!" make my blood boil. Why do they insist that I like people I wouldn't bother with if I met them on the street or at a cocktail party?
I'd much rather give my love and compassion to people I care about than be a hypocrite just because of an accident of birth. Is it such a sin not to like a family member? Abby, please respond, as I respect your opinion. -- BEEKMAN PLACE
DEAR BEEKMAN PLACE: It is not a "sin" to dislike a family member. However, it is interesting that you have cut yourself off not only from two siblings, but also from aunts, uncles and cousins, and I cannot help but wonder why you are avoiding the majority of your family.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Have a merry Christmas, but also keep in mind: If you're drinking, do not drive; if you're driving, please do not drink.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)