To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GOOD WORD GOES A LONG WAY FOR BOTH STUDENTS AND TEACHER
DEAR ABBY: I have been retired from teaching for many years, and would like to share a lesson I learned that stands out in my memory like no other:
I was young and teaching math at the junior high school level. We had worked hard on a new concept all week, and the students were very stressed. They were frowning, frustrated and carping at each other and me. Wanting to stop the crankiness before it got out of hand, I asked the students to take out two sheets of paper, and list the names of the other students in the room, leaving a space between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates, and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish the assignment. When the students handed me the papers and left, they seemed more relaxed.
That weekend, I wrote the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper and listed what the students had said about that individual. On Monday, I gave each student his or her list. Before long, everyone was smiling. "Really?" I heard one whisper. "I never knew that meant anything to anyone." "I didn't know anyone liked me that much!"
The assignment was never mentioned again, but it didn't matter, because the exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students felt better about themselves and each other.
Years later, I was asked to attend the funeral of one of those students, a promising young man even when I taught him in junior high school. I was deeply saddened by his untimely death in Vietnam.
The church was packed with "Mark's" friends, many of whom had been his classmates and students of mine. After the funeral, I and many of Mark's former classmates were invited to his parents' house. They approached me and said, "We want to show you something. Mark was carrying this when he was killed." His father pulled something from a wallet. It was the list of all the good things Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."
A group of Mark's classmates overheard the exchange. One smiled sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in my top desk drawer at home." Another said, "I have mine, too. It's in my diary." "I put mine in our wedding album," said a third. "I bet we all saved them," said a fourth. "I carry mine with me at all times. I think we all saved our lists!"
That's when I finally sat down and cried. The lesson my former students taught me that day became a standard in every class I taught for the rest of my teaching career. -- SISTER H.P.M., ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR SISTER H.P.M.: Your students were fortunate, indeed. They learned at an early age that "Good words are worth much, and cost little." (George Herbert, 1593-1633)
DEAR ABBY: The letter about the boob who always "accidentally" finished other people's stories reminded me of a story about my grandfather and his daughter, Ethel.
Grandpa was a kind and loving gentleman from the hills of northeast Missouri. His education was limited, but he had a good heart. Ethel graduated from high school and was hired immediately as a teacher.
She had an annoying habit of constantly correcting Grandpa's grammar. One day in exasperation, Grandpa announced, "Ethel, I am about to speak. What should I say?"
I never heard the follow-up, but I assume that took a little wind out of Aunt Ethel's sails. -- BILL IN LOS ANGELES
Spreading Spirit of Santa Can Bring Joy Year Round
DEAR ABBY: I was disappointed in your response to "Grandma in Saratoga Springs" regarding her grandson's belief in Santa Claus. I don't disagree that the truth should be told, Abby, but HOW the truth is presented can make all the difference in the world in the eyes and heart of a child. The truth about Santa was shared with me in such a wonderful way, there were no bad feelings -- only a lifetime of inspiration.
When I asked if there really was a Santa Claus, my mother responded, "Santa isn't a real person who lives at the North Pole, but the Santa we see on TV, in stores and at parties is a reminder of the Santa 'spirit,' which spreads joy and happiness. Daddy is Santa Claus, and Mom is Santa Claus, and Grandma and Grandpa are Santa Claus. They buy you gifts and do nice things for you because they love you and want to make you happy. Now that you're old enough, you, too, can be Santa Claus."
I was, and am, Santa Claus. At first, part of being Santa was keeping the illusion of Santa alive for the younger children. I got to stay up late, and it was my job to wrap the stocking stuffers and stuff the stockings. It meant drinking the milk and eating the cookies left for Santa. Trying to make the carrots left for the reindeer appear "reindeer-nibbled" was more difficult, and not as desirable.
As I have grown older, the Santa spirit has grown and spread. In college, my dorm mates and I played "Secret Santas," delivering goodies and little gifts to each other during finals week. Later in life, I'd drop off a batch of Christmas cookies to the nearest fire or police station as I made my way to my parents' house on Christmas Eve. You can be Santa Claus while shopping -- whistle Christmas carols, wear sleigh bells that jingle while you walk, smile at those you pass -- be kind and patient with store clerks.
I love being Santa Claus because there is so much joy in giving. It's better than any present you can receive. I hope that my Santa spirit will be with me throughout the year, and that others will find the same joy that comes from being Santa Claus. -- A JOLLY ELF IN ASHTABULA, OHIO
DEAR JOLLY ELF: I'm certain that your Santa spirit will be with you throughout the year, and many readers will be inspired by your spirit of giving. Thank you for an upper of a letter.
DEAR ABBY: I have aunts, uncles and cousins I never see because we have nothing in common. I also have two siblings who detest me, and the feelings are mutual.
I have built my own "family" over the years, and I'm much closer to them than to my blood relatives, excluding my parents, with whom I am very close.
My problem is that it seems like the world expects -- and insists -- that you be close. Comments like, "But he's your BROTHER!" make my blood boil. Why do they insist that I like people I wouldn't bother with if I met them on the street or at a cocktail party?
I'd much rather give my love and compassion to people I care about than be a hypocrite just because of an accident of birth. Is it such a sin not to like a family member? Abby, please respond, as I respect your opinion. -- BEEKMAN PLACE
DEAR BEEKMAN PLACE: It is not a "sin" to dislike a family member. However, it is interesting that you have cut yourself off not only from two siblings, but also from aunts, uncles and cousins, and I cannot help but wonder why you are avoiding the majority of your family.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Have a merry Christmas, but also keep in mind: If you're drinking, do not drive; if you're driving, please do not drink.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FINDING WATER VALVE NOW WILL KEEP YOUR POWDER DRY LATER
DEAR ABBY: This is good advice any time of the year, but especially now that the weather is cold. Please tell your readers to locate the main water shut-off valve in the house and make sure it's in good working order now, before they have an internal water leak.
I work as a dispatcher, and you would be surprised at the number of people who call and don't know where the water meter and shut-off valves are located. They become frantic when a pipe breaks and causes damage, and demand that a water company representative respond immediately to turn off the water.
Most water companies are not responsible for internal leaks, but that's hard to explain to a panicked customer.
While they are at it, they should also locate and inspect the shut-offs for sinks, toilets, washing machines, etc. -- WATER COMPANY DISPATCHER
DEAR DISPATCHER: Good advice. People should also make sure the wrench they may need is handy and that they know how to use it.
DEAR ABBY: I'll get straight to the point. I lie too much. Sometimes I lie about little things, but other times I lie about big things.
Last week, I woke up and realized that my habit of lying was wrong, and one day I'll have to pay for it.
I've tried to stop, but over and over I catch myself doing it again. I want to talk to my mom about this, but when I get ready to ask her for help, I feel embarrassed and scared.
Abby, I desperately need your advice. -- NEEDS ADVICE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR NEEDS ADVICE: You're right -- someday you will have to pay for your lies if you continue.
When you find yourself lying, confess immediately that you stretched the truth or embroidered it -- then apologize. Most people will be forgiving when you immediately admit a wrong.
Not only will you feel better about yourself, you won't have to keep track of all the lies so you can cover for them.
Don't hesitate to ask your mother to assist you in breaking this habit. She loves you and wants the best for you, so go ahead and talk to her about it while you have the desire to quit.
DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away many years ago when our children were very young. I have remained close to his family and they are a big part of my children's lives.
I am planning to remarry and don't know if I should stop referring to them as my in-laws. We will always be close, but I don't want to hurt them or offend my new in-laws.
Abby, how should I refer to "old" in-laws? -- IN-LAW RICH IN NEW YORK STATE
DEAR IN-LAW RICH: Your in-laws are now your former in-laws, except in some cases in which the IRS states that they are in-laws 'til death do ye part. However, since you are on such friendly terms with them, continue to call them "Mom," "Dad," "sister-in-law," etc. In view of the emotional attachment, it's justified.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY JEWISH READERS: Happy Hanukkah!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)