Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER-IN-LAW'S 'OLD MAN' IS TOO OLD FOR HER FAMILY
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is divorced and has a live-in boyfriend, man friend -- no, an old man living with her. He's good to her, but he's too old, and now she's starting to show signs of aging. She's only 58. The boyfriend is 78 and is really getting on the family's nerves.
At night when he drives, he can't see the turn-offs. When he comes to family gatherings, he can't stand the kids yelling and having fun. What a party pooper!
When he dies, if he dies first, she'll be lost. If she goes first, look at all the things she will have missed out on by hanging around an old man. I say it's OK to be friends, but leave it at that. Life's too short -- get on with it. -- FRUSTRATED IN WHITEWATER, WIS.
DEAR FRUSTRATED: From your description of the relationship, your mother-in-law HAS already gotten on with it. She has the right to make her own choices. Remember: His age is not nearly as important as how he treats her.
Be thankful your mother-in-law has found a love match. Not everyone is as fortunate as she.
DEAR ABBY: A while ago you printed a letter from a woman who was concerned because her husband insisted on wearing the wedding band given to him by his late wife.
I lost my first wife at age 19, but was fortunate to meet my present wife two years later.
She resolved the "problem" of the first wedding ring by taking it, along with the ring she gave me, to a jeweler who welded them together. I now have a unique wedding band and a wife who's one in a million. We've been married 34 wonderful years. -- TOM COLLIMORE, SAN MARCOS, CALIF.
DEAR TOM: What a wise and inventive woman you married. Cherish her. She's an original thinker.
DEAR ABBY: I wholeheartedly agree with "Miss Judi," the librarian in Dallas who wanted to remind families about the benefits of public libraries. Our family of six has been making do with slim resources for many years while Dad was in graduate school and starting his career.
All the children got library cards as soon as they could write their names. I showed them how to use the card catalog and introduced them to the librarian. (Sometimes you get a grump, but most of them like to help.) We've spent many a Saturday or Sunday afternoon in our library enjoying the books, programs and other materials they offer.
Today, my children -- ages 6 through 12 -- are avid readers who love books. They even save their allowance to spend on some popular titles that are hard to find in the library. I'm certain this love will take them far in life.
Family memberships to zoos and museums also provide low-cost educational family entertainment. A membership usually costs about what you would pay for two or three visits. With a membership, you also receive admission to member events and special exhibits, and discounts at the gift shops. During the long winter months, being able to go to the museum instead of watching another video is a real treat.
It has taken some effort, but the family entertainment we have discovered on our limited budget is fun and fascinating, and keeps us an active, involved family. -- INNOVATIVE IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR INNOVATIVE: Your entertainment suggestions are just the ticket for families on a tight budget and those who value education. I have always encouraged young people to avail themselves of libraries, for books open up new worlds, real and imagined. Museums and libraries contain the knowledge and imagination of mankind's best -- treasures more valuable than gold and precious jewels. Readers, I recommend this. Positive results are almost guaranteed.
LOVING PARENTS CHERISHED NO MATTER WHAT THEIR AGE
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed the negative responses I received when I asked readers about their experiences as children of older parents. Today I'm printing the positive. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My dad was 46 when I was born. He was the most patient, loving father in the world. He'd show up at school when I was younger, take movies of me playing sports and running. We hiked the Grand Canyon, fished, played softball together all my life. He was always there for me, as well as for my daughter. I sent him a dozen roses for his 81st birthday last April and told him how much I loved him. He passed away 2 1/2 weeks later. So, Abby, tell those people in Texas to go for it! -- BONNIE ARVONITIS, VISTA, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a child born to my mother when she was 40. I lost her when she was 70. My parents filled each holiday with so much enthusiasm, all our friends wanted to share them with us. And they did. When I think of all the unwanted children born to younger parents, I know that when one chooses to have a family at 40, it's because children are WANTED. My father died at the age of 59. I was 21, and yes, I would like to have had him longer. But again, the years I had with him were treasured -- and 59 is very young, especially now that I am 59! -- BARBARA SHOOP, HOLLYWOOD, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: At age 44, my mother announced to her doctor that she might be pregnant with her seventh child. Without bothering to examine her, he informed her she was going through "the change." A few months later, Mother returned and said, "If I'm not pregnant, what is moving around in my stomach?" That was me!
When I was born, my mother was 45 and my father was 57. I was born healthy despite my mother's age, her lack of prenatal care in the first trimester, the fact that she contracted hepatitis during the pregnancy, and consequently had X-rays while I was in there.
Mama was viewed by neighbors as if she had done something immoral or disgusting. Wasn't it bad enough when she had my sister (her sixth) at 39?
Sure, there were times when I was embarrassed by my white-haired parents, especially as a teen-ager. But what teen-agers aren't embarrassed by their parents at some time or another, regardless of age?
Mama is now 75. I am 30 with a family of my own. We are very close. Mama has some health problems, but she's active and independent. I will never regret that she gave me life. My advice to "To Be or Not to Be?" BE! -- MAMA'S BABY IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: My mother was 38 when I was born. She was 44 when I started grade school, and 56 when I graduated from high school. Her age was never an issue or a source of embarrassment. Ours was the house all the kids came to after school, the house that hosted the slumber parties, bake sales -- you name it. Ours was the house where everyone felt comfortable.
Mother was my best friend. We traveled together, talked on the phone almost every day, shopped together, laughed together and cried together. She died in 1995, at the age of 81. I miss her every day.
Advanced age doesn't preclude one's being a good parent. It depends on the individual. Although I lost my mother sooner than I would have wished, I never forget how lucky I was to have her. -- MARY-LOVE BIGONY, AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR MARY-LOVE AND DEAR READERS: To sum it up, in the words of Julie Petrus, of Pflugerville, Texas: "The question is not whether you're too old to have children -- it's what kind of parent are you going to be when you do have children?"
Thank you for the outpouring of heartfelt letters on this subject. I regret that space limitations prevent my printing more of them.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
ACHES OF OLDER PARENTS WERE BIG WORRIES FOR LITTLE CHILD
DEAR READERS: On Oct. 15, I asked those of you who were the children of "older parents" to write me about how it affected you, in order to help a couple in their 40s decide whether or not to start a family. I was unprepared for the avalanche of letters I received passionately arguing both sides of the issue. Some of the loving tributes brought tears to my eyes.
The letters ran about 4-to-1 in favor of starting a family. However, today we'll hear from those who voted "no." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: While I love my parents very much and thank God for them daily, having aging parents was hard on me emotionally. I remember praying to God when I was only 4 years old that he would allow my parents to live until I grew up. I worried they wouldn't live to see me through elementary school. Every ache and pain weighed heavily on my heart. Of course, having older parents was not all bad -- I learned to be very independent at a young age, because I was preparing to carry on alone.
My advice to the couple considering having children: If you are in good health and are well prepared to be around for the next 40 to 50 years, by all means have children. Just keep in mind that they'll be counting on you to be around, so take care of your health.
Another suggestion: If you're hesitant about having children, why not share your love and life by adopting older children who need loving homes? That way, you won't be the oldest parents at PTA meetings. -- CALIFORNIA READER
DEAR CALIFORNIA READER: Your letter touched on several points that were echoed by many readers. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I hope the 40-somethings who are considering becoming parents will consider my advice: PLEASE DON'T!
You might be fooling yourselves about how young and fit you are. When your child is an infant, maybe you won't look like his grandparents. But trust me, the age difference will show up before long.
Have you ever taken care of an infant long enough to discover how exhausting infant care can be? Will you have the stamina to stay up all night with a sick child and still go to work in the morning? When you're in your 60s and your child is a teen-ager, will you snap back after being up all night wondering where that child is? Or worse, because you DO know -- thanks to a cop who called to say your kid has been arrested? Don't think it won't happen.
No matter how healthy you feel, the actuarial tables are not on your side. If you feel the need to have children in your life, I recommend you take in foster children. -- NO NAME PLEASE, ORLANDO, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: My mother was 45 and my dad was 51 when I was born. Dad died when I was 16, leaving me to care for my mother, who was 62. I basically had no parents, and my youth was stolen by responsibility.
If those people want children in their lives, please tell them to be a Big Brother or Sister, or adopt an older child. There are too many unwanted and neglected children out there already.
I grew up with parents who were too old and too tired all the time. I grew up in funeral homes because my dad was the youngest of 12, and the aunts and uncles were dropping like flies. Believe me, it's no life for a kid. Sign me ... THE ACCIDENT
Tomorrow we'll hear from those readers who spoke for the majority -- and urged the hesitant couple in their 40s to "go for it!" Stay tuned.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)