Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Confident Wife Thanks Absent Husband for Being Such a Heel
DEAR ABBY: After spending yet another night alone while my husband was out having a few beers with his friends, I decided to write him the following thank-you note:
Thank you for the countless times you've gone out with your friends and left me home alone; it's made me realize I'm pretty good company.
Thank you for withholding your affection; you taught me I can live without it.
Thank you for refusing to help me do anything around the house; it's made me realize I can do just about anything myself.
Thank you for finding reasons not to spend time with me; it's made me learn to appreciate spending time alone.
Thank you for never sitting down to talk to me; the quiet time has allowed me to re-evaluate my life.
But most of all, and I mean this sincerely, thank you for giving me nine lonely years to realize with conviction that I can walk away from you and survive! -- YOUR 'IN NAME ONLY' WIFE
DEAR IN NAME ONLY: Your farewell letter gives new meaning to finding the good in every bad situation. I'm sorry your lessons had to be learned the hard way. Perhaps your letter will educate others and save them from the pain you experienced.
DEAR ABBY: On the last night of baseball's World Series, I settled in front of the television to watch this deciding game. At the bottom of the ninth inning, my wife asked me to change the channel to her favorite Sunday evening program. This is a program that comes on every week. The last game of the World Series comes on once a year.
I did not want to change the channel, and an argument ensued. I relented, but I was so angry I went for a one-hour walk to cool off while she watched her program. I returned to find my wife pouting because I didn't watch her program with her.
You, being a woman, will have a real problem deciding who should have given in. Abby, please don't suggest two televisions. Come right out with your response. -- FRANK B. JAMES, EL CAJON, CALIF.
DEAR FRANK: I had no problem at all deciding. This is not a man/woman issue. It is about common courtesy and consideration. I think your wife should have conceded.
P.S. Do you own a VCR? It could have averted a disagreement, and allowed you both to have viewed her favorite program at a later time.
DEAR ABBY: I can bear it no longer. I want to know what other people think of "clapping" in church after the choir -- or an individual -- sings. I am so weary of it.
I always thought that you sang in church to praise the Lord, not as entertainment. Most choir numbers or solos are very moving. Then to hear this rousing applause just galls me. People never used to clap in church after performances. Why have they started now?
I think it is rude rather than complimentary. A church should be a place of worship where people offer their talent to God -- not an entertainment center.
After the service ends, there is plenty of time to say you enjoyed their singing. -- P. MEYERS IN MISSOURI
DEAR P. MEYERS: A spontaneous outburst of applause in appreciation of the choir -- or soloist having delivered an exceptionally moving performance -- is understandable, although I have never witnessed it.
Discuss your concerns with your pastor and church leaders. If they find it objectionable, they can pass the word to the congregation that applause during a worship service is inappropriate.
PROFESSIONALS OFFER GUIDANCE TO TEEN WHO'S BEING STALKED
DEAR ABBY: "Quaking in California," the 15-year-old girl who was bothered by her father's friend, must talk immediately to her school counselor or a caring, sympathetic teacher. And she must not be afraid to tell the truth if police interview her.
Four years ago, the sister of one of my students became unusually quiet and withdrawn, so I made a point of befriending her. She told me a shocking story about "the man who sleeps in my bed," her father's boyhood friend who came to the family's trailer in the evenings, slept in her bed and made sexual advances. Her parents did not interfere! She told me how scared she was, and that she couldn't sleep, think or do her school work.
I told her to tell her parents that I said they must "make him leave tonight, or by law they could be held responsible." That empowered the parents. He left that night. I also contacted her school principal, who summoned a deputy because we are legally required to report such incidents. I was away from school the day they questioned her. The poor girl was so intimidated she denied everything. She was sure the man would kill her if she reported him.
Later, the deputy called me to say that apparently the girl had lied to me. I was shocked. I was often in her home because of their distress and poverty. I knew her well enough to know she was telling me the truth. The family believes the man murdered his pregnant wife in his hometown in another country and fled here illegally. They also believed that he delivered narcotics across the state, hidden among the heavy equipment he transported. The parents were terrified of him.
Abby, I wrote a letter and sent it to the Sheriff's Department, the INS, the DEA, our SANE (Substance Abuse Narcotics Education) officer, the student's principal, and a newspaper reporter who had befriended the family. The "man who sleeps in my bed" disappeared in days and hasn't been seen since. We could get rid of those who would harm our children, if we persist. -- A CALIFORNIA TEACHER
DEAR TEACHER: You handled the problem very well. I hope others will learn from your example. Please read on for more input from a caring professional:
DEAR ABBY: I am a clinical social worker in Los Angeles who is very disturbed about the letter in your column from the 15-year-old girl who is being stalked and harassed by her father's 34-year-old male friend.
You were absolutely correct when you told her to save and photocopy the notes and show them to a responsible adult, such as a school counselor or clergyperson. I would strongly urge this young woman to go even further than this. The behavior of these irresponsible parents is unconscionable. They cannot be relied upon to take action when the school authorities contact them about this.
She can, and should, report this man's behavior both to the police and to her local Department of Children's Services. Her school counselor can help her contact them. These two entities have the power to protect her from further harassment and stalking (and he is indeed stalking her), to provide education and counseling to the family, to educate her mother and father about responsible parenting, and to monitor them to ensure that they provide it. She should also ask her school counselor to provide her with ongoing counseling for herself.
Urge her to do this without delay, before the man becomes more bold in his actions. -- CONCERNED ADULT IN L.A.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FAMILY FRIEND'S STALKING IS GOOD REASON FOR GIRL TO FEAR
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a scared 15-year-old girl who was being pestered by a family friend, and whose parents did not take her fear seriously.
To "Quaking in California," I would like to say: "If Sam has taken photos of you at the mall and is leaving suggestive notes on your door, he is already stalking you! Do something about it now. Go to the police and let them know your fears."
I am a convicted sex offender, and I see it as only a matter of time before this man comes after this young lady and rapes her. The police should be notified immediately. She is in my prayers. -- 'TREATED' IN MONROE, WASH.
DEAR TREATED: The girl's letter brought a flood of mail from readers who identified with it and offered advice. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your advice fell a little short. She is worried that "Sam" might start stalking her. I've got news for you: He already is! California stalking laws are very specific, and Sam's activities would definitely qualify as such. Sam is 34 and trying to start a relationship with a 15-year-old. Last time I checked, that was illegal -- consensual or not. Being drunk is no excuse. She would be best advised to talk to the police and seek a restraining order. When looking for friends, maybe her parents should look somewhere other than the local bar. -- BRYAN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ABBY: I'm 32, but when I was 15, a friend of my brother's (who is 10 years older than me) started making passes at me. This went on for about two months. It ended with my being raped. The emotional scars I have dealt with; the physical scars I cover up.
Abby, "Quaking in California" has reason to be afraid. "Sam" is stalking her, and if her parents won't listen, she should take copies of the notes from her father's friend to the police. -- K.H. IN FRESNO, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I knew I had to write when I read the letter from "Quaking." That was me 20 years ago. I spent several years of my life afraid to attend any family gatherings. If I went, I would be afraid even to go to the bathroom for fear "Uncle Pete" would follow me. My parents thought I was an overimaginative child, too young to know what was going on.
Well, one night Uncle Pete passed out on our couch, and I woke up to find him all over me! He ripped off my clothes and I thought he was going to rape me. I managed to push him off me and scream. Uncle Pete ran out of the house and I never saw him again. My dad made sure of it!
Abby, too many parents think their children are too young to know what sexual harassment is, but they're not. Children know the feelings of shame and fear when someone makes sexual moves on them, even if they don't know what to call those feelings. But there is a name for it: sexual abuse of children.
Her instincts should be applauded, but she needs help fast. Most rapes are committed by a family friend or member, not by an unknown. Parents must teach their children not to succumb to the child predator.
"Quaking," go to your counselor or teachers, or the police. If you can't do that, find an adult you can trust -- maybe the mother of a friend. If you came to me, I would help, and there are many other good people who would, too. Good luck, and may the Lord keep you safe. -- SURVIVOR IN SIMPSONVILLE, S.C.
DEAR READERS: I regret that space limitations prevent me from printing all of the excellent letters I have received offering support and direction for "Quaking in California." However, tomorrow I will print two more -- from professionals who work with children. Stay tuned.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)