For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
End of Affair Turns Woman's Secret Love Into Obsession
DEAR ABBY: I've been in a loveless marriage for 20 years. Six years ago, I fell in love with a wonderful (but married) man. We shared a passionate, fantastic and totally secret relationship until a year ago -- when his wife discovered our affair. Unfortunately, instead of kicking him out, she chose to forgive him.
He had led me to believe that our love was forever and he couldn't live without me. Now he tells me he realizes he still loves his wife, will not leave her, and our relationship is over.
I will not accept this. I must live my life with him. I am unable to give him up. I'll do anything to get him away from his wife, but I'm running out of ideas. Do you have any? -- DESPERATE IN DETROIT
DEAR DESPERATE: Yes. Get over it. You have confused love with obsession. If you continue pursuing this man, you are asking for a bigger dose of heartache than what you've already suffered.
Concentrate on the husband you have, and perhaps you'll have a marriage as successful as your former lover's.
DEAR ABBY: The mother of "Caged Up in Los Angeles," who won't allow her 19-year-old daughter out of the house after sundown, is making a tragic mistake.
She's teaching her daughter that she has no willpower, no conscience and no judgment. The mother fails to realize that if her daughter is so inclined, she can misbehave as easily at 2:30 in the afternoon as she might at 11 p.m.
That mother should be teaching her daughter the social skills. She should then permit her daughter to practice and refine them. If the mother fails to do this, she will be sending an unprepared, uninformed and inexperienced 25-year-old into society, thus doing a disservice to her daughter as well as those around her. -- N.P., SANTA MONICA, CALIF.
DEAR N.P.: I couldn't have said it better. I pray the young woman's mother recognizes herself, and eases up on her daughter.
DEAR ABBY: In commenting on your advice to "Sad Mom-to-Be," the woman signed "Been There, Done That" said her husband was also selfish, inconsiderate and inflexible, and her son is "now stuck with a name that means nothing to him."
I am always amazed that people who hate their names feel that they are stuck with them forever. "Been There" should look at her own "flexibility." My ex-husband and I have both changed our names, and so have at least five other relatives and several friends.
There are very few possessions, physical or acquired, that are not changeable nowadays, and my name was a lot easier to improve than my nose! -- GERTA FARBER, OAKLAND, CALIF.
DEAR GERTA: I salute your honesty -- and what an interesting and unusual name you chose. I'll wager that changing your name was a lot less expensive than your nose job.
Sister Resists Taking Sides in Brother's Bitter Breakup
DEAR ABBY: My youngest brother, Jim, and his wife, Mary, have been separated for a couple of years and plan to divorce. They have three children and I have four, all close in age.
About three weeks ago, my youngest son, Billy, said he missed his cousins and wanted to go to Aunt Mary's mobile home to visit them. I called my brother and asked how he felt about Billy's request. Jim said he would prefer that I not continue my friendship with Mary and the children. He said that we would be disloyal to him if we continue to see his estranged wife and their children.
A few days later, Billy saw his cousins in school, and they begged him to visit them. I then called Mary and she, too, invited us over. We had a very pleasant evening together.
The next morning, Jim arrived at my place and said, "I see that you chose Mary over me. I'm having a birthday party next weekend, and you and your kids are not invited. Furthermore, you can never come to my house again."
I replied, "OK, I'll be loyal to you! I won't see Mary again."
Jim said, "It's too late. You've made your choice." Then he stormed out.
I discussed my brother's attitude with our parents. Dad said, "You should be loyal to your brother." Mom said, "It's about feelings."
I think it's about Jim's insecurities.
Abby, maybe I shouldn't have gone to my estranged sister-in-law's home, but I don't think I was being disloyal to my brother. Do you think Jim was out of line? -- MINNEAPOLIS READER
DEAR READER: Your brother obviously is distraught at the breakup of his marriage, and yes, I would say that Jim was out of line.
It's sad enough that his children are losing their full-time father without losing their cousins as well.
Jim's attitude is all too common in divorce. You have the right to maintain a relationship with your brother's children. They are still family, so don't let Jim dissuade you.
DEAR ABBY: I must take issue with your answer to "Looking for Friends," the boring woman who did not know how to make friends. I think she needs an evaluation for depression, if it has not already been done, as part of her insomnia workup.
In my many years of practicing internal medicine, I have found that when I think a patient is boring (i.e., the inability to make small talk, and no sense of humor), the underlying problem is often depression. At times, the state of depression has been lifelong and the patient has no idea how to interact normally with other people. These same patients often seem angry and impatient, and my staff dreads dealing with them. Just like "Looking for Friends," they suffer from sleeping problems, a lack of "fun" and isolation.
The difference after medical treatment for depression is stunning. Their co-workers, and my staff, are amazed by their newfound ability to smile and make eye contact on casual greeting. They laugh easily and find conversation a pleasure. Even their appearance changes from drab clothing and a protective posture to bright accessories and an easy stance. Only then do they have the interest, the motivation and energy to view the world around them with curiosity, and pursue interests that will connect them with other people.
Abby, please advise this young woman to speak with her doctor or a mental health professional. -- JUDITH A. PALEY, M.D., DENVER
DEAR DR. PALEY: Thank you for offering your professional expertise. While I'm uncertain whether there is a connection between social ineptitude and depression, it could do no harm to have an evaluation -- particularly if the payoff is as profound as you describe. Readers, please take note.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WIFE'S GAME PLAN FOR IN-LAW REQUIRES HUSBAND ON HER SIDE
DEAR ABBY: After reading her letter about her mother-in-law, I have heartfelt sympathy for "Charlotte in North Carolina." However, I think that your advice that she should start looking for another man for her mother-in-law was unrealistic. The chances of her finding a man who would put up with a witch like her mother-in-law are pretty slim. I have the same mother-in-law problem, so here's my advice to Charlotte:
Your mother-in-law will never accept you, understand you or listen to you, so don't hold your breath waiting for her to see the light. If she's anything like mine, she uses guilt like a master manipulator. She'll turn on the tears or spout outright lies to get her way.
Tearing your family apart for her own selfish needs is heartless. However, as much as you want to blame your mother-in-law, your husband is the one to blame. Only he can put "Mommie Dearest" in her place.
At first, my husband thought I was too sensitive to his mother's indirect insults. However, once he took notice of them, he began to understand my feelings.
Charlotte, discuss your mother-in-law's comments with your husband while they're still fresh. Point out situations where she's interfering with family time. Always remember that she's his mother and the children's grandmother, and she deserves respect even when you don't get hers in return. You can learn to play the game.
Granted, you'll never get rid of the old battle-ax, but it helps if your husband is on your side to counter her attacks. Perhaps one day she'll get the hint and get a life of her own. -- KEEPING THE PEACE, TERRE HAUTE, IND.
DEAR KEEPING THE PEACE: I am printing your letter in its entirety with the hope that it will provide a blueprint for "Charlotte" to follow. I can think of few relationships as emotionally charged as those between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law.
P.S. I'm one of the lucky ones. I love my mother-in-law! Rose Phillips, take a bow.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend took me to a party where I felt really out of place. A woman he knew was there, and my boyfriend sat and talked to her for hours. I sat by myself. Fortunately, my brother-in-law was also a guest, so when he saw I had been deserted, he more or less entertained me. When food was served, I looked up and saw my boyfriend leading this woman to a porch where they could sit and talk some more, while I again sat by myself.
Later that night, I told him he was rude and inconsiderate. Was I wrong? -- PARTY BLUES IN RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR PARTY BLUES: No, you were not wrong. Your boyfriend was rude and inconsiderate -- and if you are still with him, you are foolish. You can do better.
Next time around, try to find a boyfriend as sensitive and considerate as your brother-in-law, and you'll have yourself a winner.
DEAR READERS: A man went into a fortune-teller's shop and waited for a reading. The fortune-teller gazed into the crystal ball and said, "You will be poor and unhappy until you are 45 years old."
"Then what will happen?" asked the man.
The fortune-teller replied, "Then you'll get used to it."
Thank you, Anonymous Reader, for sending this to me. I think it's a hoot.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)