To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sister Resists Taking Sides in Brother's Bitter Breakup
DEAR ABBY: My youngest brother, Jim, and his wife, Mary, have been separated for a couple of years and plan to divorce. They have three children and I have four, all close in age.
About three weeks ago, my youngest son, Billy, said he missed his cousins and wanted to go to Aunt Mary's mobile home to visit them. I called my brother and asked how he felt about Billy's request. Jim said he would prefer that I not continue my friendship with Mary and the children. He said that we would be disloyal to him if we continue to see his estranged wife and their children.
A few days later, Billy saw his cousins in school, and they begged him to visit them. I then called Mary and she, too, invited us over. We had a very pleasant evening together.
The next morning, Jim arrived at my place and said, "I see that you chose Mary over me. I'm having a birthday party next weekend, and you and your kids are not invited. Furthermore, you can never come to my house again."
I replied, "OK, I'll be loyal to you! I won't see Mary again."
Jim said, "It's too late. You've made your choice." Then he stormed out.
I discussed my brother's attitude with our parents. Dad said, "You should be loyal to your brother." Mom said, "It's about feelings."
I think it's about Jim's insecurities.
Abby, maybe I shouldn't have gone to my estranged sister-in-law's home, but I don't think I was being disloyal to my brother. Do you think Jim was out of line? -- MINNEAPOLIS READER
DEAR READER: Your brother obviously is distraught at the breakup of his marriage, and yes, I would say that Jim was out of line.
It's sad enough that his children are losing their full-time father without losing their cousins as well.
Jim's attitude is all too common in divorce. You have the right to maintain a relationship with your brother's children. They are still family, so don't let Jim dissuade you.
DEAR ABBY: I must take issue with your answer to "Looking for Friends," the boring woman who did not know how to make friends. I think she needs an evaluation for depression, if it has not already been done, as part of her insomnia workup.
In my many years of practicing internal medicine, I have found that when I think a patient is boring (i.e., the inability to make small talk, and no sense of humor), the underlying problem is often depression. At times, the state of depression has been lifelong and the patient has no idea how to interact normally with other people. These same patients often seem angry and impatient, and my staff dreads dealing with them. Just like "Looking for Friends," they suffer from sleeping problems, a lack of "fun" and isolation.
The difference after medical treatment for depression is stunning. Their co-workers, and my staff, are amazed by their newfound ability to smile and make eye contact on casual greeting. They laugh easily and find conversation a pleasure. Even their appearance changes from drab clothing and a protective posture to bright accessories and an easy stance. Only then do they have the interest, the motivation and energy to view the world around them with curiosity, and pursue interests that will connect them with other people.
Abby, please advise this young woman to speak with her doctor or a mental health professional. -- JUDITH A. PALEY, M.D., DENVER
DEAR DR. PALEY: Thank you for offering your professional expertise. While I'm uncertain whether there is a connection between social ineptitude and depression, it could do no harm to have an evaluation -- particularly if the payoff is as profound as you describe. Readers, please take note.
WIFE'S GAME PLAN FOR IN-LAW REQUIRES HUSBAND ON HER SIDE
DEAR ABBY: After reading her letter about her mother-in-law, I have heartfelt sympathy for "Charlotte in North Carolina." However, I think that your advice that she should start looking for another man for her mother-in-law was unrealistic. The chances of her finding a man who would put up with a witch like her mother-in-law are pretty slim. I have the same mother-in-law problem, so here's my advice to Charlotte:
Your mother-in-law will never accept you, understand you or listen to you, so don't hold your breath waiting for her to see the light. If she's anything like mine, she uses guilt like a master manipulator. She'll turn on the tears or spout outright lies to get her way.
Tearing your family apart for her own selfish needs is heartless. However, as much as you want to blame your mother-in-law, your husband is the one to blame. Only he can put "Mommie Dearest" in her place.
At first, my husband thought I was too sensitive to his mother's indirect insults. However, once he took notice of them, he began to understand my feelings.
Charlotte, discuss your mother-in-law's comments with your husband while they're still fresh. Point out situations where she's interfering with family time. Always remember that she's his mother and the children's grandmother, and she deserves respect even when you don't get hers in return. You can learn to play the game.
Granted, you'll never get rid of the old battle-ax, but it helps if your husband is on your side to counter her attacks. Perhaps one day she'll get the hint and get a life of her own. -- KEEPING THE PEACE, TERRE HAUTE, IND.
DEAR KEEPING THE PEACE: I am printing your letter in its entirety with the hope that it will provide a blueprint for "Charlotte" to follow. I can think of few relationships as emotionally charged as those between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law.
P.S. I'm one of the lucky ones. I love my mother-in-law! Rose Phillips, take a bow.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend took me to a party where I felt really out of place. A woman he knew was there, and my boyfriend sat and talked to her for hours. I sat by myself. Fortunately, my brother-in-law was also a guest, so when he saw I had been deserted, he more or less entertained me. When food was served, I looked up and saw my boyfriend leading this woman to a porch where they could sit and talk some more, while I again sat by myself.
Later that night, I told him he was rude and inconsiderate. Was I wrong? -- PARTY BLUES IN RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR PARTY BLUES: No, you were not wrong. Your boyfriend was rude and inconsiderate -- and if you are still with him, you are foolish. You can do better.
Next time around, try to find a boyfriend as sensitive and considerate as your brother-in-law, and you'll have yourself a winner.
DEAR READERS: A man went into a fortune-teller's shop and waited for a reading. The fortune-teller gazed into the crystal ball and said, "You will be poor and unhappy until you are 45 years old."
"Then what will happen?" asked the man.
The fortune-teller replied, "Then you'll get used to it."
Thank you, Anonymous Reader, for sending this to me. I think it's a hoot.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter Is Red in the Face Over Dad's Shameless Bigotry
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old, white, female college graduate. I have a sensitive problem with my father.
My father is a racist. He's filled with hatred for blacks, Jews, Asians, even Native Americans (despite the fact that his own grandfather was a Native American). Somehow, I managed to grow up to be a very different person. To me, human diversity is a wonderful thing and a cause for celebration.
My father's use of offensive terms to refer to ethnic minorities has made being seen in public with him a humiliating experience. I have asked him repeatedly to refrain from using ethnic slurs in my presence, but he refuses to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with such terms. I get nervous when we go shopping or out to eat together, because he uses these words in public. It's so embarrassing that I'm afraid to have friends into our home because of something he might say in front of them.
I know my father will probably never overcome his hateful attitudes. I love him and want him to be part of my life, but I can no longer tolerate his racism. It is not only offensive to me, I'm afraid others will assume that I share his views, since most people's values are shaped by the values of their parents. To me, there could be no accusation more painful and degrading than being assumed to be a racist.
What can I do, other than dropping out of my father's life? -- NOT GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION IN MICHIGAN
DEAR NOT GUILTY: Since your father has been told repeatedly that you find his racial slurs offensive, and he persists in embarrassing you by using them in public, you are certainly within your rights to limit the amount of time you spend with him in situations that make you vulnerable to embarrassment. You can also minimize your potential discomfort by not exposing him to your friends, or by warning them in advance to be prepared to meet a bigot. Only as a last resort should you cut him off completely.
DEAR ABBY: I hope you don't mind my response to the reader who signed herself "Happy to Be Ron's Girl." She's the young woman who enjoys meeting her boyfriend's needs through homemaking.
Abby, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, per se. What I object to is that she thinks she's wearing the crown of true womanhood because she likes scrubbing toilets, doing laundry and ironing shirts.
I work at a local high school, teaching gender equality to the girls there. I tell them they need to get in touch with their skills and find jobs that fulfill them. Too often, girls do what society tells them they SHOULD do. In the "happy days" of the '50s, there were many unhappy and unfulfilled women staying home with the vacuum cleaner because they felt they had no other choice.
A woman's place is where she WANTS to be -- at home or on the job. That is what "contemporary feminism" is all about. -- JUNE KALLESTAD, GENDER EQUITY COORDINATOR, CLOQUET SENIOR HIGH, CLOQUET, MINN.
DEAR JUNE: That's sensible, and I'm in complete agreement. And by the way, you are right where YOU belong -- advising young women about how to build the brightest future they can for themselves. Bravo!
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)