For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am deeply disturbed by the situation my sister has gotten herself into. She calls me often to ventilate and seek my advice. I care a great deal about her, but the telephone time and expense are beginning to affect my marriage, and she never takes my advice anyway.
"Nancy" and her husband have been married 23 years. They are both well-educated. He is a professional and Nancy has worked off and on to supplement their income. They have three children, one in college and two in high school.
Abby, their main problem is that they are heavily in debt due to his excessive use of credit cards. Nancy has allowed the situation to continue for many years, claiming she has no control over him. He manages their money and feels that as the primary wage earner, he has the right to control their finances. They have gone to credit counselors, but have never gained control of their debt situation.
Now they are having trouble qualifying for a mortgage, and their son who is in college is being held liable for $3,900 in telephone charges his roommate incurred.
I have urged my sister to take control of the money in their family, but apparently she hasn't. Every time a new crisis arises, she seems surprised and angry.
Abby, what advice can I give her? -- J.A. IN EL PASO, TEXAS
DEAR J.A.: Since your sister has never taken advantage of your wise counsel, stop giving it. Listen to her other problems if you wish, but when she starts to replay this broken record, end the conversation. If she asks you why, tell her that you love her, but that her refusal to handle financial problems is beginning to affect YOUR marriage.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letters in your column about forgiveness, I remembered something that I read in "Reader's Digest" the morning I had my first real argument with my husband. We had been married only a month. It read:
"To forgive is holy.
"To forget takes restraint.
"To forget what you forgave is the mark of a saint."
Abby, it was true then and it's true today. -- K.C. IN PUNTA GORDA, FLA.
DEAR K.C.: Thank you for sharing this bit of wisdom. Readers, I urge each of you to adopt this sage philosophy, for who among us does not need to be forgiven more than once in a lifetime?
DEAR READERS: With Christmas approaching, I have recently discovered an outstanding new reading resource for parents, grandparents, teachers and mentors who want to find books especially for young African American males. Beginning with books for very young children, it progresses to books for high school and adult readers -- and contains lively, informative descriptions of more than 100 outstanding works of literature by such authors as Langston Hughes, Walter Mosley, Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Frederick Douglass and James Baldwin.
Created by the Givens Foundation for African American Literature, "Spirited Minds: African American Books for Our Sons and Our Brothers" (W.W. Norton, N.Y. & London), sells for $11 in softcover.
Adults can create a lifelong love for reading in children by reading to them and with them -- and the most powerful way to teach is by engaging the imagination.
DRINKING AND DRIVING MAKE DEADLY COCKTAIL FOR TEENS
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have just observed the second anniversary of the death of our firstborn child, and I have finally gathered the courage to write this letter.
My child, the passenger, was killed instantly in a horrible car accident. The driver died a few hours later. Both of these teen-agers had been drinking. The driver had a fake ID, and apparently had purchased alcohol for both of them. The autopsy report on my child came back as legally intoxicated.
My husband and I did everything we could to warn our child about the dangers of alcohol and other drugs. Our words fell on deaf ears, despite all our pleas and warnings.
Even after two years, it's still difficult to allow our surviving teen-ager the freedom to go out at night. That wreck is always in the back of our minds. Though this child is dependable and responsible, we live in fear of the deadly driving of another drunken teen who thinks the only way to have fun is to illegally purchase alcohol and other drugs.
Since the world is still reeling from the shock of the senseless death of the Princess of Wales, perhaps it's a good time for those who admired her to stop and think before getting behind the wheel of a car after they've been drinking.
I realize the problems of driving while intoxicated are not limited to teen-agers and young adults. Everyone, regardless of age, needs to be made aware of this horrible problem so common in our society today.
Parents and teachers, please show this letter to the young people you care about. It may cause some kids to wake up before it's too late. -- GRIEVING MOM IN TEXAS
DEAR GRIEVING MOM: I offer my deepest sympathy on the tragic loss of your firstborn. With the holidays rapidly approaching, I hope your letter will serve as a cautionary reminder about the dangers of driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs. Although for years parents have hammered home the message, "Don't drive if you've been drinking," they should also emphasize that when passengers are intoxicated, they cannot reliably judge the sobriety of the driver.
DEAR ABBY: My two children, ages 8 and 11, each have chores to do after every meal, such as clearing the table or putting the dishes in the dishwasher.
When the children have friends over, however, they don't want to do their chores. Is it OK to make them? And if so, should they be able to ask their guests to help? -- UNSURE MOM, MARINE ON SAINT CROIX, MINN.
DEAR MOM: Every family has its own approach to children and chores. It's up to you to determine what works best for you, and then enforce it. If the children are responsible about performing their duties, an occasional night off when special friends visit could be a simple way of rewarding them. If you require that they do their chores even when they have company, their friends should not be expected to assist them, unless they volunteer to do so.
DEAR ABBY: Although I've never written to you before, I have what I think is a valuable tip for the young mother whose child threw a temper tantrum in a department store. (She was alarmed that no one tried to stop her as she carried the screaming child from the store.)
I taught both my children that if a stranger grabs them, they're to yell, "Put me down! You're not my daddy (or mommy)!" Hopefully this would arouse more attention than simply yelling would.
I hope this is helpful not only to the woman who wrote to you, but to other parents as well. -- PROTECTIVE MOM IN TEXAS
DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: I appreciate your valuable suggestion. Thank you for submitting it.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife's Cigarette Addiction Overrules Her Love of Life
DEAR ABBY: My wife is the most unselfish person I know. She'll do anything except for one thing. She loves her children and does everything they ask -- except for what they want most. My wife adores our grandchildren and will indulge them with anything they ask -- except for what they harass her about most often. She refuses to quit smoking.
Her love for her family is exceeded only by her addiction to nicotine. Cigarettes are her first thought in the morning, and they receive her last caress at night. She has emphysema, breathes heavily and coughs constantly. We haven't shared a bed in years because her coughing keeps me awake. She sleeps on the living room couch to elevate her head and facilitate her breathing.
Cough drops and other non-prescription drugs temporarily relieve a variety of ailments, so she ingests them daily along with prescription medications. She has undergone angioplasty to clear a clogged artery and was advised by her surgeon to stop smoking. Unfortunately, her addiction is more powerful than her desire to live.
I also have lung disease from 40 years of smoking cigarettes, pipes and cigars. Five times I quit for more than a year. Twice I quit cold turkey without help. Twice I had acupuncture. I quit the last time three years ago during a "smoke stoppers" class at the hospital. I know smoking is a difficult habit to break. And I suspect it's more difficult for people who are genetically prone to addictions. (My wife is a recovering alcoholic.)
She has tried to quit smoking. She's had acupuncture twice and she also attended the "smoke stoppers" course. She has worn nicotine patches and has chewed nicotine-based gum. But she has never gone more than a day or two without a cigarette. (She confessed that she lit up while driving home from one of the $100 acupuncture treatments.) In deference to her family, she doesn't smoke in the house. In wind, rain and cold temperatures, she goes outside to light up. And this further aggravates her respiratory problems.
I'm angry. I'm angry with my wife. I'm angry with myself for being her co-dependent. I'm angry at cigarette companies for enticing us to take up this insidious habit. And I'm angry with the government for not exercising more control over a drug that kills 500,000 Americans every year.
My wife was born of sturdy Norwegian ancestry on a farm in Minnesota, and for years her body stubbornly resisted the hourly doses of nicotine. But little by little, her body is losing the battle. She needs help. I need help. -- THE MAN WHO LOVES HER
DEAR MAN: Your wife may be beyond the help you seek, but perhaps it will comfort you to know that your powerful letter may convince another person to stop smoking. And tomorrow will provide the perfect opportunity:
READERS, tomorrow, Nov. 20, marks the 21st Annual Great American Smokeout. The Smokeout is a one-day campaign to encourage smokers to quit smoking for 24 hours -- to prove that they can do it. Last year, more than 11,960,000 quit for the day -- a giant step in the right direction.
My readers tell me that while "cold turkey" is the most difficult, it's also the most effective way to kick the habit. Those who need help or want more information about the effects of tobacco may call the local chapter of the American Cancer Society or 1-800-ACS-2345.
So, Dear Readers, if you're hooked on tobacco and have been saying, "One of these days, I'm going to quit," why not join the Great American Smokeout and quit tomorrow? It won't be easy, but it will be the best Thanksgiving gift you can give yourself and those who love you.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)