Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife's Cigarette Addiction Overrules Her Love of Life
DEAR ABBY: My wife is the most unselfish person I know. She'll do anything except for one thing. She loves her children and does everything they ask -- except for what they want most. My wife adores our grandchildren and will indulge them with anything they ask -- except for what they harass her about most often. She refuses to quit smoking.
Her love for her family is exceeded only by her addiction to nicotine. Cigarettes are her first thought in the morning, and they receive her last caress at night. She has emphysema, breathes heavily and coughs constantly. We haven't shared a bed in years because her coughing keeps me awake. She sleeps on the living room couch to elevate her head and facilitate her breathing.
Cough drops and other non-prescription drugs temporarily relieve a variety of ailments, so she ingests them daily along with prescription medications. She has undergone angioplasty to clear a clogged artery and was advised by her surgeon to stop smoking. Unfortunately, her addiction is more powerful than her desire to live.
I also have lung disease from 40 years of smoking cigarettes, pipes and cigars. Five times I quit for more than a year. Twice I quit cold turkey without help. Twice I had acupuncture. I quit the last time three years ago during a "smoke stoppers" class at the hospital. I know smoking is a difficult habit to break. And I suspect it's more difficult for people who are genetically prone to addictions. (My wife is a recovering alcoholic.)
She has tried to quit smoking. She's had acupuncture twice and she also attended the "smoke stoppers" course. She has worn nicotine patches and has chewed nicotine-based gum. But she has never gone more than a day or two without a cigarette. (She confessed that she lit up while driving home from one of the $100 acupuncture treatments.) In deference to her family, she doesn't smoke in the house. In wind, rain and cold temperatures, she goes outside to light up. And this further aggravates her respiratory problems.
I'm angry. I'm angry with my wife. I'm angry with myself for being her co-dependent. I'm angry at cigarette companies for enticing us to take up this insidious habit. And I'm angry with the government for not exercising more control over a drug that kills 500,000 Americans every year.
My wife was born of sturdy Norwegian ancestry on a farm in Minnesota, and for years her body stubbornly resisted the hourly doses of nicotine. But little by little, her body is losing the battle. She needs help. I need help. -- THE MAN WHO LOVES HER
DEAR MAN: Your wife may be beyond the help you seek, but perhaps it will comfort you to know that your powerful letter may convince another person to stop smoking. And tomorrow will provide the perfect opportunity:
READERS, tomorrow, Nov. 20, marks the 21st Annual Great American Smokeout. The Smokeout is a one-day campaign to encourage smokers to quit smoking for 24 hours -- to prove that they can do it. Last year, more than 11,960,000 quit for the day -- a giant step in the right direction.
My readers tell me that while "cold turkey" is the most difficult, it's also the most effective way to kick the habit. Those who need help or want more information about the effects of tobacco may call the local chapter of the American Cancer Society or 1-800-ACS-2345.
So, Dear Readers, if you're hooked on tobacco and have been saying, "One of these days, I'm going to quit," why not join the Great American Smokeout and quit tomorrow? It won't be easy, but it will be the best Thanksgiving gift you can give yourself and those who love you.
DEAR ABBY: Every year, I throw a Christmas party for 25 or 30 people. What is the polite response when I'm asked by a prior attendee, whom I do not wish to invite, if I am throwing a party again this year?
This happened three times last year, and I don't know how to handle the question. I could never respond with a blunt, "Yes, but you're not invited." Nor would I be comfortable with the lie of "No." So I usually stammer some vague nonanswer about not even having my Christmas cards out yet.
My honest response would be, "I am -- but regrettably, I just can't invite everyone I would like to. Let's plan to get together after the holidays."
I don't want to cause the hurt feelings that being excluded would create, especially when it is someone whose company I enjoy. At the same time, though, I am blessed with a large circle of friends and acquaintances, and can invite only so many people.
How would you or your readers respond to a question like this that probably shouldn't have been asked in the first place? Or am I just being overly sensitive? -- POLITE HOST, SEATTLE
DEAR POLITE: You are not being overly sensitive -- you are simply a host who has trouble saying no. Your honest response is the best way to explain the situation.
DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a letter from a woman who is involved with an HIV-positive man. I tested positive seven years ago and am still as healthy as ever. To others in her situation I would say: Go ahead and live your lives. It would be sad to break off a promising relationship for fear of an illness that may never happen. However, at the same time, be wise and make a plan for what you'll do if he does get sick. This same advice applies to any mature couple.
I'd like to offer a list of suggestions that might be valuable to anyone who tests HIV-positive:
1. Make sure you have good health insurance. Get medical exams several times a year from a doctor who has experience with HIV. This is important so that potential infections can be nipped in the bud.
2. Reduce the stress in your life. Stress can weaken the immune system.
3. Don't waste energy feeling ashamed about HIV. It's just a particle of protein. Let family and friends know, by your example, that you're the same person you always were.
4. Learn as much as you can about HIV treatments. Many people with HIV never develop AIDS, and new medicines are helping people with AIDS live longer and better lives. You are your own best advocate.
5. Expect to experience periods of fear, sadness and anger. Talk about your feelings with someone you trust, and don't be afraid to ask for help. A support group of other people in your situation can be an excellent way to deal with feelings and share information. -- LIVING WELL IN KENNEBUNK, MAINE
DEAR LIVING WELL: I'm sure that many people will benefit from your sensible suggestions. Thank you for a helpful letter.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sexually Active Daughter Is Afraid to Confide in Mom
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for four months and recently lost my virginity to him. I am incredibly in love with him.
I would like to tell my mother about losing my virginity because I want to get on birth control pills, but I'm afraid of how she'll react.
My mom is very understanding and I can usually tell her anything, but I'm afraid that if I tell her this, she'll try to keep me from seeing my boyfriend. She likes him a lot and has always trusted us. Please help me. -- AFRAID SHE'LL END IT IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR AFRAID: Sex is a grown-up responsibility, and since you have taken the step, it is extremely important that you act with maturity. Your mother is your best friend, and although she may be disappointed, she will understand. Now that you are sexually active, it is essential that you practice birth control and learn what you need to know about sexually transmitted diseases that are rampant.
If your mother is as understanding as I think she is, she won't stop you from seeing your boyfriend.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a confined place with a woman whom I love. I am divorced and was very lonely until I started working with her. She treats me better than any other woman I have ever met. We have a special, non-sexual relationship.
She seems to be happily married and I can never hope to be with her other than at work, where we spend many hours together with little to do except talk to each other, entertain each other and -- well -- flirt. I know she enjoys my attentions, but I also know that sooner or later she'll tire of this and crash me hard.
I have been divorced for three years, and I doubt that any other woman would be willing to take on a divorced man who has weekend visitation with his daughters. I am attractive and intelligent, but very lonely, and my co-worker fills a big void. Without her friendship, I'd have little sunshine in my life.
How can I control my feelings and not be in love with another man's wife? How can I keep my job, interact with a beautiful co-worker and keep my heart in check without hurting her or getting hurt? Please answer soon. I can't afford counseling. -- IN LOVE WITH A PRINCESS
P.S. If any women respond to my letter, please give them my telephone number.
DEAR IN LOVE: Love? Face it, you are lonely. Your self-esteem is below ground level, and you are ATTRACTED to her. That's not love -- that's distraction from your misery.
If any women respond to your letter, I will tell them what I'm telling you: Mine is an ADVICE column, not the "Personals" page. The way to find a worthwhile, constructive individual is to go where worthwhile, constructive people go.
DEAR ABBY: On our daughter's 40th birthday, a simple bouquet was delivered to my husband and me with a card that read, "Thank you for having me, for caring for me, and for sharing all that I needed with me."
Abby, this has occurred every year since her seventh birthday when she presented us with a straggly bunch of wildflowers. The idea was her own.
There is nothing more precious than her yearly thank-you. I would love for those reading this to do the same, whatever their age. It's never too late to give this gift of appreciation that makes parents' hearts sing. Gratitude is ageless. -- MARY L., ROCHESTER, N.Y.
DEAR MARY: And thank YOU for reminding all who read this that expressing one's appreciation is in itself a priceless gift.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)