For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sexually Active Daughter Is Afraid to Confide in Mom
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for four months and recently lost my virginity to him. I am incredibly in love with him.
I would like to tell my mother about losing my virginity because I want to get on birth control pills, but I'm afraid of how she'll react.
My mom is very understanding and I can usually tell her anything, but I'm afraid that if I tell her this, she'll try to keep me from seeing my boyfriend. She likes him a lot and has always trusted us. Please help me. -- AFRAID SHE'LL END IT IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR AFRAID: Sex is a grown-up responsibility, and since you have taken the step, it is extremely important that you act with maturity. Your mother is your best friend, and although she may be disappointed, she will understand. Now that you are sexually active, it is essential that you practice birth control and learn what you need to know about sexually transmitted diseases that are rampant.
If your mother is as understanding as I think she is, she won't stop you from seeing your boyfriend.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a confined place with a woman whom I love. I am divorced and was very lonely until I started working with her. She treats me better than any other woman I have ever met. We have a special, non-sexual relationship.
She seems to be happily married and I can never hope to be with her other than at work, where we spend many hours together with little to do except talk to each other, entertain each other and -- well -- flirt. I know she enjoys my attentions, but I also know that sooner or later she'll tire of this and crash me hard.
I have been divorced for three years, and I doubt that any other woman would be willing to take on a divorced man who has weekend visitation with his daughters. I am attractive and intelligent, but very lonely, and my co-worker fills a big void. Without her friendship, I'd have little sunshine in my life.
How can I control my feelings and not be in love with another man's wife? How can I keep my job, interact with a beautiful co-worker and keep my heart in check without hurting her or getting hurt? Please answer soon. I can't afford counseling. -- IN LOVE WITH A PRINCESS
P.S. If any women respond to my letter, please give them my telephone number.
DEAR IN LOVE: Love? Face it, you are lonely. Your self-esteem is below ground level, and you are ATTRACTED to her. That's not love -- that's distraction from your misery.
If any women respond to your letter, I will tell them what I'm telling you: Mine is an ADVICE column, not the "Personals" page. The way to find a worthwhile, constructive individual is to go where worthwhile, constructive people go.
DEAR ABBY: On our daughter's 40th birthday, a simple bouquet was delivered to my husband and me with a card that read, "Thank you for having me, for caring for me, and for sharing all that I needed with me."
Abby, this has occurred every year since her seventh birthday when she presented us with a straggly bunch of wildflowers. The idea was her own.
There is nothing more precious than her yearly thank-you. I would love for those reading this to do the same, whatever their age. It's never too late to give this gift of appreciation that makes parents' hearts sing. Gratitude is ageless. -- MARY L., ROCHESTER, N.Y.
DEAR MARY: And thank YOU for reminding all who read this that expressing one's appreciation is in itself a priceless gift.
FOR YOUR KIDS' SAKE, DADS, PLEASE GET REGULAR CHECKUPS
DEAR ABBY: On Wednesday, April 9, 1997, I sat on the edge of my father's bed and held his hand while he drew his last breath and quietly passed away after a brief, devastating battle with cancer. He was only 65, didn't drink or smoke, worked out on a regular basis, ate only fruits, vegetables, fish, bulgur, oatmeal and whole-grain bread. The doctors said he did everything right.
There were only two things that perhaps could have saved him -- regular physical examinations and prostate exams. My father disliked doctors (his mother died on the operating table when he was 12). However, a persistent backache drove him to the doctor in December of 1996. X-rays revealed spots in his lungs, which were found to be cancerous. His back pain was caused by the cancer eating away at his ribs until they crumbled and broke.
In February, it was discovered that cancer had also invaded his liver. These were all secondary cancers spread by a primary cancer, which was never found. The doctors suspect that the primary cancer started in his prostate. Due to the fact that his was a widespread and rapidly growing cancer, treatment consisted only of controlling the pain. It was too late for any hope of curing him. In fact, the doctors told him to consider each day his last.
My father was loved by everyone who knew him. He had a wickedly funny sense of humor, and was kind, warm and intelligent. He always assumed the best in everyone. His generosity included donating his body to a medical hospital for study. He was my best friend, and I miss him terribly. Now my mother is left alone in what should have been their retirement years. I'm mourning a series of sad "firsts" -- my birthday, then his birthday, then Father's Day without him.
Please, Abby, urge all dads to get regular checkups, including prostate exams. -- SUSAN HARWICK, SAVAGE, MINN.
DEAR SUSAN: There is no way I could do it as eloquently as you have, with your graphic letter. Susan, please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your beloved father. I hope that the details of his untimely death will spur other men to call their physicians and make appointments for annual physicals, which should include a prostate examination for any man over the age of 50. The physical should also include a breast examination -- women are not the only ones who get breast cancer. Insist, if necessary.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who believes himself to be quite intelligent. At every opportunity, he finishes sentences for anyone trying to speak. It seems as though he wants everyone to know that he has it "all figured out" ahead of time. It is annoying to have a great story ruined as he kicks in with the punch line (or a version of it) before the storyteller can finish.
If someone says, "Oh, you've heard it before," he will respond with, "Oh, no," and laugh, covering his face with his hands, feigning embarrassment for his "blunder." (In most instances, I believe he HAS heard the story before.)
Isn't this behavior rude? It is annoying to be constantly interrupted, or to have a good story ruined. How should I handle this? -- UPSTAGED IN OLYMPIA, WASH.
DEAR UPSTAGED: The next time it happens, you would be within your rights to tell him emphatically just how you feel about being interrupted while he finishes the story for you. If more people spoke up, he might shape up and shut up.
THOUGHTS AT NIGHT: "It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think of a serious problem, and decide that I must tell the pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I AM the pope." (Pope John XXIII, quoted in Forbes magazine)
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Please print this letter to my stepdaughter. I would say it to her face, but my husband would pitch a fit if I did.
DEAR STEPDAUGHTER: Please grow up and take responsibility for yourself. You are in your mid-30s, but you expect us to provide you with a car, repair it, and pay your insurance. This is a major burden and a threat to our finances because if you have an accident, we are the ones who will get sued.
You come to our house to do the laundry for your family, and expect us to provide detergent, dryer sheets, water and electricity. You put more wear and tear on our washer and dryer than we do.
You expect "Daddy" to come through when you are low on money, and you always have him pay your rent deposits when you move.
Your father still owes money from before I met him, and we have to get a loan every year just to get by. Don't you realize that he has expenses other than yours? Have you ever considered that financial stress may have contributed to the heart attack he had a few years ago?
It's great for you to stay home with the kids while your husband works (I wish I could), but not if you are a burden on someone else. If your husband doesn't make enough for you to live on, perhaps you should work while your children are in school.
You have put a tremendous strain on our marriage, and it appears that you don't care. I wonder if you even care about your father's health. Well, I care about his health and our marriage, and I know full well that we deserve a life too, so please take responsibility for your own finances and let us enjoy some well-deserved happiness in our life. You are welcome to visit us, but please don't continue being a self-centered sponge. -- STEPMOM IN GEORGIA
DEAR STEPMOM: I doubt your stepdaughter will recognize herself in your letter, and even if she does, she is not likely to cut herself off from Daddy's generosity until he puts his foot down. He may not realize it, but he would be doing her a favor by insisting that she take responsibility for her own life. He won't be around forever to bail her out, so if she learns financial responsibility now rather than when she is forced to face the bill collectors, it will be much easier on her.
Encourage Dad to close his checkbook -- for his daughter's sake as well as your own.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are senior citizens, living on a fixed income. My husband has been sick for several years, so it takes every cent to make ends meet.
Friends of ours who are young and make a good living keep asking to borrow our pickup truck. This is OK with us. However, when they return it, the gas tank is always empty. The least they could do is fill the tank. My husband tells me to be patient, but what has patience got to do with it?
I don't know how much longer I can hold my tongue. What should I do? -- DISGUSTED IN DEMING, N.M.
DEAR DISGUSTED: Don't hold your tongue -- put it to good use. The next time these friends ask to borrow your pickup, tell them only on the condition that they return it with a full tank. You might even go a bit further and suggest that an occasional wash job would be appreciated.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)