Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Friendship Doesn't Come Easy for Woman With Little to Say
DEAR ABBY: My problem is that I am boring. During my 33 years of living, I have had only one or two friends at a time and none of them has been close. I am terrible at starting conversations with strangers, and just as bad at holding up my end of a conversation if I do get engaged in one. In addition, I have a monotone voice and not much energy due to sleeping problems (I am working with a neurologist on this).
I've had many opportunities to make friends, but I can't seem to do it. I never know what to say, and I can tell when I'm talking to people that they are bored. Some turn to other people; most excuse themselves after a few minutes. I have two friends now (one sort of close, one an acquaintance), and although I try to keep in contact, sometimes I don't even want to call because I don't know what to say.
On top of that, I am a very serious woman and find it hard to joke with people and to catch on to their jokes. I even have trouble talking to family members. I am not a "fun" person, but I'd like to be. What can I do to help myself? -- LOOKING FOR FRIENDS
DEAR LOOKING: Just as you are seeing a neurologist to help with your sleeplessness, take some voice lessons to learn how to sound more expressive. The increased energy and improved voice will increase your confidence.
Being a good conversationalist is an art that can be cultivated. As I point out in my booklet, "How to Be Popular," being a good listener will do more for you than being a good talker. People enjoy talking about themselves when given a chance, and they'll end up thinking YOU are a fascinating conversationalist.
Being INTERESTED is more important than being INTERESTING. Look at the world around you. Surely there are some things that capture your attention -- art, animals, cooking, children, sports, medicine -- it doesn't matter what it is, as long as you find it interesting. Your interest, enthusiasm and knowledge about even one topic will make talking about it fun, and others will enjoy listening to you.
There are many books of amusing quotations that might appeal to you more than jokes. Buy several, and you'll find yourself smiling before you are finished. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: My dad carried on a 30-year affair with a married woman I'll call "Lily," until he immigrated to Canada with Mom in 1984. Despite Mom's constant anguish over the affair, she and Dad stayed married for almost 54 years. Mom passed away 19 months ago.
Lily, now widowed, recently moved in with Dad. He is now 79 years old. My siblings and I do not object to his relationship because we want Dad to enjoy the years he has left. However, out of respect for our late mom, we declined his invitation to meet Lily. Dad is disappointed when we tell him that we don't care for Lily's company during our future visits with him.
Abby, Dad's affair left a deep scar on our childhood. Do you think we acted reasonably under the circumstances? -- AT A DISTANCE, ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR AT A DISTANCE: Your feelings are understandable. However, unless you want to create a breach with your father, you will have to release some of your resentment about his old mistress.
DEAR ABBY: My first wife, "Roberta," passed away in 1976. I married "Margaret" in 1983. Roberta is buried in a city that is some distance from where Margaret and I live. Margaret and I plan to visit that city next month.
Would it be appropriate for me to visit the cemetery alone and place flowers on Roberta's grave while we are there? Or should I ask Margaret to visit the grave site with me? -- UNCERTAIN IN GEORGIA
DEAR UNCERTAIN: If you prefer to visit the grave alone, I am sure Margaret will understand. Otherwise, let her know she is welcome, but not obligated to accompany you.
PRACTICING MUSICIANS ROCK NEIGHBORS' PEACE AND QUIET
DEAR ABBY: We are a group of neighbors who have lived in this area for 40 years or more. Some of us work nights and sleep days. This has always been a quiet, well-tended area until recently.
A new family with young adult children moved into our neighborhood. One of them wants to be a drummer and practices constantly. To be honest, he has no talent. On weekends, his friends practice with him. They are just as bad. One of them thinks he's a singer. I've heard mating cats that sounded better. Between this would-be drummer, the truly bad singer and the loud amps, our weekends have become nightmares.
It's not that we don't like modern music. Our son plays the drums with a group, and our nephew plays keyboard and sings with a professional group.
We have asked them to tone it down, or to simply give us a break now and then. You can't believe the rude answers we have received. At one point, I was told that I could always move.
Recently, one of the neighbors was injured at work and suffered a heart attack during surgery. His doctor ordered complete bed rest and no stress. Because of the noise, this is impossible. The parents of the drummer refuse to acknowledge that there is a problem.
Other than committing mayhem, what can we do to restore our peace and quiet? Please advise before someone loses control. -- DESPERATE NEIGHBORS IN L.A.
DEAR DESPERATE: Since the parents of the young musician have refused to meet you halfway, you must consider other options.
Investing in earplugs might bring some relief, and soundproofing your homes could be another option. Also consider sound-absorbing drapes with acoustical linings, double-glazed windows or storm windows, upholstered walls and wood paneling with insulation between the paneling and walls.
Most cities have noise ordinances. Show a copy of the ordinance to your neighbors. (Noise can be measured with a device called a "decibel meter," which is available in some electronics stores or through specialty catalogs.) If the noise violates the noise restrictions in your neighborhood, as a last resort, the courts may be able to provide a solution to your problem.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Megan," asked "Adam," the boy down the street, to a dance. They are both 14 years old. They went and had a good time. Over the next few weeks, Megan and Adam saw each other a couple of times, always in supervised situations.
Adam has two younger sisters, 7 and 2 years old. Megan has been their baby sitter on occasion. After my daughter and Adam had seen each other several times, Adam's mother again asked Megan to baby-sit.
When Megan got to their house, she found that Adam was going to be there all evening, too. Knowing I would not approve of her being alone with Adam, Megan phoned me. I walked down to find out exactly what Adam's plans for the evening were. He said he wasn't going anywhere, but I could trust him. I told him it wasn't a matter of trust, but Megan wasn't allowed to stay with a boy unchaperoned. I decided to stay until Adam's mother got home.
Now everyone is calling me "overprotective." What do you think? -- PROTECTIVE MOM
DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: It would seem that Adam is old enough to baby-sit for his own sisters, since he is the same age as your daughter. However, since Adam's mother preferred to have Megan care for the children, she should have let you know that Adam would be there also. You and Megan would then have had an opportunity to discuss how to handle the situation.
Since you did not have all the information up front, there was no harm in your staying with your daughter until the mother returned.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Financial Education for Kids Is Smart Investment in Future
DEAR ABBY: I am a retired credit executive with more than 40 years of experience dealing with people mired in credit card payments.
In your column on credit card debt, "Free and Clear in Florida" wrote: "... it is not uncommon for people to be caught up in the vicious cycle of paying for things on credit and being able to afford only the minimum monthly payments."
We have a large segment of the population who are economically illiterate consumers and do not understand how to spend intelligently, save wisely, invest, or do simple financial planning.
Yes, the credit card companies and other credit granters are partially to blame for encouraging people to live beyond their means, which creates financial stress for the debtors and their families. However, debtors who are poorly informed about money matters should shoulder some of the responsibility for their own difficulties.
The problem is of serious nationwide concern. An estimated 1.1 million individuals filed for bankruptcy in 1996 (up 27 percent from 1995)! Besides the emotional stress for these people, such losses become part of the cost of doing business and cause consumers to pay higher prices, higher interest rates and fees.
There's now talk about revamping and toughening the nation's bankruptcy code. In my opinion, such revisions are merely Band-Aid solutions. The flaw is not only in the bankruptcy code, but also in our failure to provide programs that give students a head start in understanding consumer economics (along with the rights and responsibilities of using credit). A financial education curriculum could help students develop financial skills and money sense -- knowledge that can help them use their money to the greatest benefit. Such a program would benefit both students and credit granters.
If school funds are not available now to finance a money management program, this would be a project worthy of support from public and corporate funds. -- BEN BERMAN, LOS ANGELES
DEAR MR. BERMAN: That's an excellent idea, and one whose time has come.
A wide-ranging group of federal government, business and civic organizations has banded together to advocate for the inclusion of personal financial education for kindergarten through 12th-grade curriculums. This new resource for educators is the Jump$tart Coalition. Its mission: to improve financial literacy among youth during the next decade.
The Jump$tart Coalition provides a clearinghouse for personal finance training materials. By sponsoring educational materials and lobbying for more financial education, Jump$tart hopes to increase education and awareness in four areas: income, money management, saving and investing, and spending. Its primary method of providing information will be the Internet, where it has launched a Web page at http://www.jumpstartcoalition.org, or call toll-free (888) 400-2233.
DEAR ABBY: I have some suggestions to add to your caveat regarding caution for people who choose to write to prison inmates: Never give an inmate your phone number or your home address. Use a post office box. Do not send gifts (although postage and small stationery for return letters is appropriate). Letters provide inmates with a sense of respect and caring they rarely receive outside or in prison. -- LEARNED THE HARD WAY, MONTGOMERY, ALA.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)