For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Pawn Shop Inventory Helps Police Track Stolen Ring
DEAR ABBY: I recently had an experience that might be of help to others. I have lived in a nursing home for the last 15 years because of multiple sclerosis. Near the end of June, my diamond ring was stolen out of my purse. For two weeks I was hot, then cold about calling the police or pawn shops, telling myself, "What are they going to do about it? A pawn shop won't admit it has stolen merchandise." Finally, I decided what harm can it do?
The man at the second pawn shop I called said, "We have 150 rings come in here a day, and we have a lot of people working here. I wouldn't necessarily see that ring if it did come in. Call the pawn shop squad at the police department. Every day, every pawn shop in the city is required to send this squad a list of everything they've taken in that day."
I called, and 24 hours later the detective called back with the news that he had my ring. No one to whom I have told this story has ever heard of the pawn shop squad, so a friend suggested I tell you about it. I'm assuming other cities have the same setup.
A lot of jewelry is stolen in nursing homes. I'm just realizing much of it could be recovered if people knew enough to call this squad. The aide who was responsible for the theft of my ring used her driver's license as ID. Her signature verified it. She's out on bail now, awaiting disposition of the case. -- HAPPY IN BUFFALO, N.Y.
DEAR HAPPY: In many cities, owners of pawn shops are required to forward their inventory lists to the police, who review them. However, not all police departments have "pawn shop squads" such as the one you describe, nor do they encourage direct communication of this kind.
Victims of theft should immediately report it to the police by filing a formal police report.
DEAR ABBY: Recently a young woman asked you how to mend a broken heart. Part of your advice was to get rid of everything -- photos, mementos, gifts -- that remind her of him. I disagree.
Our lives are a story, and stories are held in pictures and gifts. You should have told her she might put them out of sight, but the truth is our memories come from our hearts.
I am 42 years old and have been "in love" several times. I have been married to my husband for 10 wonderful years, but we both had lives and loves before we met. On the day we married, we both gathered and boxed up our years of memorabilia. We labeled them "Joan's Bones" and "David's Bones."
Our earlier treasures are part of who we were and part of who we have become. It will not help to destroy tangible items when the heart has already been affected in an intangible way. -- JOAN IN OREGON
DEAR JOAN: Doing away with painful reminders can provide a much-needed cleansing and speed the healing process. I see nothing wrong with keeping souvenirs. However, keeping them in plain sight can be very depressing just after a relationship has ended. Therefore, I advise putting them out of sight while the wounds are fresh.
WIFE CAN'T GET HUSBAND OUT FROM UNDER HIS MOM'S THUMB
DEAR ABBY: For 15 years, my marriage and family were fairly normal. Then we moved back to be near my in-laws and help while my father-in-law was ill. Two years ago, he died. And I have now lost my husband (I'll call him Jack) -- to his mother! He has become mama's little boy again.
My mother-in-law is an energetic, bright and creative woman. Even when we lived far away, she tried to run his life, and that of our family. Now that we live nearby, she completely runs and ruins everything. She buys the attention of our children with things that we can't afford and really prefer they not have. She has time to cook elaborate meals, take the kids on trips, etc. She criticizes my cooking, my housekeeping, the way we discipline the children -- everything. And my husband, though he can manage a corporation, has never been able to stand up to his mother.
Almost every night she has something "new" to show one of the children. Every night she has some little chore for Jack to do. On weekends, she has already made plans for herself, my husband and the children. She makes it abundantly clear that I am not welcome to participate. I have suggested counseling for us, or at least talking to our pastor. Since his mother doesn't like our pastor, that got shot down.
If I were to leave Jack, it would be my fault, of course. Abby, what does one do when the "other woman" is a man's mother? -- CHARLOTTE IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR CHARLOTTE: If I were you, the first thing I'd do is start looking for another man -- for your mother-in-law! With all that energy, she needs an outlet other than her son and grandchildren.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old girl and my best friend, Cliff, is 21. We have been best friends for about three years and even tried dating, but it never worked for us. We agreed a long time ago that if we didn't get married, we'd be in each other's weddings.
Well, Cliff is getting married next spring and has asked me to be his "best man." I accepted. He was originally going to have a male friend for his best man, and I was going to serve cake or take care of the guest book. But Cliff decided he wants me to have the honor.
My problem is that my mother doesn't approve. She and my dad were married in 1967 and still believe in the traditional way of doing things. I called several bridal shops and was told that I won't be the first woman to be a "best man." Cliff's fiance, his mother and the rest of the wedding party are all for it.
Cliff adores my parents. He calls them "Mamma" and "Dad." He values their opinion as much as I do, but we both want me to be his best man.
Abby, what do you think? Is it appropriate for a woman to be a groom's best man? -- BEST FRIEND IN KENNESAW, GA.
DEAR BEST FRIEND: It is unusual but not inappropriate for a woman to be a "best man." That honor usually goes to the groom's brother, his closest friend, or even his father if they are very close.
Since you are Cliff's best friend, and there is no objection on the part of the bride or her family, you certainly qualify.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letters in your column about fractured Spanish: Some years ago my wife and I were in the airport in Madrid, Spain. They had a grill with hotdogs on it, and I was hungry!
I asked the cook three times for a hotdog. No response. Then I said, "Caliente woof-woof, por favor."
I got my hotdog, pronto! -- MARVIN RUBENSTEIN, SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Honor Student Can't Make Grade With Protective Mom
DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old college student. I live at home and have always considered myself a well-behaved "child." I'm an honors student, active in the community and school, and have never used drugs or been in trouble of any kind.
The problem is my mom. She's overprotective, and I don't know what to do. We have a very good relationship; I tell her everything about my life and am very honest with her. Yet she insists my curfew be sundown and thinks there is no such thing as having male friends. She says with men, you either love them or you hate them. I only want to go out every once in a while to the movies with friends, or just to have coffee.
I don't have a boyfriend, but she thinks any guy friend I have is a boyfriend. She has expressed to me that her preference would be for me to wait until I'm 25 to have a boyfriend. I have tried talking to her, but it doesn't work. I have tried coming home a little late, and she threatens to never let me go out again.
She has told me that she fears I'll get pregnant or married early and will never accomplish my career goals. I have assured her that won't happen, but she won't budge.
I am tired of trying to reassure her and getting yelled at for coming home at 10 p.m. Please don't suggest moving out, because that is absolutely not an option. Abby, what should I do? I have been a faithful reader of your column for seven years and trust your advice completely. -- CAGED UP IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR CAGED UP: I don't know whether your mother comes from another culture in which women traditionally have no freedom, or her relationships with men were so destructive that her perspective is distorted. By current standards, you should have been dating for several years.
It is unrealistic for your mother to expect you to make mature decisions concerning men and dating at age 25 if you've had no dating experience. Since moving is absolutely not an option, ask a contemporary of your mother's -- a relative, a clergyperson or a friend of hers -- to talk to her and explain what is normal for a 19-year-old girl.
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter in your column about the theft of some items from a grave, it brought back painful memories of a similar incident.
My brother passed away suddenly at the young age of 39. He was a devoted St. Louis Cardinals fan and had all kinds of Cardinal memorabilia. When his body was discovered, he was wearing his cherished Cardinals jacket. It was a gift from his employees -- and he treasured it.
Because of the suddenness of his death, an autopsy had to be performed before his body was released to the mortuary. We were told at the time that his personal possessions would all be returned with the body; however, the jacket was not returned to us.
When we inquired, we were told that no one had seen it since his body was picked up. We telephoned the police, the coroner's office and the funeral home that transported his body. No one had the jacket.
I was amazed that not only do people steal from cemeteries, they also steal from dead people. -- BROKENHEARTED IN MISSOURI
DEAR BROKENHEARTED: It seems bizarre that people would steal from the deceased, but it's nothing new. Grave robbers have existed for thousands of years. Archaeologists frequently find graves stripped of valuables when they are excavating. It's deplorable, but unfortunately, some people have no respect for the dead.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)