What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER-IN-LAW KEEPS PUSHING HER VERSION OF FAMILY LOVE
DEAR ABBY: Help! My husband ("Carl") and I have been married for 18 months. I have a 4-year-old son from a previous marriage and an infant daughter from this marriage.
Before I met Carl, he had a one-night stand that resulted in a child (a little girl I'll call Sally). He and the mother of the child agreed a long time ago that Sally would be legally adopted by the mother's new husband (but Carl hasn't signed the papers yet). Carl made the decision to have nothing to do with his daughter. I totally support him in that decision.
Carl and I have a loving and strong relationship. The problem is my mother-in-law.
At our wedding reception, Carl's mother brought along pictures of Sally and showed them to members of my family. Somehow, the photographs got propped up against our wedding toast glasses next to our wedding cake. My husband confronted his mother. She turned it around and tried to make him feel guilty for ignoring the child. To this day she has never apologized for it.
My mother-in-law showed pictures of Sally to my son and told him she was his sister. She has asked me to visit the child and not tell my husband. She also has called me a "twit" (and worse), and told me that my husband was her son, and he loves her more than he loves me.
Carl and I have asked her not to see Sally, but she insists she doesn't need our permission to see her family.
I am upset and very hurt by her attitude and actions. As a family, what should we do? -- GERI IN TEXAS
DEAR GERI: Your feelings are valid. Your mother-in-law seems determined that all the children Carl has produced should be blended into one big happy family, regardless of his or your feelings.
It would be in everyone's best interests for Carl to sign the adoption papers as soon as possible. It will then be up to the child's mother and adoptive father to decide if they still want your mother-in-law involved in their and their daughter's lives.
If you distanced yourself from this woman, it would be understandable in the light of her behavior.
DEAR ABBY: In reply to the advice you gave to "Feeling Unloved in St. Cloud, Minn.," whose husband wouldn't touch her unless he had a drink first -- I'd like to share the other perspective:
While she likes to tie quitting drinking to her husband's reluctance to show his feelings, she is only partially correct.
One of the greatest fears people have is rejection. Rejection by the one you love is even worse. She should know that -- she feels it! Imagine what it is like for her husband, who awakened several times in the night to find his wife out of the bed -- and in another bedroom. Talk about rejection!
The reason he doesn't come to her bed for sex is he doesn't want MORE rejection. Only when he takes a drink does the fear subside.
If she wants sex, why doesn't she go to his bed? I've never yet seen a man refuse a woman's advances. She should be glad he hasn't moved out. Most men would nowadays.
Someday when she's a widow, she can look back at all the nights she didn't hear and feel him in bed next to her. I know. I'm a "Minnesota Twin" to this guy. -- MINNESOTA TWIN IN BEAVER CREEK
DEAR MINNESOTA TWIN: Thank you for stepping up to the plate to tell this unhappy wife where she's striking out. Several other readers have voiced the same opinion.
Mom's Thankful Her Foresight Prevented Injury in Hindsight
DEAR ABBY: Something happened yesterday that makes me want to stress the importance of bicycle helmets, even on toddlers who ride little ride-on toys. My 2-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son were riding their bikes on our sidewalk when my son accidentally bumped into the back of his sister's bike. The bike slid out from under her and she fell backward, hitting her head on the concrete. Fortunately she was wearing a helmet and was not injured, but I shudder to think what might have happened had she not been wearing one.
I always thought I was a little overprotective making my young children wear helmets when I didn't think they could get seriously injured in a fall from such a small vehicle. But I felt it was a good habit to get into for when they were older.
Now I'm grateful I listened to that "sixth sense" and avoided what could have been a serious head injury. We were lucky we were able to spend the rest of my husband's birthday having fun instead of sitting in the emergency room. I hope this letter will make parents think twice before letting their children, regardless of age, ride without a helmet. -- VIRGINIA BRIGGS, LEVITTOWN, PA.
DEAR VIRGINIA: You are a wise and conscientious mother for realizing that an innocent bike ride can be dangerous for children who aren't wearing bicycle helmets. Helmets can prevent an estimated 85 percent of serious head injuries, and greatly reduce the risk of severe brain injury that can result in death. However, even a minor brain injury can lead to problems with learning and memory.
There are many good helmets on the market today. The easiest way to find one that is well made and reliable is to look for the "SNELL" certification sticker. Helmet models carrying that decal have met rigorous standards in tests performed by the Snell Foundation. Based on three decades of research in the United States and England, a Snell-certified helmet is one of the best.
Bicycle helmets save lives. There's no better reason to insist that your child wears one.
P.S. Helmets are also essential safety gear for other sports such as inline skating, etc.
DEAR ABBY: I've got a big problem. It started when my friend "Raymondo" got a divorce and left for New York with his new wife and his daughter last spring. We kept in touch with them for a while, and Raymondo kept saying he didn't like living up north and he wanted to return.
Finally he left his new wife and returned with his daughter. However, he had no place to live because he has no family here in the United States, and his former wife's family wanted no part of him.
We told Raymondo he could stay with us until he found a job and earned enough money to rent an apartment. A month passed. Two months.
Abby, he is still here with us, using our water and electricity and eating our food. He doesn't pay for anything. How can we tell Raymondo to leave? -- FERNANDO IN FLORIDA
DEAR FERNANDO: Tell him in Spanish. If that doesn't work, tell him in English. But whatever language you use, "talk turkey" by making it clear that he has worn out his welcome and he must be out within two weeks. Then stand by your decision.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MERCHANT'S MARKETING DEMAND IS BLOW TO CUSTOMER'S PRIVACY
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday I went into a store that was having a sale. While I was there, I saw some tables that had decorative items for 50 percent off. I found two things I wanted. The sale amounted to less than $20, so I paid cash for them.
Before the salesman gave me my purchase, he demanded my name, address and telephone number. Abby, this was a cash sale. He held my purchases until I reluctantly gave him my name and address. (I steadfastly refused to give him my telephone number, since it is unlisted.)
This isn't the first time I've had this happen with a cash sale. What in the world are businesses thinking of? If I pay cash for something, why should I be obliged to give them this information? I strongly object to this practice. It is an invasion of privacy.
I would appreciate it if you would publish this letter. Businesses that do this should be aware that they may have lost any future business from this particular customer. If I must give this kind of information when I make a cash purchase, I'll shop someplace else next time. -- DISGUSTED SHOPPER, FORT MYERS, FLA.
DEAR DISGUSTED SHOPPER: Some places of business do this because they want to add your name to their mailing list. However, you are under no obligation to give personal information -- and in the future you should tell the store manager how you feel about it.
DEAR ABBY: I read the excellent letter from the Carrollton, Ga., librarian, encouraging people to ask for help at the public library. May I add another suggestion?
As a children's librarian, I wish more families would bring their kids to the library and explore all the wonderful services we have to offer them. With the current prices of family entertainment, many parents would be pleasantly surprised to discover the free materials and programs that are available at their public library.
Consider the fun of attending a puppet show and taking home books and videos, or bringing the children to an evening story-time and browsing through magazines and tapes after the program.
Mom or Dad can drop by the library after work, and in a few minutes head home with a whole evening's fun for the family.
The public library shouldn't be "the best-kept secret" in your neighborhood. Please come by and ask us what we can do for you. -- MISS JUDI IN DALLAS
DEAR MISS JUDI: Thanks for a valuable suggestion. I'm pleased to give it space in my column. Your love for your profession is reflected in every paragraph of your inspiring letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the librarian who was helpful and enjoyed answering questions -- I only wish she worked in our city library.
I have never seen our librarian get out of her chair. She sighs, rolls her eyes, and gives directions by jerking her thumb over her shoulder. All this is accomplished without uttering a single word. -- STILL SEARCHING IN RICHLAND, WASH.
DEAR STILL SEARCHING: If you're still wandering through the stacks, start searching for this woman's boss and repeat what you have written to me. Your librarian needs motivation, and I hope she receives it before she drives away the people she's paid to serve.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)