For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Dad Stews on the Sidelines When Family Takes the Field
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 40 years and have three grown daughters who live a few miles from us. Last year, my wife had a stroke that left her physically incapacitated and requiring daily care. She is unable to stand, walk or even get out of bed without help. Our daughters come to visit as often as they can and help with her care.
Their visits usually go something like this: Daughter arrives, knocks at the door and comes in. She nods at me, asks how I'm doing, then heads for the bedroom. From then on, however long the visit lasts, it's "yakety-yak, blah-blah-blah" with Mom, the hired caregiver or each other if more than one daughter is here.
My daughters talk to me only if there's a problem involving finances or bills. Otherwise, it's, "Gotta run. Bye, Dad. See you later!"
I realize I'm not the best of company. I've never been good at idle chitchat or mingling with people, and the present circumstances don't help any. But it would be nice to be included in the loop occasionally, even though I'm not exactly bubbling over with joy these days.
In the past, I've tried explaining my feelings to my wife, but all I got was a sarcastic "Oh, you poor dear!" From my daughters I get, "Think positive, Dad, be upbeat." Then off they go to talk to Mom while I sit in the living room alone. I feel left out of my own family. Your opinion, please. -- GOOD OLD DAD
DEAR GOOD OLD DAD: Your daughters' habit of speaking to you only about certain issues and talking to their mother about everything is not uncommon. It probably was established years ago, when the girls were young.
However, it's not too late to make a change. Be honest with your daughters. Let them know you'd like more than the limited converations you have had with them until now. Begin by asking them personal questions. If you "hear" only "yakety-yak, blah-blah-blah," the situation won't improve. If you LISTEN when they answer, you and your children may discover you're finally getting to know each other.
P.S. Instead of isolating yourself when your daughters come to visit their mother, why not join the party?
DEAR ABBY: Not too long ago, a friend of mine lost his eyesight due to complications from diabetes. He is only 29.
Fortunately, I was given the gift of sharing his first outing since he became blind. He was so excited! After almost sitting on a stranger's lap on the bus, he told me how helpful it would be if the public would just do a few things to enable the blind to function without additional problems when they go out.
These are only a few tips on ways we can help people who are sightless:
1. When you see someone who is blind, start talking. This will let him know WHERE you are. (That way, the person won't sit on your lap or trip over your feet.)
2. Ask if there is anything you can do. You might be able to direct them.
3. Let them take your elbow so that you can lead them to a specific area, especially when crossing the street.
4. Converse with them -- you'll find they have much to say.
Many of us are fearful that we will do the wrong thing, so we don't do anything. I know there must be other helpful tips. If your readers can add to this list, it will be very much appreciated. -- ANDREA RYNER, SAN MATEO, CALIF.
DEAR ANDREA: You've written a helpful letter. I hope readers who have contact with a person who is sightless will take your suggestions to heart.
Friendship Doesn't Come Easy for Woman With Little to Say
DEAR ABBY: My problem is that I am boring. During my 33 years of living, I have had only one or two friends at a time and none of them has been close. I am terrible at starting conversations with strangers, and just as bad at holding up my end of a conversation if I do get engaged in one. In addition, I have a monotone voice and not much energy due to sleeping problems (I am working with a neurologist on this).
I've had many opportunities to make friends, but I can't seem to do it. I never know what to say, and I can tell when I'm talking to people that they are bored. Some turn to other people; most excuse themselves after a few minutes. I have two friends now (one sort of close, one an acquaintance), and although I try to keep in contact, sometimes I don't even want to call because I don't know what to say.
On top of that, I am a very serious woman and find it hard to joke with people and to catch on to their jokes. I even have trouble talking to family members. I am not a "fun" person, but I'd like to be. What can I do to help myself? -- LOOKING FOR FRIENDS
DEAR LOOKING: Just as you are seeing a neurologist to help with your sleeplessness, take some voice lessons to learn how to sound more expressive. The increased energy and improved voice will increase your confidence.
Being a good conversationalist is an art that can be cultivated. As I point out in my booklet, "How to Be Popular," being a good listener will do more for you than being a good talker. People enjoy talking about themselves when given a chance, and they'll end up thinking YOU are a fascinating conversationalist.
Being INTERESTED is more important than being INTERESTING. Look at the world around you. Surely there are some things that capture your attention -- art, animals, cooking, children, sports, medicine -- it doesn't matter what it is, as long as you find it interesting. Your interest, enthusiasm and knowledge about even one topic will make talking about it fun, and others will enjoy listening to you.
There are many books of amusing quotations that might appeal to you more than jokes. Buy several, and you'll find yourself smiling before you are finished. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: My dad carried on a 30-year affair with a married woman I'll call "Lily," until he immigrated to Canada with Mom in 1984. Despite Mom's constant anguish over the affair, she and Dad stayed married for almost 54 years. Mom passed away 19 months ago.
Lily, now widowed, recently moved in with Dad. He is now 79 years old. My siblings and I do not object to his relationship because we want Dad to enjoy the years he has left. However, out of respect for our late mom, we declined his invitation to meet Lily. Dad is disappointed when we tell him that we don't care for Lily's company during our future visits with him.
Abby, Dad's affair left a deep scar on our childhood. Do you think we acted reasonably under the circumstances? -- AT A DISTANCE, ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR AT A DISTANCE: Your feelings are understandable. However, unless you want to create a breach with your father, you will have to release some of your resentment about his old mistress.
DEAR ABBY: My first wife, "Roberta," passed away in 1976. I married "Margaret" in 1983. Roberta is buried in a city that is some distance from where Margaret and I live. Margaret and I plan to visit that city next month.
Would it be appropriate for me to visit the cemetery alone and place flowers on Roberta's grave while we are there? Or should I ask Margaret to visit the grave site with me? -- UNCERTAIN IN GEORGIA
DEAR UNCERTAIN: If you prefer to visit the grave alone, I am sure Margaret will understand. Otherwise, let her know she is welcome, but not obligated to accompany you.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
PRACTICING MUSICIANS ROCK NEIGHBORS' PEACE AND QUIET
DEAR ABBY: We are a group of neighbors who have lived in this area for 40 years or more. Some of us work nights and sleep days. This has always been a quiet, well-tended area until recently.
A new family with young adult children moved into our neighborhood. One of them wants to be a drummer and practices constantly. To be honest, he has no talent. On weekends, his friends practice with him. They are just as bad. One of them thinks he's a singer. I've heard mating cats that sounded better. Between this would-be drummer, the truly bad singer and the loud amps, our weekends have become nightmares.
It's not that we don't like modern music. Our son plays the drums with a group, and our nephew plays keyboard and sings with a professional group.
We have asked them to tone it down, or to simply give us a break now and then. You can't believe the rude answers we have received. At one point, I was told that I could always move.
Recently, one of the neighbors was injured at work and suffered a heart attack during surgery. His doctor ordered complete bed rest and no stress. Because of the noise, this is impossible. The parents of the drummer refuse to acknowledge that there is a problem.
Other than committing mayhem, what can we do to restore our peace and quiet? Please advise before someone loses control. -- DESPERATE NEIGHBORS IN L.A.
DEAR DESPERATE: Since the parents of the young musician have refused to meet you halfway, you must consider other options.
Investing in earplugs might bring some relief, and soundproofing your homes could be another option. Also consider sound-absorbing drapes with acoustical linings, double-glazed windows or storm windows, upholstered walls and wood paneling with insulation between the paneling and walls.
Most cities have noise ordinances. Show a copy of the ordinance to your neighbors. (Noise can be measured with a device called a "decibel meter," which is available in some electronics stores or through specialty catalogs.) If the noise violates the noise restrictions in your neighborhood, as a last resort, the courts may be able to provide a solution to your problem.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Megan," asked "Adam," the boy down the street, to a dance. They are both 14 years old. They went and had a good time. Over the next few weeks, Megan and Adam saw each other a couple of times, always in supervised situations.
Adam has two younger sisters, 7 and 2 years old. Megan has been their baby sitter on occasion. After my daughter and Adam had seen each other several times, Adam's mother again asked Megan to baby-sit.
When Megan got to their house, she found that Adam was going to be there all evening, too. Knowing I would not approve of her being alone with Adam, Megan phoned me. I walked down to find out exactly what Adam's plans for the evening were. He said he wasn't going anywhere, but I could trust him. I told him it wasn't a matter of trust, but Megan wasn't allowed to stay with a boy unchaperoned. I decided to stay until Adam's mother got home.
Now everyone is calling me "overprotective." What do you think? -- PROTECTIVE MOM
DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: It would seem that Adam is old enough to baby-sit for his own sisters, since he is the same age as your daughter. However, since Adam's mother preferred to have Megan care for the children, she should have let you know that Adam would be there also. You and Megan would then have had an opportunity to discuss how to handle the situation.
Since you did not have all the information up front, there was no harm in your staying with your daughter until the mother returned.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)