For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I don't recall having seen this problem addressed in your column.
You're visiting the home of a friend you haven't seen in several years. Just before you leave, she invites you to stay for dinner, but she doesn't tell you what she's serving. It would be rude to say, "It depends on what you're having."
A thoughtful host should say, "Mary, we're having liver for dinner tonight; would you care to join us?" Hating liver, Mary could graciously decline by saying, "Oh, thank you, but I have dinner waiting at home. May I have a rain check?"
This way everyone saves face. What do you think? -- GRACIOUS GUEST IN BOSTON
DEAR GRACIOUS GUEST: In the first place, if "just before you leave" the hostess invites you to stay for dinner, it means you stayed too long.
Mary should not lie and ask her friend for a rain check. Her friend may then assume that Mary likes liver and invite her another time for a liver dinner. Instead she should thank the hostess and say she's sorry, but she can't stay for dinner.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to address these comments to "Annoyed in New Mexico." This incident happened here in Atlanta, and it involves the use of the Spanish language.
My uncle and aunt -- both blue-eyed and blond -- were fresh from Panama. She's a public health nurse and he's in charge of mosquito control.
While they were attending a baseball game, two Spanish-speaking fans seated behind them gave a running discourse on everything that was wrong with the United States, Atlanta, the ball players and their acquaintances.
When the game was over, Aunt Erma and Uncle Ray stood up, turned to their criticizers and in fluent Spanish, suggested that if they didn't like the benefits our country had to offer, they should return to their point of origin.
My advice: Be careful whom you speak Spanish in front of. Sign me ... HABLO ESPANOL IN GEORGIA
DEAR HABLO: As one who speaks enough Spanish to make myself understood, may I add my two cents worth? Es verdad!
DEAR ABBY: I have a question about elevator etiquette. Why do people waiting for an elevator charge in before the passengers can exit?
They crowd in as if the elevator was the last one to heaven -- or wherever they expect their destination to be.
I recently tried to exit an elevator in a hospital as three teen-aged girls barged in and almost knocked me over. One remarked that I was at fault for being in her way.
Patience, good people. If you miss this car, there will be another one along in just a minute. -- J.B. ROBERTS, GADSDEN, ALA.
DEAR J.B.: We all have our ups and downs. You're right. Good manners and common sense dictate that one allows the occupants to exit before barging in.
DEAR ABBY: I have always been close to my aunt. She's my father's sister and is in her early 40s. She's perky, gregarious, charming and very pretty. She's single and insists that she is happy that way. I'm not convinced.
In the last two years, she has dated three men -- one was married, one engaged and one was recently divorced. Initially, all three seemed to genuinely care for her, but after a few weeks, they reunited with their former mates.
It would be one thing if Aunty could say, "Good riddance," and get on with her life, but this is not the case.
She visits the workplaces of their former mates, hoping for an opportunity to drop the bomb that the guys are philandering. She also calls and pages these men at work, then makes excuses to us why they never call her back. Abby, she even drives by their homes and businesses repeatedly.
I'm beginning to dread her visits, and the tales of her activities embarrass me. There is no reason for a woman with her looks and personality to get mixed up with attached men, and carry on like this when they no longer want to see her. When family members comment on her behavior, she gets defensive and angry, but nothing changes.
Abby, is there any way to get her out of this vicious cycle? I would like to see her settled and happy with one man instead of wasting her time on men who are not available. -- EMBARRASSED NIECE
DEAR NIECE: Aunty, with all her charm and beauty, may unconsciously not really want a permanent commitment. She needs to find out why she chooses only men who are not available. I recommend counseling for Aunty.
DEAR ABBY: Help! I have just returned from the walk from hell -- one of many. All because my neighbor talks nonstop about herself. She goes on and on about her past: how wonderful she is, how wonderful her son is. (She's certain he will be the mayor of this little town one day.)
She never asks anything about me or members of my family.
Abby, I try my best to be courteous and appear interested, but inside, I am ready to scream. If you have any suggestions short of running in the other direction when I see her, I will be very grateful.
I am signing my real name, but please don't use it because this is a small town, and I don't want to publicly embarrass her. -- BORED TO TEARS
DEAR BORED: Look at it this way. This pathetic woman desperately needs someone to listen to her. She has probably worn out her welcome with her other neighbors. It would be an act of charity to give her an audience, but in order to preserve your own sanity, let her talk for as long as you can tolerate it; then tell her you have things to do, give her a hug and say, "We'll talk again when I have more time."
DEAR ABBY: A relative of mine got a divorce after being married for 20 years. She has not remarried, but her ex-husband did.
He died a few months ago, and now my cousin is going around wearing black and calling herself a widow.
Abby, isn't she still a divorcee? -- CURIOUS IN CHICAGO
DEAR CURIOUS: Yes. Your cousin is a divorcee whose former husband is deceased. A man leaves only one widow -- the woman to whom he was married at the time of his death.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Is Ready to Tune Out Man Who Won't Turn Off TV
DEAR ABBY: I think my problem is unique: My longtime boyfriend is addicted to television.
He has it turned on all the time he's indoors and gets unreasonably angry if I turn it off. The constant distraction and noise drive me up the wall. Fortunately we don't live together.
I have tried to convince him it's irritating, and have even insisted he use earphones in my home, but he complains bitterly about this restriction. The television in his home won't accommodate earphones, and those in hotels and motels are not equipped with earphones either. I've tried earplugs for myself, but after a while they hurt.
The arguments over this have become very heated, and following our last battle, we split up.
Abby, I really love him and don't want to give him up, but if there is no other solution, I may have to do just that. Please don't use my name. -- DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION IN ALBANY, CALIF.
DEAR DRIVEN: This problem is not unique; many people are addicted to television.
Your boyfriend has fought your attempts to turn off the television for a very long time, so don't expect him to change now. It would be a shame to end this relationship because of his television addiction, if he's compatible in every other way. However, if you can no longer tolerate it, perhaps you should say farewell.
DEAR ABBY: As a proud American Indian, I resent the expression "Indian giver," which is what they call a person who gives a gift, then asks that it be returned.
Abby, where did that expression originate? It is clearly an insult to the Indian people. Sign me ... A PROUD SHOSHONE INDIAN IN WISCONSIN
DEAR PROUD SHOSHONE: The Henry Holt Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins gives the following origin for the expression:
"Indian giver. Tradition holds that American Indians took back their gifts when they didn't get equally valuable ones in return. Some Indians were no doubt 'Indian givers'; others, however, got insulted if they received more than they gave. Instances of Indians 'Indian-giving' are hard to come by, and even the Handbook of American Indians (1901), published by the Smithsonian Institution, defines the practice as an 'alleged custom.' Perhaps the expression is explained by the fact that 'Indian' was once widely used as a synonym for bogus or false. Many of the nearly 500 terms prefixed with 'Indian' unfairly impugn the Indian's honesty or intelligence -- even 'honest Injun' was originally meant sarcastically, and 'Indian summer' means a false summer."
DEAR ABBY: My New Year's wish for the many wives who, like me, have added pounds as well as years, is that their husbands be as tactful and loving as mine.
When I bemoaned the fact that at age 45, I weighed 110 pounds and now, at 65, I am 20 pounds heavier, he just hugged me and said, "Honey, you'll always be the ample of my eye." He's a keeper, and I am ... A HAPPY GEORGIA PEACH
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)