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Father Should Be Exception to Sons' Silent Punishment
DEAR ABBY: I am the divorced father of two sons, ages 8 and 11. My ex-wife and I are both remarried and I get to see the boys quite often, as their mother and I maintain a fairly civil relationship. The boys live with their mother and her new husband.
Quite often when I call to speak to one (or both) of my sons, I am told they are being punished for some infraction, so they are not allowed to speak to anyone on the phone during this period.
Abby, I contend that I am not just "anyone" -- I am their father.
I do not call often, and I like to keep up with their activities. And if they are having some problem, I would like to speak with them about it. I might add that I have no problem with disciplining the boys. They are normally well-mannered.
I feel that I am being used as part of their punishment, which is unfair and I resent it. Am I wrong? I will abide by whatever you think. -- A LOVING FATHER
DEAR FATHER: I agree with you. Punishing your sons by refusing to allow them to speak to you on the telephone is not only unfair to you and to them, it also may backfire on your ex-wife. Children of divorced parents need access to both parents without intervention from either one of them. And if they are deprived of it, they often end up resentful of the parent who tries to enforce the separation.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Pet Peeved, Martinez, Calif.," who complained because she has five cats and two dogs destroying her home. She works full time, she's pregnant and worried about her baby's safety.
Abby, she's not the victim; she's part of the problem.
I work full time, have three cats, three dogs, four children and a husband. There's romping and chasing around, but I can thankfully say none of them are destroying the house.
I have found that people with unruly pets generally have unruly children. They didn't come that way, but their parents took the shortcut. Training both children and pets takes time, but the benefits are beyond measure.
Before I married, I took my dog to obedience class. The first thing I was told was that it takes patience to teach a new behavior, consistency in what is expected, and most important -- reward the dog with praise, praise, praise for correct behavior. Either ignore the bad behavior or do a quick correction and then stop nagging.
Dog training also taught me how to raise my children. While a child or pet is learning a new behavior or task, we repeat it many times. We never attempt to make corrections when we are stressed or short-tempered. Most children, pets, husbands and wives hear only what they are doing wrong. In our house, if someone makes a mistake, there is a quick correction followed by praise for what they are doing right. No nagging, no reliving it over and over.
It's important, Abby, to save the pets and children that are running wild, not just dispose of the pets and give up on the children. -- PATIENCE, CONSISTENCY AND PRAISE IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR PATIENCE: Not all of us are born with the skill to be an effective parent, any more than we are put on earth with an inborn ability to train our pets. That is why classes on these subjects, which are available in almost every community, are so important. Books and videotapes are also available. There is no excuse for not learning the fundamentals. Thank you for sharing your insight.
Reading Enriches Needy Kids in Ways That Money Cannot
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "D.W. in Reno, Nev." about giving needy children books for the holidays caught my attention. I would like to tell D.W. about Rolling Readers, California's largest nonprofit children's literacy organization. It was started in 1961 by a father, who -- after noticing the profound effects of reading aloud to his sons -- volunteered to read to kids at a homeless shelter. The experience was very rewarding (as I can attest, because I am a Rolling Reader volunteer), and it took only an hour per week. And after that, he began recruiting others with a love of books, reading and children.
We volunteers go to our assigned schools (or other locations, such as homeless shelters) once a week and read aloud to one or more classes. Three times a year we have a Book Give-Away when each child gets his or her own new book.
We hope that by reading aloud to children, we will help them to learn to read; and that, by giving them books of their own, they will learn to love reading. I always tell my "story children" that education is one of the most important gifts of life, and the key to a good education is reading. Besides, it's fun!
Children love to hear stories, but they are thrilled to have their own books. "I don't have to bring it back, Miss Mary Ann? You mean I can keep it?" I am often asked by children who never before owned a book. It's been four years since my first Book Give-Away, and kids stop me on the playground and tell me they still have the first book I gave them.
Abby, I hope you will let your readers know about Rolling Readers. -- MISS MARY ANN, VOLUNTEER, BRADDOCK DRIVE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, SANTA MONICA, CALIF.
DEAR MISS MARY ANN: I'm pleased to inform my readers about this worthwhile project. Your letter reminds me of the poem:
"Richer than I you will never be,
"For I had a mother who read to me."
Although Rolling Readers is a California project -- it's the largest nonprofit children's literacy organization in the state -- there is no reason why it can't be replicated in every community where there are concerned adults willing to give their time. Rolling Readers represents a most noble form of diversity: They are black, white, yellow and brown; college students and retirees; executives and actors; homemakers and cab drivers; Republicans and Democrats.
For more information about this worthwhile effort, contact: Rolling Readers, P.O. Box 927315, San Diego, Calif. 92192-7315, or call 1-800-390-READ or 619-738-7243. They will help you volunteer, start a volunteer team or start a local chapter.
DEAR ABBY: Recently you printed a letter from a hospital volunteer who asked that mail for patients be addressed with their legal (first, middle and last) names, not nicknames.
Perhaps this hint will also help your readers when they address cards to people who are hospitalized: Instead of your own return address, use the patient's home address.
If the person is discharged before the mail arrives at the hospital (which is often the case), the card will be delivered to his/her home, rather than coming back to you. -- ELSIE PRIBULA, BETHLEHEM, PA.
DEAR ELSIE: Several readers offered this tip, which I think is excellent. I'm pleased to share it.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Dr. King's Words of Wisdom Still Ring With Truth Today
DEAR READERS: Today we celebrate the life of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., a martyr of the civil rights movement and a great American who was shot to death in 1968 at age 39.
His persistence in the face of violent opposition and his eloquent pleas for social justice propelled him to international prominence. In 1964, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Dr. King's principles of nonviolence were based on the teachings of Christianity.
His words of wisdom are even more meaningful today than they were in 1963, when he spoke from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and said (in part):
"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men are created equal.' ... And this will be the day ... when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning, 'My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where our fathers died, land of the Pilgrims' pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring.'
"When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, 'Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last.'"
God bless our great country, the United States of America. And may we Americans, by our conduct, be worthy of God's blessings.
DEAR ABBY: I am an elementary school teacher in a suburban area of a large metropolitan city. I have a good student I'll call Judy who is in training to become a hypochondriac. This little girl misses approximately 25 percent of school days in any given month. She complains of migraines, stomach flu and colds, and has been plagued by numerous injuries. She stays home for minor ailments that I would send my own kids to school with.
Judy has learned to enjoy the attention she receives from her "illnesses" and "injuries" and plays them like an accomplished actress. Her parents seem to be conscientious about her schooling, and her assignments are always completed at home. Her stay-at-home mother dotes excessively on her daughter's complaints and encourages this negative behavior. This could well become a lifelong behavior trait for Judy. Should I continue to overlook the obvious as long as the child's assignments are completed, or should I bring up this subject with Judy's mother? -- TEACHER IN TEXAS
DEAR TEACHER: Is it possible that something is going on at school that is causing Judy's excessive absenteeism -- like teasing, bullying or some other social problem?
The mother should be made aware that her daughter's absences are excessive, if she doesn't already know it. You would be doing Judy and her mother a favor by bringing your concerns forward in a parent-teacher meeting.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.