For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Tolerance for Nudity Depends on Which Gender Is Exposed
DEAR ABBY: "Mrs. R.B. in Santa Clarita, Calif." was bothered that the neighbor woman sunbathes in the nude, because her 11-year-old son can climb trees in her yard to peek, which no doubt he will now that he knows what goes on next door. Also, because the woman and her female friend did not object to his coming over to pick up the ball, she fears he may intentionally hit balls over the fence as an excuse to go over and get an eyeful.
You wrote: "Your neighbor has the right to sunbathe in the nude in the privacy of her fenced back yard. Better to tell your son to refrain from climbing the tree in his yard to get an eyeful."
Both you and she concerned yourselves only about the son getting an eyeful.
Imagine a gender reversal (which is so instructive in these gender-mad times!). Suppose the nude sunbathers had been men, and Mrs. B. had had a 11-year-old daughter. Would you have merely said she should restrict the 11-year-old girl from climbing trees to get an eyeful? Would she have simply expressed worry the daughter would get an eyeful, which a curious 11-year-old of either sex might do? Or would she have called the cops and tried to have the men arrested for exposing themselves to the 11-year-old girl?
Our different responses when the gender is reversed in this story reveal the differences between how we regard female sexuality and female nudity, and how we regard male sexuality and male nudity.
It reveals that we are a long way from treating males and females equally. -- JERRY A. BOGGS, WESTLAND, MICH.
DEAR MR. BOGGS: You make an interesting point. I don't know what Mrs. R.B. would have done -- but had it been my daughter, I would have first chopped down that tree, then warned the unsuspecting men next door that they'd better be on the lookout for newly drilled holes in the fence.
DEAR ABBY: "Ignored Mother" asked for words of wisdom to comfort her for not being acknowledged on Mother's Day. And she's afraid if she reminds them, then future remembrances will be done only out of a sense of duty. Are holidays a test? She needs to stop seeing herself as the hapless victim and take her happiness into her own hands. If she isn't called on Mother's Day, she should call her kids up and tell them, "It's Mother's Day, and I want to thank you for making me a mother."
If you want a birthday present from your husband, put a sign on the refrigerator weeks in advance saying, "Three weeks till the Big Day." He'll be happy and you'll be happy. And there's nothing wrong with mothers prompting their children.
I run a company and meet with new employees on the first day. I tell them that when they work here, they will need to take initiative. Everyone will be glad to help, but we are busy and might not think about stopping in to ask if they need anything.
Sometimes I forget holidays. Sometimes my kids (or my husband) forget. Who cares? I love them and they love me. Holidays are not a test. -- RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS, MADISON, WIS.
DEAR RESPONSIBLE: You are to be applauded for your healthy attitude.
DEAR READERS: Last week, I devoted two days to the wonderful responses I received from readers telling me how they just said "No" to sex. Today I'm devoting my column to more of the responses readers sent regarding this important question:
DEAR ABBY: How should teen-age girls say "no" to sex? My answer: BE HONEST.
After seeing many of my friends regret losing their virginity, I decided I wasn't gong to make the same mistake. When I began dating Scott, I told him I wasn't ready to have sex, and if that's what he was looking for, he should go elsewhere.
Well, he stayed. And now, two years later -- we're engaged to be married! I'm living proof that honesty is the bet policy.. -- BETH PAILTHROPE, MARIETTA, GA.
DEAR ABBY: I thought you might enjoy my daughter Aimee's way of saying "No." It was printed in the December 1994 issue of Reader's Digest.
"While attending a small, conservative college, my daughter worked as a veterinarian's assistant. When she transferred to Texas A&M University in College Station, I began worrying about how she would deal with the raging hormones of the young men on campus.
"No problem, Mom," she said. "I always introduce my date to my cat Ralph. ?Then I mention that I neutered him myself."
Her father's comment about our daughter's method was, "She probably doesn't have many second dates." -- LINDA BARNETT, IRIVING, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: I joined the Air force when I was 19, so I got a lot of practice saying, "No." Most of the guys I dated said the didn't believe the rumors that I didn't put out, and I knew that some of them dated me just to prove to themselves that they could score.
Once the conversation got around to sex, I was pretty straight forward and said I didn't believe in premarital sex. A couple of guys called me a tease, but in the military any girl who doesn't put out is either a "tease" or a "lesbian." That gets the male off the hook for his failure to conquer. My most successful phrase was used when the kissing got out of hand. I would say, "I have Stop signs, not Yield signs." And I followed it with, "When I say an area of my anatomy of Off Limits, I mean don't go there!" It usually got a laugh and eased what could have become a tense situation.
A couple of years ago I ran into one of my old boyfriends, and as we were catching up he asked if I had given in before marriage. He then told me that he'd thought about me often throughout the years, as he compared other's morals to mine. Then he said he really respected me and wished more girls were like that.
I know you'll get thousands of responses, but if you print mine please sign me -- NO REGRETS
DEAR ABBY: My standard reply to a boy who wanted sex was, "Do you want to be a father?" That usually stopped him cold. Then I would say, "I don't want to be a mother, either." And that was usually the end of it.
Once in a while I'd run into someone who carried a condom in his wallet, then I just had to give a firm "NO."
I have passed this strategy on to several girls over the years, and they've always thanked me for the tip. I hope this helps your readers. -- JANIS C. IMINER, PITTSFORD, N.Y.
DEAR READERS: I'll devote my Wednesday, Sept. 18 column to more responses from readers. Stay tuned.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Graduate Nixed Announcement for Fear of Begging for Gifts
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Wondering in Florida" (who sent only a congratulatory letter upon receiving graduation announcements from young relatives she barely knew), I only wish she were my daughter's acquaintance.
Our daughter is sensitive and caring, and she keeps in contact with friends and family. However, months before her high school graduation, she explained why she wouldn't be sending out any announcements. Her reasoning? In her mind, such pronouncements are all too often regarded by the sender and receiver as a request for a gift. Unfortunately, graduation, engagement, wedding and baby announcements tend to carry this unspoken message, although I hope that was not their original intention.
Including a note that no gift is necessary would only draw attention to the subject. Too bad there's no easy way to reverse the trend, but if more recipients did what "Wondering" did, families and friends would begin to see the real meaning behind the announcements sent to them. In our daughter's mind, "Wondering" wouldn't have been. -- NO ANNOUNCEMENT FROM ILLINOIS
DEAR NO ANNOUNCEMENT: Your letter may be a step in reversing the trend. The purpose of an announcement of any kind is to share good news. No gift is required in response. A warm letter of congratulations is the most that is necessary, and the most that should be expected.
DEAR ABBY: I regularly baby-sit some wonderful children, and I really enjoy it. My only problem is with their father. Sometimes he is verbally abusive. He yells at them and calls them names for little things, like spilling a drink when he could have spilled it himself as easily.
I know he hits them when he loses his temper, but I don't know how often. It's very painful to watch.
Is there anything I can do to help? I'm only 14 and I doubt he would listen to anything I said. The mother is afraid to say anything because she knows he has a terrible temper. -- WORRIED BABY SITTER
DEAR WORRIED: A 14-year-old baby sitter would be making a big mistake to confront a parent for verbally abusing his children.
I suggest you tell your own parents about what's happening in that household. Someone must protect those children, and possibly their mother.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem for which I see no solution. Next month I will be going out of state to visit a friend of mine for about a week. This stay is part fun and part personal business. She and her close male friend who will be present most of the time both smoke. I do not smoke. In fact, cigarette smoke makes me rather ill. Since I am visiting her, how can I possibly tell her not to smoke in her own home? What can I do in this situation? -- LUCIE, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR LUCIE: You certainly should not tell her not to smoke in her own home. But do tell her that cigarette smoke makes you "rather ill," so she shouldn't be offended if you take a little fresh air break while she puffs away. And take an air freshener to use occasionally, especially in the room in which you will sleep.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)