To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Graduate Nixed Announcement for Fear of Begging for Gifts
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Wondering in Florida" (who sent only a congratulatory letter upon receiving graduation announcements from young relatives she barely knew), I only wish she were my daughter's acquaintance.
Our daughter is sensitive and caring, and she keeps in contact with friends and family. However, months before her high school graduation, she explained why she wouldn't be sending out any announcements. Her reasoning? In her mind, such pronouncements are all too often regarded by the sender and receiver as a request for a gift. Unfortunately, graduation, engagement, wedding and baby announcements tend to carry this unspoken message, although I hope that was not their original intention.
Including a note that no gift is necessary would only draw attention to the subject. Too bad there's no easy way to reverse the trend, but if more recipients did what "Wondering" did, families and friends would begin to see the real meaning behind the announcements sent to them. In our daughter's mind, "Wondering" wouldn't have been. -- NO ANNOUNCEMENT FROM ILLINOIS
DEAR NO ANNOUNCEMENT: Your letter may be a step in reversing the trend. The purpose of an announcement of any kind is to share good news. No gift is required in response. A warm letter of congratulations is the most that is necessary, and the most that should be expected.
DEAR ABBY: I regularly baby-sit some wonderful children, and I really enjoy it. My only problem is with their father. Sometimes he is verbally abusive. He yells at them and calls them names for little things, like spilling a drink when he could have spilled it himself as easily.
I know he hits them when he loses his temper, but I don't know how often. It's very painful to watch.
Is there anything I can do to help? I'm only 14 and I doubt he would listen to anything I said. The mother is afraid to say anything because she knows he has a terrible temper. -- WORRIED BABY SITTER
DEAR WORRIED: A 14-year-old baby sitter would be making a big mistake to confront a parent for verbally abusing his children.
I suggest you tell your own parents about what's happening in that household. Someone must protect those children, and possibly their mother.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem for which I see no solution. Next month I will be going out of state to visit a friend of mine for about a week. This stay is part fun and part personal business. She and her close male friend who will be present most of the time both smoke. I do not smoke. In fact, cigarette smoke makes me rather ill. Since I am visiting her, how can I possibly tell her not to smoke in her own home? What can I do in this situation? -- LUCIE, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR LUCIE: You certainly should not tell her not to smoke in her own home. But do tell her that cigarette smoke makes you "rather ill," so she shouldn't be offended if you take a little fresh air break while she puffs away. And take an air freshener to use occasionally, especially in the room in which you will sleep.
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the avalanche of mail I received when I asked readers to tell me how they just said "No" to sex. During the rest of this month I'll devote one column a week to other terrific responses.
DEAR ABBY: Parents are their children's most valuable sex educators and should not only provide them with "the facts," but also make sure they are familiar with the most frequently used "lines" they'll hear, so they won't fall for them.
They include: "You would if you loved me." "Everyone's doing it!" "I won't hurt you." "I'll still respect you." "I'll stop when you say so." "No one will ever know."
It's important that young women practice what they'll say before they are faced with the situation, because in the heat of the moment it's often too late. Josh McDowell, the author of "How to Help Your Child Say 'No' to Sexual Pressure," has provided the following pressure lines and possible answers:
Line: "Everyone's doing it."
Reply: Then you won't have a problem finding someone else.
Line: "If you love me, you'll have sex with me."
Reply: If you love ME, you'll respect my feelings and stop.
Line: "Want to get in the back seat?"
Reply: No, I'd rather sit up front with you.
Line: "Sex will only cause our love to grow."
Reply: Into what? Parents?
Line: "You don't know what you're missing."
Reply: That'll make two of us!
Line: "Don't worry, I'll use protection."
Reply: You're going to need protection when Daddy finds out what you're trying!
-- JOYCE LE BRIGHT, MILFORD, DEL.
DEAR ABBY: My response to boyfriends who want sex: "Show me an income, enough responsibility to be a good husband and that you want to be a great father, and I'll have sex." It worked for me.
Girls who are afraid of being rude should remember: Don't be afraid of being rude, because once he finds out that he's going to be the father of your child and will have to support it until it's of legal age, he won't think twice about being rude to you by denying he's the father and trying to ditch you and the baby.
The "reward" for a date should be your company. It shouldn't be sex. -- DEBORAH FROM TACOMA, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter dated a young man she was crazy about for only five weeks when he began pressuring her for sex. Here's what she told him: "OK. It'll cost you about $75."
He asked her why.
"You'll need it for the license, the minister and the motel," she replied.
He said, "I get the point." Three months later he married her. -- PROUD MOTHER IN TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: The concerned counselor who told you the teen-age girls she counsels are getting pregnant after "going out" with a guy needs to update her knowledge of the modern vernacular. The phrase "going out" has replaced "going steady," and carries with it the implication of an intimate, long-term relationship that probably does include sexual intercourse. Those teen pregnancies she's encountering are more than a case of girls being unable to "just say no." -- JERRILYN KAPLAN, ALAMEDA, CALIF.
DEAR JERRILYN: You're right about the vernacular, but not necessarily correct about the teen-age girls.
DEAR READERS: My next column on how to rebuff unwanted sexual advances will appear on Wednesday, Sept. 11. Stay tuned!
DEAR READERS: If you would like your letter considered for publication, please include your name, area code and telephone number.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HONESTY IS BEST POLICY WHEN TEEN-AGERS TRY TO AVOID SEX
DEAR READERS: A few weeks ago, I printed a letter from a counselor in Pasadena, Calif., who was alarmed by the number of teen-agers who get pregnant. At her suggestion, I asked my readers to tell me how they just said "No" to sex. I was unprepared for the flood of letters that poured in from women of all ages (and even some men) eager to share not only their ideas, but also their experiences. I regret that space limitations prevent me from printing all of their letters. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In college in the mid-'70s, I heard what I considered the best response ever. A friend of mine rejected the advances of a classmate by informing him that she had the opportunity to inherit a million dollars -- but only if she remained a virgin until age 25. After college, I used that ploy on more than one occasion (adjusting the age upward as necessary), and it worked for me, too. One young man even offered to help me remain a virgin if I'd cut him in for a percentage.
But the way my daughter handled the situation was even better. She recently attended her second junior high school dance, where she was introduced to a young man from another high school. While dancing and conversing, the boy became "grabby." My daughter mentioned it to me at breakfast the next morning, and I asked how she handled it.
She said, "I told him I wasn't ready for that kind of relationship and furthermore he was making me very uncomfortable, so to please stop it!" He promptly stopped. They continued dancing and talking, and a week later the boy called to invite her to a dance at his school.
This proves she didn't have to be rude or lie; the truth works, and good guys appreciate honesty and nice girls.
Young women shouldn't fear that they'll lose a good man if they refuse inappropriate sexual advances. The guys that "just don't get it" are not the ones a girl could have a meaningful relationship with anyway. -- FEMALE ATTORNEY, MELBOURNE, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: You asked how to say no to sex. For me it was easy. I told them, "If I have sex with you and get pregnant, you'll leave me. But my mother will KILL me." It worked every time, and the bonus was they continued to date me and respect me. -- BEEBIE IN PHOENIX
DEAR ABBY: As a Christian, I don't believe Jesus approves of premarital sex. So when I was dating, I reminded myself that Jesus was sitting there with me -- and I would ask myself if he would approve of what I was doing. Sure, it was hard sometimes. But I figured if he would rise from the dead for me, it was the very least I could do for him. Needless to say, I remained a virgin until I married.
Even if you have already slept with someone, it's never too late to say no -- and after that, don't ever put yourself in a tempting situation again.
The campaign called "True Love Waits" is a great way for young people to make the commitment to either remain a virgin or to become "secondary virgins." A secondary virgin is one who promises to abstain from sex frOm that point on until marriage. Most Baptist churches (as well as other denominations) have information on this campaign. Spread the word, Abby. It's worth the wait. -- GLAD I WAITED IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR ABBY: Diplomacy is nice, but in matters of sex, it's better to be blunt. "No" is all you need to say, and "Because I don't want to" is the only argument you need to give.
On three separate occasions, different men told me I needed to see a psychologist and get some therapy. Apparently they believed that any woman who would pass up sex with them must be emotionally disturbed.
I'm now 29 years old and still a virgin. I haven't had to deal with gonorrhea, genital herpes, chlamydia, pregnancy or AIDS. In spite of the fact that I still haven't seen a therapist, I'm very happy.
As for the three men who were so concerned about my mental health, I never saw any of them again. I can't even remember their names. -- SHARON IN STATE COLLEGE, PA.
DEAR READERS: More on this tomorrow ...
DEAR READERS: If you would like your letter considered for publication, please include your name, area code and telephone number.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)