For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
OPEN-BAR RECEPTION IS CAUSE FOR LITIGATION, NOT CELEBRATION
DEAR ABBY: I usually agree with your advice, but you missed the boat when you sided with the woman who thought it was improper to have a cash bar at a wedding reception.
Serving liquor has become a liability even if you serve it to a guest in your home. If the guest leaves your home and is arrested or has an accident, is the guest blamed? No, the person who provided the alcohol is at fault. A nasty lawsuit can result, not to mention personal injury should an accident occur.
Did the woman feel she was entitled to free liquor because she sent an "appropriate gift" from one of the "best stores"? Attending the wedding, being part of the celebration and attending the reception wasn't enough? Does free liquor make the event more meaningful? I think not.
Unfortunately, people invariably drink more when the drinks are free. Paying for each drink is a reminder of how many drinks they have had. A cash bar at a wedding reception is indeed proper. Guests who must have alcoholic beverages can pay for them and bear the responsibility. -- TIMES HAVE CHANGED, CAPE CORAL, FLA.
DEAR TIMES HAVE CHANGED: Ouch! I was soundly clobbered for having agreed that a cash bar at a wedding reception was improper. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You told a reader that a cash bar at a wedding reception was not proper. You are out of touch -- it IS proper. The key word is LIABILITY. An open bar may lead to overindulgence. Overindulgence may lead to automobile or other accidents. If the bar is free, the liability may be that of the host. If the wedding guests are charged for their drinks, it not only tends to slow them down, but puts the responsibility on the bar/restaurant/establishment.
Please do not use my name. My husband is a retired attorney and he refuses to acknowledge my law degree by osmosis. Sign me ... M. FROM OREGON
DEAR ABBY: In the great state of Minnesota where lawsuits are running rampant, a cash bar is the only way to go.
The hotel or restaurant has the necessary insurance to cover any liabilities. If YOU provide the liquor, YOU are liable for anyone leaving drunk and killing themselves or others.
Have you ever seen what happens when free liquor is provided? People drink three times as much as they would if they had to pay for it.
A good idea is to provide alcohol-free champagne and toast the couple; then let the guests buy their own drinks.
The last wedding reception we went to had a free keg of beer. When the keg was empty, they played "Taps." Tacky? Yes. Funny? Very. -- JEANNE GRATES, PLYMOUTH, MINN.
DEAR ABBY: "Confused in Connecticut" implied that she gave wedding gifts in exchange for unlimited free drinks.
Abby, I could have been the bride at that wedding, so I hope you will air my side of the story.
I wanted my reception to be held at some out-of-the-way place that was absolutely "dry" -- not because of my religious beliefs, but because I was horrified to think what could happen if my family had unlimited free booze. However, my mother insisted on having the reception at her favorite restaurant.
The manager tried to persuade me to have an open bar plus a champagne fountain, but I convinced him that it would not be a good idea by relating a few horror stories about my cousin's wedding. Unfortunately, I couldn't do anything about the main bar upstairs. At least the distance of the main bar from the reception and the expense of paying for their own drinks kept the lid on things.
I suppose I could have eloped, but I took the risk because I really wanted a wedding. My mother had looked forward to planning it, and my future husband and his parents expected one. I just didn't want my reception to involve a lot of police officers and emergency room doctors.
Please don't use my name. Sign me ... WANTED TO RIDE IN A LIMO, NOT A PADDY WAGON
BRUTAL ROBBERY PROVIDES SOBERING LESSON IN SAFETY
DEAR ABBY: I have just been through the worst experience in my life. I am a 22-year-old woman who was robbed in the apartment I share with a friend, who was away for the weekend. I spent 14 hours bound and gagged. I have tape marks and rope burns on my legs and shoulders. Yes, I actually opened my door to a stranger thinking it was the maintenance man from the complex. A couple (man and woman) pushed themselves in and held me at knifepoint. I am petite and was no match for either.
They wanted money, bank and credit cards, which I willingly gave them. They told me they'd have to tie me up. (That actually relieved me since I figured they would have no need to hurt me and, being fairly agile, I could eventually work myself loose.) Well, they proceeded to bind my hands behind me with duct tape, and bind my legs and feet with rope. They taped my mouth and wound the remaining yards of duct tape around my entire body. For good measure, they plopped me face-down on a bed and bound my hands and feet together so I couldn't even stretch out. That's how I spent the next 14 hours. I did not attempt to roll off the bed for fear of breaking a limb, and though I struggled from time to time, I knew it was hopeless.
When my roommate finally returned, I was as tightly bound as ever. She needed scissors and a knife to get me free -- and it still took 20 minutes.
Abby, I am telling you all this partially to get it out of my system and also to warn your readers about opening doors to strangers. I am so embarrassed, I haven't even told my family, but I sure have learned my lesson. Sign me ... HOMEBOUND IN PHILADELPHIA
DEAR HOMEBOUND: Thank you for writing to describe your nightmarish experience in order to warn others. Although you didn't mention doing so, I hope you reported this serious crime to the police, even though you have not informed your family.
You may also need someone with whom you can talk this out. An excellent resource for this would be a victims' rights or victims' support group. They are as close as your local phone directory.
Readers, I hope you have instructed your children never to open the door to strangers. Now vow to use that advice yourselves.
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter I wrote to you about a year ago with some advice to a woman whose husband had suddenly left her. Today I'm responding to the letter from "Devastated in Renton, Wash."
She should dump him! The bum I was once married to told me on our honeymoon that a former girlfriend turned him on more than I did. I should have left him on the spot. (Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?) No one should stay in a marriage that isn't mutually supportive, respectful and loving.
"Devastated" sounds like a nice person, but her husband is hostile toward women, and he will never change without extensive counseling and in-depth soul searching to find out why he is so angry.
Abby, please tell her that the prospects for finding love again aren't all that slim. I got married last year, at the age of 47, to the most wonderful man in the world, and I am not tall and slender like "Devastated." Sign me ... BETTER THAN EVER IN PIEDMONT
DEAR BETTER THAN EVER: Congratulations on having found such a wonderful man. As the old song goes, "Love is wonderful ... the second time around."
Best wishes for continued happiness.
DEAR ABBY: I couldn't help but respond to "Steamed's" dilemma about her friend bringing a salad to Bible study and a hosted lunch.
Her answer lies in the very Bible she is studying: Proverbs 15:17: Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.
It would be a nice gesture for "Steamed" to prepare a lovely salad lunch the next time it's her turn to hostess. -- ROCHELLE IN SACRAMENTO
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Straightforward Declaration Helps Teens Say No to Sex
DEAR READERS: Last Wednesday I devoted my column to the third in a series of responses I received from readers when I asked them to tell me how they successfully say no to sex. Today we'll hear from the teen-agers:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl, and I, too, am being pressured to have sex. The boy has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. I know I should wait, but it's hard to say no. I tell him, "Being a teen-ager is tough enough. I don't want to risk STDs or getting pregnant." Girls shouldn't have sex until they're ready to commit. It makes life too complicated. I'm signing my name, but please don't print it. -- WANTS TO WAIT, PUYALLUP, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: I'm only 13, and I said no before the guy even asked me. I told him, "I'm too young and I'm not planning on having sex until I'm married." With AIDS out there, that's a good plan to me, and I encourage other teen-agers to wait. -- 13-YEAR-OLD IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old virgin. I have been asked several times if I would have sex. I asked each boy, "If I was to get pregnant, how would you deal with it? Would you drop everything to support the baby?"
A lot of girls I know think they'll lose their guy if they say no. I say, if that's how it is, what do they think he'll do when he hears they're pregnant or have a disease? My position is: When I know my baby will be brought up in a loving home with the help of a good father, that's the day I'll take that leap -- and not before. -- CARRIE FROM KNOXVILLE, TENN.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a teen-aged girl getting ready to enter college, and I've had plenty of experience saying no. The most important thing to remember when you say no is to really mean it. Be completely serious, and if you have to, leave the location. You'd be surprised how many guys understand when you say no.
This is probably what your parents and teachers have already told you. It's all true; it really works. But only if you speak plainly. At the risk of sounding like a mother: If a guy doesn't stick around after you say no, he was probably only after sex in the first place. -- SAYING NO IN HAMPTON, VA.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-boyfriend asked me for sex on many occasions, and every time I had the same answer: "No." How did I do it? By sticking up for myself and what I believe in; by knowing I didn't have to if I didn't want to; by realizing I was not prepared for such an intimate relationship; and by asking myself, "Do I really want this?"
Some advice for other teens like me: If you're doing it for him, because he supposedly wants to show his love for you, don't even think about it. Don't sacrifice yourself for his satisfaction. It's not worth it.
Now some advice for parents: Please, talk to your daughters about sex. Tell them they don't need to do it with a guy to prove their love. We need your assurance more than anything. You may use my name. -- DAISY YOKLEY
DEAR ABBY: I'm a rare jewel among today's teen-age girls. I'm a 19-year-old virgin, and plan to remain one until I'm married.
When my boyfriend and I began dating, I told him up front my views on premarital sex. He didn't take me seriously at first and tested me, which led to a big fight. He now understands that I don't believe in sex before marriage and he respects me for it.
My advice: Be honest, open and straightforward about your views in the beginning, so there will be no misunderstanding. And if he can't accept it -- drop him! -- A PROUD VIRGIN
DEAR READERS: Next Wednesday, I'll devote another entire column to this important subject. Stay tuned ...
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)