To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
BRUTAL ROBBERY PROVIDES SOBERING LESSON IN SAFETY
DEAR ABBY: I have just been through the worst experience in my life. I am a 22-year-old woman who was robbed in the apartment I share with a friend, who was away for the weekend. I spent 14 hours bound and gagged. I have tape marks and rope burns on my legs and shoulders. Yes, I actually opened my door to a stranger thinking it was the maintenance man from the complex. A couple (man and woman) pushed themselves in and held me at knifepoint. I am petite and was no match for either.
They wanted money, bank and credit cards, which I willingly gave them. They told me they'd have to tie me up. (That actually relieved me since I figured they would have no need to hurt me and, being fairly agile, I could eventually work myself loose.) Well, they proceeded to bind my hands behind me with duct tape, and bind my legs and feet with rope. They taped my mouth and wound the remaining yards of duct tape around my entire body. For good measure, they plopped me face-down on a bed and bound my hands and feet together so I couldn't even stretch out. That's how I spent the next 14 hours. I did not attempt to roll off the bed for fear of breaking a limb, and though I struggled from time to time, I knew it was hopeless.
When my roommate finally returned, I was as tightly bound as ever. She needed scissors and a knife to get me free -- and it still took 20 minutes.
Abby, I am telling you all this partially to get it out of my system and also to warn your readers about opening doors to strangers. I am so embarrassed, I haven't even told my family, but I sure have learned my lesson. Sign me ... HOMEBOUND IN PHILADELPHIA
DEAR HOMEBOUND: Thank you for writing to describe your nightmarish experience in order to warn others. Although you didn't mention doing so, I hope you reported this serious crime to the police, even though you have not informed your family.
You may also need someone with whom you can talk this out. An excellent resource for this would be a victims' rights or victims' support group. They are as close as your local phone directory.
Readers, I hope you have instructed your children never to open the door to strangers. Now vow to use that advice yourselves.
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter I wrote to you about a year ago with some advice to a woman whose husband had suddenly left her. Today I'm responding to the letter from "Devastated in Renton, Wash."
She should dump him! The bum I was once married to told me on our honeymoon that a former girlfriend turned him on more than I did. I should have left him on the spot. (Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?) No one should stay in a marriage that isn't mutually supportive, respectful and loving.
"Devastated" sounds like a nice person, but her husband is hostile toward women, and he will never change without extensive counseling and in-depth soul searching to find out why he is so angry.
Abby, please tell her that the prospects for finding love again aren't all that slim. I got married last year, at the age of 47, to the most wonderful man in the world, and I am not tall and slender like "Devastated." Sign me ... BETTER THAN EVER IN PIEDMONT
DEAR BETTER THAN EVER: Congratulations on having found such a wonderful man. As the old song goes, "Love is wonderful ... the second time around."
Best wishes for continued happiness.
DEAR ABBY: I couldn't help but respond to "Steamed's" dilemma about her friend bringing a salad to Bible study and a hosted lunch.
Her answer lies in the very Bible she is studying: Proverbs 15:17: Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.
It would be a nice gesture for "Steamed" to prepare a lovely salad lunch the next time it's her turn to hostess. -- ROCHELLE IN SACRAMENTO
Straightforward Declaration Helps Teens Say No to Sex
DEAR READERS: Last Wednesday I devoted my column to the third in a series of responses I received from readers when I asked them to tell me how they successfully say no to sex. Today we'll hear from the teen-agers:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl, and I, too, am being pressured to have sex. The boy has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. I know I should wait, but it's hard to say no. I tell him, "Being a teen-ager is tough enough. I don't want to risk STDs or getting pregnant." Girls shouldn't have sex until they're ready to commit. It makes life too complicated. I'm signing my name, but please don't print it. -- WANTS TO WAIT, PUYALLUP, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: I'm only 13, and I said no before the guy even asked me. I told him, "I'm too young and I'm not planning on having sex until I'm married." With AIDS out there, that's a good plan to me, and I encourage other teen-agers to wait. -- 13-YEAR-OLD IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old virgin. I have been asked several times if I would have sex. I asked each boy, "If I was to get pregnant, how would you deal with it? Would you drop everything to support the baby?"
A lot of girls I know think they'll lose their guy if they say no. I say, if that's how it is, what do they think he'll do when he hears they're pregnant or have a disease? My position is: When I know my baby will be brought up in a loving home with the help of a good father, that's the day I'll take that leap -- and not before. -- CARRIE FROM KNOXVILLE, TENN.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a teen-aged girl getting ready to enter college, and I've had plenty of experience saying no. The most important thing to remember when you say no is to really mean it. Be completely serious, and if you have to, leave the location. You'd be surprised how many guys understand when you say no.
This is probably what your parents and teachers have already told you. It's all true; it really works. But only if you speak plainly. At the risk of sounding like a mother: If a guy doesn't stick around after you say no, he was probably only after sex in the first place. -- SAYING NO IN HAMPTON, VA.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-boyfriend asked me for sex on many occasions, and every time I had the same answer: "No." How did I do it? By sticking up for myself and what I believe in; by knowing I didn't have to if I didn't want to; by realizing I was not prepared for such an intimate relationship; and by asking myself, "Do I really want this?"
Some advice for other teens like me: If you're doing it for him, because he supposedly wants to show his love for you, don't even think about it. Don't sacrifice yourself for his satisfaction. It's not worth it.
Now some advice for parents: Please, talk to your daughters about sex. Tell them they don't need to do it with a guy to prove their love. We need your assurance more than anything. You may use my name. -- DAISY YOKLEY
DEAR ABBY: I'm a rare jewel among today's teen-age girls. I'm a 19-year-old virgin, and plan to remain one until I'm married.
When my boyfriend and I began dating, I told him up front my views on premarital sex. He didn't take me seriously at first and tested me, which led to a big fight. He now understands that I don't believe in sex before marriage and he respects me for it.
My advice: Be honest, open and straightforward about your views in the beginning, so there will be no misunderstanding. And if he can't accept it -- drop him! -- A PROUD VIRGIN
DEAR READERS: Next Wednesday, I'll devote another entire column to this important subject. Stay tuned ...
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a retired police detective. Recently I saw a letter in your column from a woman whose husband insisted on sleeping with their bedroom window open.
Your response to her was to recommend that she wear warmer night clothes and accommodate her spouse by allowing the window to remain open.
The overwhelming majority (and by that I mean in excess of 90 percent!) of home burglaries, robberies, assaults, rapes and murders are the result of insecure premises allowing the criminal(s) entry.
I don't know where that woman lives, but it doesn't matter. An open window is an invitation for a criminal to enter. Open windows, while occupants are sleeping and helpless, are an invitation to disaster.
This woman's husband is incredibly ignorant, selfish or uncaring. No responsible man would expose his loved ones to danger in this manner. If the woman can't depend upon her husband to protect her, and if he doesn't care enough about himself, she should dump him. -- C.M. MARTIN, POLICE LIEUTENANT (RETIRED), BERKELEY, CALIF.
DEAR LT. MARTIN: Thank you for reminding my readers that an open window can be an open invitation to danger.
DEAR ABBY: Ms. Autumn R. Vogel of Dallas wrote you that she was "teed off" and "frightened" enough to return home because while she was jogging, she received some "uninvited, crude attention" from some men.
Ms. Vogel, I have observed many females jogging in my community, and have also noted what their jogging attire consists of. It leaves very little to the imagination, and in my opinion, 99 percent of these females are seeking the attention that these outfits bring. Therefore, as a man, I will look at them. I can only surmise that your jogging attire is skintight as well. If you do not want the attention that comes with these skintight outfits -- don't jog in them.
Ms. Vogel went on to state, "... mothers, please teach your sons that sexual harassment of any kind is wrong." Ms. Vogel, if you truly believe this, why limit the plea to just sons? Are you saying it's acceptable for females to sexually harass men? Remember, many of you "ladies" have demanded total equality. This equality should go both ways! -- ROGER FROM WALNUT CREEK, CALIF.
DEAR ROGER: I'm sure Ms. Vogel would agree that there is nothing wrong with a man's "looking" -- what frightened her were the whistles, catcalls and comments she received from a group of strange men whom she perceived as threatening.
Although many women (and men) sometimes dress to attract attention, vulgar comments are inexcusable under any circumstances.
DEAR ABBY: I am very happily married to a wonderful man whom I trust completely. This is the second marriage for both of us, so we want it to last.
Our problem is not with ex-spouses, but with his ex-girlfriend. Since we have been married, she drops by while I am at work and cries all her troubles to him. He has tried everything from telling her he doesn't want her stopping by to not answering the door, but she still continues to come by.
My question: What can we do to stop this unwelcome company? -- PUZZLED IN TERRE HAUTE, IND.
DEAR PUZZLED: Your husband should continue not answering the door when she drops by, and should be "too busy to talk" when she calls.
If the woman doesn't stop making a pest of herself, the logical next step would be to have your attorney write her a letter informing her that she is guilty of harassment -- the legal term for persistently annoying another person.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)