DEAR ABBY: I'm only 13, and I said no before the guy even asked me. I told him, "I'm too young and I'm not planning on having sex until I'm married." With AIDS out there, that's a good plan to me, and I encourage other teen-agers to wait. -- 13-YEAR-OLD IN MILWAUKEE
Straightforward Declaration Helps Teens Say No to Sex
DEAR READERS: Last Wednesday I devoted my column to the third in a series of responses I received from readers when I asked them to tell me how they successfully say no to sex. Today we'll hear from the teen-agers:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl, and I, too, am being pressured to have sex. The boy has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. I know I should wait, but it's hard to say no. I tell him, "Being a teen-ager is tough enough. I don't want to risk STDs or getting pregnant." Girls shouldn't have sex until they're ready to commit. It makes life too complicated. I'm signing my name, but please don't print it. -- WANTS TO WAIT, PUYALLUP, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old virgin. I have been asked several times if I would have sex. I asked each boy, "If I was to get pregnant, how would you deal with it? Would you drop everything to support the baby?"
A lot of girls I know think they'll lose their guy if they say no. I say, if that's how it is, what do they think he'll do when he hears they're pregnant or have a disease? My position is: When I know my baby will be brought up in a loving home with the help of a good father, that's the day I'll take that leap -- and not before. -- CARRIE FROM KNOXVILLE, TENN.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a teen-aged girl getting ready to enter college, and I've had plenty of experience saying no. The most important thing to remember when you say no is to really mean it. Be completely serious, and if you have to, leave the location. You'd be surprised how many guys understand when you say no.
This is probably what your parents and teachers have already told you. It's all true; it really works. But only if you speak plainly. At the risk of sounding like a mother: If a guy doesn't stick around after you say no, he was probably only after sex in the first place. -- SAYING NO IN HAMPTON, VA.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-boyfriend asked me for sex on many occasions, and every time I had the same answer: "No." How did I do it? By sticking up for myself and what I believe in; by knowing I didn't have to if I didn't want to; by realizing I was not prepared for such an intimate relationship; and by asking myself, "Do I really want this?"
Some advice for other teens like me: If you're doing it for him, because he supposedly wants to show his love for you, don't even think about it. Don't sacrifice yourself for his satisfaction. It's not worth it.
Now some advice for parents: Please, talk to your daughters about sex. Tell them they don't need to do it with a guy to prove their love. We need your assurance more than anything. You may use my name. -- DAISY YOKLEY
DEAR ABBY: I'm a rare jewel among today's teen-age girls. I'm a 19-year-old virgin, and plan to remain one until I'm married.
When my boyfriend and I began dating, I told him up front my views on premarital sex. He didn't take me seriously at first and tested me, which led to a big fight. He now understands that I don't believe in sex before marriage and he respects me for it.
My advice: Be honest, open and straightforward about your views in the beginning, so there will be no misunderstanding. And if he can't accept it -- drop him! -- A PROUD VIRGIN
DEAR READERS: Next Wednesday, I'll devote another entire column to this important subject. Stay tuned ...
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a retired police detective. Recently I saw a letter in your column from a woman whose husband insisted on sleeping with their bedroom window open.
Your response to her was to recommend that she wear warmer night clothes and accommodate her spouse by allowing the window to remain open.
The overwhelming majority (and by that I mean in excess of 90 percent!) of home burglaries, robberies, assaults, rapes and murders are the result of insecure premises allowing the criminal(s) entry.
I don't know where that woman lives, but it doesn't matter. An open window is an invitation for a criminal to enter. Open windows, while occupants are sleeping and helpless, are an invitation to disaster.
This woman's husband is incredibly ignorant, selfish or uncaring. No responsible man would expose his loved ones to danger in this manner. If the woman can't depend upon her husband to protect her, and if he doesn't care enough about himself, she should dump him. -- C.M. MARTIN, POLICE LIEUTENANT (RETIRED), BERKELEY, CALIF.
DEAR LT. MARTIN: Thank you for reminding my readers that an open window can be an open invitation to danger.
DEAR ABBY: Ms. Autumn R. Vogel of Dallas wrote you that she was "teed off" and "frightened" enough to return home because while she was jogging, she received some "uninvited, crude attention" from some men.
Ms. Vogel, I have observed many females jogging in my community, and have also noted what their jogging attire consists of. It leaves very little to the imagination, and in my opinion, 99 percent of these females are seeking the attention that these outfits bring. Therefore, as a man, I will look at them. I can only surmise that your jogging attire is skintight as well. If you do not want the attention that comes with these skintight outfits -- don't jog in them.
Ms. Vogel went on to state, "... mothers, please teach your sons that sexual harassment of any kind is wrong." Ms. Vogel, if you truly believe this, why limit the plea to just sons? Are you saying it's acceptable for females to sexually harass men? Remember, many of you "ladies" have demanded total equality. This equality should go both ways! -- ROGER FROM WALNUT CREEK, CALIF.
DEAR ROGER: I'm sure Ms. Vogel would agree that there is nothing wrong with a man's "looking" -- what frightened her were the whistles, catcalls and comments she received from a group of strange men whom she perceived as threatening.
Although many women (and men) sometimes dress to attract attention, vulgar comments are inexcusable under any circumstances.
DEAR ABBY: I am very happily married to a wonderful man whom I trust completely. This is the second marriage for both of us, so we want it to last.
Our problem is not with ex-spouses, but with his ex-girlfriend. Since we have been married, she drops by while I am at work and cries all her troubles to him. He has tried everything from telling her he doesn't want her stopping by to not answering the door, but she still continues to come by.
My question: What can we do to stop this unwelcome company? -- PUZZLED IN TERRE HAUTE, IND.
DEAR PUZZLED: Your husband should continue not answering the door when she drops by, and should be "too busy to talk" when she calls.
If the woman doesn't stop making a pest of herself, the logical next step would be to have your attorney write her a letter informing her that she is guilty of harassment -- the legal term for persistently annoying another person.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Industry Says Balloon Danger to Animals Is Overinflated
DEAR ABBY: I love animals and I am concerned about our environment. I am also a responsible business person deeply involved in the balloon industry. I have served on industry boards and have testified before my state legislators regarding balloons.
I am surprised you printed the letter from "Friend of the Environment." Several years ago this type of balloon story made the headlines across the nation. It pulled at the heartstrings of animal lovers. The information was totally inaccurate and the retraction stories did not make the big headlines; they were buried.
To date, there has been no case of a death of any mammal, fish, reptile or bird that was directly attributed to the ingestion of a latex balloon fragment. Latex balloons are 100 percent biodegradable. They decompose in the environment at about the same rate as an oak leaf decomposes. They are not "colored bits of shriveled plastic," but a product made from natural tree sap.
Research shows that when latex balloons are released, many will rise about five miles and burst into spaghetti-like pieces that return to Earth dispersed over many miles. We do know that animals eat these soft slivers of rubber, but the evidence indicates the pieces pass harmlessly through the animals' digestive systems.
During the 1994 International Beach Cleanup, sponsored by the Center for Marine Conservation, volunteers scoured 5,200 miles of shoreline and found only 36,047 balloon fragments as compared to 1,283,718 cigarette butts and 122,306 plastic foam cups. Overall, balloons accounted for less than 1 percent of all beach litter.
It is unfortunate that someone as influential as you failed to check the validity of the information that was sent to you. Please set the record straight. -- TERRI ADISHIAN, VICE PRESIDENT, BALLOON WHOLESALERS INTERNATIONAL
DEAR MS. ADISHIAN: Although I received many letters from irate members of the balloon industry, I still have reservations about balloon releases. I spoke with Tom Isley, wildlife manager at the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources, who explained that documenting balloon-caused deaths in the wild is difficult because once dead, the animals are quickly eaten by other animals. He mentioned that there ARE cases of animal deaths due to balloon ingestion. A biology professor at St. Cloud University in St. Cloud, Minn., reported that he had examined a female mallard who had swallowed a deflated balloon. Most of the balloon had passed into its gizzard, but the knot didn't and the duck couldn't eat. After drinking a little water, it died.
Another reader, Lisa Hays of St. Louis, also wrote to express concern about balloon releases. Affixed to her letter was a large fragment of pink balloon -- its red ribbon still attached -- she had taken from a bird she had seen pecking at it. And while I'm on the subject of potential hazards, read on for a hair-raiser:
DEAR ABBY: Bravo for printing the letter about balloons. While a friend of mine was driving on a highway one rainy night, he was horrified to see what appeared to be a human head loom up in his headlights. He slammed on his brakes and skidded to a stop beyond where he had seen the figure but felt no impact. Shakily getting out of his car, he saw a balloon floating a few feet above the roadway.
It's obvious what could have happened had my friend skidded off the road, or been rear-ended by a car behind him. -- CATHERINE A. HURLBUTT, DENVER
DEAR READERS: So there you have it. I have no objections to balloons provided they are not released into the environment. How much safer it would be to keep balloons tethered so that following the event, they could be delivered as gifts to nursing homes, hospitals and hospices.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)