For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
LIVE-IN COMPANION LEFT OUT OF CLASS REUNION WRITE-UP
DEAR ABBY: My live-in companion (call her Beth) is having a 55-year class reunion in about a month. We have lived together for eight years, travel together, attend church together, etc.
The trouble is, when she received her information on the reunion, she answered the questionnaire saying her husband was deceased, she was active in church groups, had friends, traveled all the time (last year to Australia, Hawaii and Mexico) -- not once mentioning that she had a companion.
I pay for all her trips and all of her expenses. I feel left out by her failing to mention me. I don't even want to go to the class reunion. Please give me some advice. -- LEFT OUT
DEAR LEFT OUT: Perhaps your companion felt uncomfortable disclosing on a class reunion questionnaire that she is living with and traveling with someone who is not her husband, so try not to take her omission personally. If she wants you to attend her 55-year reunion with her, stop pouting and go -- and you'll both probably have a wonderful time.
DEAR ABBY: Thank you so much for a wonderful idea! Stan and Dell Slack celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary on July 4. Since all of their relatives lived out of state, we felt that a party would be too hard to pull off. We saw a letter in your column from Kay and Carol about their parents' 50th. Nanny and Poppy Slack went on vacation and we "borrowed" their Christmas card list. We loaded all the addresses onto the computer and printed out labels. We chose attractive computer stationery (the American flag for the July 4 date!) for our letter -- and mailed out 70 of them.
We asked everyone to send Nanny and Poppy a memory or experience that they had shared sometime during the last 50 years. Two days before the big day, Nanny called and asked what we did. We tried to plead the Fifth but failed. The response was phenomenal. They received cards, letters and photographs, and we gave them an album to put them all in.
Nanny and Poppy were thrilled and are still ecstatic over all of the memories. We can't thank you enough for printing such a fantastic hint. -- JERRY, KATHY, CAITLIN AND COURTNEY SLACK, BASKING RIDGE, N.J.
DEAR JERRY, KATHY, CAITLIN AND COURTNEY: I can think of few things as priceless as being showered with happy memories. I'm happy to have been of service.
DEAR ABBY: I have been an avid fan of yours for years, but have been reluctant to add to your voluminous pile of mail until now. Concerning the letter in your column about "calendars that feature scantily clad young women," I do not believe your reply was entirely appropriate.
Most large companies have established rules against such sexual harassment. Lockheed Martin Tactical Aircraft Systems Standard Practices 825-3, which includes the display of calendars that are offensive or sexually suggestive, is an example of such rules. Although there are many public laws and federal regulations against harassment, the most comprehensive is Title 7 of the Civil Rights Act.
I hope you will reconsider your reply and let people know that they do not have to put up with sexual harassment no matter how subtle. -- FREDERICK H. CLEVELAND, FORT WORTH, TEXAS
DEAR FREDERICK H. CLEVELAND: I have reconsidered, thanks to overwhelming outcry from more sensitive readers. Pictures of scantily clad women are inappropriate "art" for display in any office.
DEAR READERS: A reminder from a National Fire Protection Association bulletin:
"Never put butter, ointment or any form of grease on a burn. Grease insulates the skin, keeping the heat in, which makes the injury worse.
"Cool a burn by holding the burned skin under cool running water for 10 to 15 minutes. If the burned area is charred or blistered, the victim requires immediate emergency medical attention."
DEAR READERS: Last week I devoted two days to the wonderful responses I received from readers telling me how they just said "no" to sex. Today I'm devoting my column to more of the responses readers sent regarding this important question:
DEAR ABBY: How should teen-age girls say "no" to sex? My answer: BE HONEST.
After seeing many of my friends regret losing their virginity, I decided I wasn't going to make the same mistake. When I began dating Scott, I told him I wasn't ready to have sex, and if that's what he was looking for, he should go elsewhere.
Well, he stayed. And now, two years later -- we're engaged to be married! I'm living proof that honesty is the best policy. -- BETH PAILTHORPE, MARIETTA, GA.
DEAR ABBY: I thought you might enjoy my daughter Aimee's way of saying "no." It was printed in the December 1994 issue of Reader's Digest.
While attending a small, conservative college, my daughter worked as a veterinarian's assistant. When she transferred to Texas A&M University in College Station, I began worrying about how she would deal with the raging hormones of the young men on campus.
"No problem, Mom," she said. "I always introduce my dates to my cat, Ralph. Then I mention that I neutered him myself."
Her father's comment about our daughter's method was, "She probably doesn't have many second dates." -- LINDA BARNETT, IRVING, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: I joined the Air Force when I was 19, so I got a lot of practice saying "no." Most of the guys I dated said they didn't believe the rumors that I didn't put out, and I knew that some of them dated me just to prove to themselves that they could score.
Once the conversation got around to sex, I was pretty straightforward and said I didn't believe in premarital sex. Sometimes the guys would get angry, but they never pushed me. A couple of guys called me a tease, but in the military any girl who doesn't put out is either a "tease" or a "lesbian." That gets the male ego off the hook for his failure to conquer.
My most successful phrase was used when the kissing got out of hand. I would say, "I have stop signs, not yield signs." And I followed it with, "When I say an area of my anatomy is off limits, I mean don't go there!" It usually got a laugh and eased what could have become a tense situation.
A couple of years ago I ran into one of my old boyfriends, and as we were catching up he asked if I had given in before marriage. He then told me that he'd thought about me often throughout the years, as he compared others' morals to mine. Then he said he really respected me and wished more girls were like that.
I know you'll get thousands of responses, but if you print mine, please sign me ... NO REGRETS
DEAR ABBY: My standard reply to a boy who wanted sex was, "Do you want to be a father?" That usually stopped him cold. Then I would say, "I don't want to be a mother, either." And that was usually the end of it.
Once in a while I'd run into someone who carried a condom in his wallet, then I just had to give a firm "NO."
I have passed on this strategy to several girls over the years, and they've always thanked me for the tip. I hope this helps your readers. -- JANIS C. MINER, PITTSFORD, N.Y.
DEAR READERS: I'll devote my Wednesday, Sept. 18, column to more responses from readers. Stay tuned.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GODPARENT PLAYS MINOR ROLE AND NEVER IS GIVEN THE LEAD
DEAR ABBY: I need to know what is required of godparents. I have two godchildren. My problem is, even though I make myself available at all times (birthdays, school illnesses, any time the parents need a break, etc.), I am not being utilized.
In both cases we stood before God in a church service and made vows to be accessible to the children, and I have been. I have spoken to both sets of parents and made it perfectly clear that I want to be in each child's life, yet whenever the parents need any assistance with their children, they turn to grandma and grandpa. I have gifts of toys and clothing that my godchildren have outgrown by now, so after many calls went unreturned, I've given up trying.
I am concerned that years from now, when the kids are in their late teens, the parents will seek me out for help with money for college and cars. Please help. -- AN M.D. IN D.C.
DEAR M.D.: While in theory a godparent is responsible for the spiritual guidance of a child in accordance with his or her family's religion, in practice the obligation may be no more than that of any close friend of the family.
Contrary to what some might assume, there is no requirement to provide financial assistance. However, a godparent does customarily give a birthday and possibly a Christmas gift until the godchild is grown. You need not worry about future financial obligations to the children, but you should ask the parents what their expectations were when they asked you to assume this solemn and significant role.
DEAR ABBY: Please inform potential employers and the general public that not all ex-convicts are lifelong criminals who should never again be trusted.
I would like to hear from your millions of readers how they would answer my question: By taking away most of my constitutional rights and severely limiting my employment opportunities for the rest of my life, how is that going to protect society or give me an incentive to go straight?
My debt (for armed robbery) was paid 22 years ago. -- ROY S., SPARKS, NEV.
DEAR MR. S.: My experts tell me that convicted felons receive due process under the law, and all their rights are returned to them when their sentences have been served and paroles are complete.
However, two PRIVILEGES are withheld: the privilege of owning a gun and the privilege of voting.
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter about the child who was referred to by the nurse as "the little boy in the wheelchair." That reminded me of the time I was in the hospital for a liver biopsy. Over my head, the nurses kept referring to me as "the liver." They referred to the next patient as "the knee." I heard a nurse say, "We'll do the knee after the liver."
I asked them, out of curiosity, why they refer to people like that, and they explained, "We see so many people in one day it would be confusing to refer to people by their names. It helps keep things straight by naming the part of the body scheduled to be worked on." I looked up at them and said, "It's a good thing I'm not in here for hemorrhoids!" -- D.L. IN DALLAS
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)