For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Lessons in Addiction Are Part of Co Ed's Education
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 21-year-old college student with a lot of ambitions. I don't smoke, drink or use any drugs. My boyfriend, "John," is 18. We've been together for 2 1/2 years and are very happy. We plan to be married someday. He's my best friend.
The problem is that he smokes pot almost daily, and he drinks occasionally, too. I knew he did this when we got together. In fact, I did it too, but I stopped. This really bothers me because he often puts me second to going out to party with his friends.
When I talk to him about it, John thinks I'm overreacting. I also worry about him because his father is an alcoholic, even though John didn't grow up in that environment and swears he won't screw up his life like his father did. I am beginning to wonder how much control he has over his lifestyle.
I'm very much in love with John and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Do you think this is just a phase that he'll grow out of? I don't know what to do. Please help me. -- SAD IN NEW YORK
DEAR SAD: The fact that your boyfriend prefers to party with his friends rather than go out with you speaks volumes. It says that he cares more about his friends and his drugs than he does you, and indicates how immature he is.
Although he does not intend for his drinking to get out of hand, because he is the child of an alcoholic, there is a good chance that it could before he realizes it. And if it does, he will undoubtedly try to rationalize his usage so that he can continue with his addiction.
Some say that marijuana is not addictive. But if it's not, then why do so many people continue using it long after they should have stopped? When it's used daily, pot affects judgment, short-term memory and the ability to concentrate.
Before you make a lifetime commitment to John, I urge you to learn all you can about drug and alcohol addiction. It could save you a world of heartache. Call the CSAP hotline (the Center for Substance Abuse) at 1-800-662-4357 for information about drug and alcohol addiction and/or referral to your local help agency.
DEAR ABBY: My husband was ill for many years, but we maintained a large circle of social and professional friends until his death. We were happily married for 58 years and four months.
Now I find myself addressed as "Mrs. Mae Jones" or "Mae Jones." This happens even when I receive mail from family members. My legal signature has not changed, and I'd still prefer to be known socially and professionally as "Mrs. William C. Jones."
I'm sure that many other widows besides me would appreciate guidance in this delicate area, since so many people make this frustrating mistake. -- WILLIAM'S WIDOW IN MESA, ARIZ.
DEAR W.W.: I have mentioned this in my column before, but here's the answer. Photocopy this item and send it to the offenders with a courteous note:
Only divorced women are addressed as "Mrs." followed by their first names. A widow keeps her husband's name until she remarries.
DEAR ABBY: You were right on the mark when you explained that birth control pills can be used for purposes other than contraception.
I'm a 35-year-old virgin. Before I started on the pill two years ago, I had spent years dealing with disabling menstrual cramps accompanied by flu-like symptoms that interfered with my ability to work. It lasted an entire week of every month.
Thanks to the pill, my productive life is no longer confined to three-week intervals, and the pain is a thing of the past. If only people would stop jumping to conclusions.
Thank you for setting the record straight. -- ON THE PILL BUT NOT PROMISCUOUS
BUNGLED PHOTO TEACHES WOMAN TO FOCUS ON WHAT'S IMPORTANT
DEAR ABBY: My mother's 80th birthday was last September. She asked me to bake her a pound cake. I decorated it like a giant sunflower, and it turned out beautifully. I took several pictures of the cake, then I got busy with the food and got only one bad picture of Mama. (She didn't like having her picture taken anyway.)
Abby, Mama died four months later, and now every time I look at those pictures I realize how unimportant the cake was. I should have made sure to get a good picture of Mama.
I have two pieces of advice: When someone wants to take your picture, don't run away or hide your face. Even if you are having a bad hair day or you've gained 20 pounds, you are still beautiful to the people who love you.
If you're behind the camera, make sure you take pictures of the important subjects. I can make another cake, but I can never take another picture of Mama. -- MISSED MY LAST CHANCE IN ROCKWELL, N.C.
DEAR MISSED: Don't be so hard on yourself. You will never know how many people will benefit from your experience because you took the time to write, admitting your regrets.
DEAR ABBY: My friend "Bonnie" came for a weekend at my cottage. She brought with her two plain wicker baskets and said, "I know you won't mind decorating them for me -- just charge me for the materials." I agreed.
The first basket was quite large and the supplies cost me $32. She reimbursed me three weeks later.
Two weeks ago, I called Bonnie to ask what colors she wanted me to use for the smaller basket. She seemed to be in a bad mood and said, "Don't bother decorating it -- just throw it out." Thinking that would be wasteful, I bought some flowers and ribbon and decorated it to match my kitchen.
Last night Bonnie dropped by for a visit, and when she saw the basket decorated beautifully with flowers, she picked it up and claimed it as hers. I reminded her that she had told me to toss it out because she didn't want it, and she looked at me like I was crazy. She said the basket matched her decor, and she loved it. Then she kissed me good night and walked away with the basket and said, "Send me a bill!"
Abby, this woman brought over some photographs she had taken of my beloved deceased cat. When I said, "Thank you -- what a thoughtful gift," she informed me that she wasn't giving them to me. She returned them to her purse and said, "Oh, I lost the negatives. Sorry."
My husband thinks I should have pulled the flowers off the basket before she took it. My sister said I should send her a bill for the retail value of the flower arrangement. If I followed their advice, Bonnie would never speak to me again. How would you have handled it? -- NONREACTIVE IN JERSEY
DEAR NONREACTIVE: I would have told Bonnie that she couldn't have the basket because I had decorated her throwaway to match MY decor, not hers. And I wouldn't have worried about her not speaking to me again, because from that point on I would have avoided her.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Make Yours Good Neighbors by Showing How It's Done
DEAR ABBY: While riding in the funeral procession to bury my grandmother, my family noticed that a Texan had stopped, turned on his headlights and held his five-gallon hat to his chest. Abby, he was driving a loaded 18-wheeler! God bless him.
Our garbage collector usually pulls into our driveway to turn around. But if I've forgotten to set my garbage out, he will honk to remind me and wait for me to bring it.
Our mail carrier is a sweetheart -- always careful to place our packages where they won't get wet.
These folks go above and beyond to make the lives of others easier. How I wish I could say the same about the next-door neighbors we got when we moved here from out of state last year. They are tough nuts to crack, but I hope they'll eventually warm up to us new folks, as our last neighbors did.
Whatever happened to taking a cake over and introducing yourself to the newcomers? Simple courtesies make a big difference. -- THE NEW NEIGHBORS IN INDUSTRY, PA.
DEAR NEW NEIGHBORS: The custom of "taking a cake" may have begun to die around the time that love beads came in and "kaffee klatches" went out. I found only one reference to "welcoming the neighbors" in any of my etiquette books, and even that one makes no reference to pastry. "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, Entirely Rewritten and Updated" by Nancy Tuckerman and Nancy Dunnan (Doubleday, 1995) states that new neighbors should be welcomed, "... by dropping them a note introducing yourself and offering to help them in any way you can."
Since the Welcome Wagon seems to be running behind schedule in your neighborhood, take a moment to look at your predicament from a different cultural point of view:
DEAR ABBY: I have been an avid fan for many years. A letter in your column a few weeks ago from long-suffering neighbors who had been ignored for 25 years, and your reply, "Nothing separates like silence ..." brings to mind a local custom that is deeply rooted in Japanese social behavior.
Upon moving to a new residence, the newcomer will soon offer his closest neighbors a token friendship gift of food, flowers or fruit. A suitable token gift will always be returned in a few days with a smile and a few kind words.
I have lived in Japan for 22 of my 65 years, have moved many times and have never lived next door to inhospitable neighbors. The key seems to be to knock on their door; do not wait for them to knock on yours. -- WILLIAM H. LEWIS, OKINAWA, JAPAN
DEAR MR. LEWIS (AND NEW NEIGHBORS IN INDUSTRY CITY, PA.): Sound advice, indeed. Sometimes waiting for someone else to make the first move can be the longest wait in the world.
YOUR CHUCKLE FOR THE DAY: The man with the best job in the country is the vice president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the president?" -- WILL ROGERS (1879-1935)
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)