For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Make Yours Good Neighbors by Showing How It's Done
DEAR ABBY: While riding in the funeral procession to bury my grandmother, my family noticed that a Texan had stopped, turned on his headlights and held his five-gallon hat to his chest. Abby, he was driving a loaded 18-wheeler! God bless him.
Our garbage collector usually pulls into our driveway to turn around. But if I've forgotten to set my garbage out, he will honk to remind me and wait for me to bring it.
Our mail carrier is a sweetheart -- always careful to place our packages where they won't get wet.
These folks go above and beyond to make the lives of others easier. How I wish I could say the same about the next-door neighbors we got when we moved here from out of state last year. They are tough nuts to crack, but I hope they'll eventually warm up to us new folks, as our last neighbors did.
Whatever happened to taking a cake over and introducing yourself to the newcomers? Simple courtesies make a big difference. -- THE NEW NEIGHBORS IN INDUSTRY, PA.
DEAR NEW NEIGHBORS: The custom of "taking a cake" may have begun to die around the time that love beads came in and "kaffee klatches" went out. I found only one reference to "welcoming the neighbors" in any of my etiquette books, and even that one makes no reference to pastry. "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, Entirely Rewritten and Updated" by Nancy Tuckerman and Nancy Dunnan (Doubleday, 1995) states that new neighbors should be welcomed, "... by dropping them a note introducing yourself and offering to help them in any way you can."
Since the Welcome Wagon seems to be running behind schedule in your neighborhood, take a moment to look at your predicament from a different cultural point of view:
DEAR ABBY: I have been an avid fan for many years. A letter in your column a few weeks ago from long-suffering neighbors who had been ignored for 25 years, and your reply, "Nothing separates like silence ..." brings to mind a local custom that is deeply rooted in Japanese social behavior.
Upon moving to a new residence, the newcomer will soon offer his closest neighbors a token friendship gift of food, flowers or fruit. A suitable token gift will always be returned in a few days with a smile and a few kind words.
I have lived in Japan for 22 of my 65 years, have moved many times and have never lived next door to inhospitable neighbors. The key seems to be to knock on their door; do not wait for them to knock on yours. -- WILLIAM H. LEWIS, OKINAWA, JAPAN
DEAR MR. LEWIS (AND NEW NEIGHBORS IN INDUSTRY CITY, PA.): Sound advice, indeed. Sometimes waiting for someone else to make the first move can be the longest wait in the world.
YOUR CHUCKLE FOR THE DAY: The man with the best job in the country is the vice president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the president?" -- WILL ROGERS (1879-1935)
Wife in New Marriage Says Three's a Crowd in Bedroom
DEAR ABBY: I recently married "Ed," who is 16 years older than I am. I am 34.
My problem is his 2-year-old son, "Andy," whose mother died in childbirth. This child rules our home! He's been sleeping with his father since birth. I bought a crib for Andy, but Ed refuses to put him in it. He says that since Andy's mother died, the child needs to be close to someone to be assured that he is loved.
I put Andy in his crib and he rolls over and goes right to sleep, but after I go to work, Ed moves him to our bed. (I work the graveyard shift.) When I come home, there is Andy on my side of the bed, sleeping soundly. After he wakes up, I go to bed, but when naptime comes, Ed puts Andy in bed with me where he plays, talks, pulls my hair, etc.
Ed allow this kid to wreck the house. He also allows him to have the say about what he eats, what he wants to do or wear. Andy sits on his dad's lap a lot during his waking hours, and if I come near him, he bites or scratches me. His father doesn't scold him for such behavior.
When Ed is at work and I care for Andy, he is a different child. He picks up his toys, eats what I prepare for him and sleeps in his crib. I have let him know his limitations with me, but he also knows I love him.
Abby, how do I get my husband to see what he is doing to our relationship? We can't even make love without Andy crawling over the bed and laughing until we stop. Then Ed rolls over and cuddles his son while I lie alone. -- TEARFUL IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TEARFUL: Your husband is overdoing the role of good daddy. Andy has already learned how to maneuver himself into the position of "man of the house." If this continues, the problem will become unmanageable. Ed needs counseling to realize that he has an obligation not only to be a good father, but also to be a good husband.
DEAR ABBY: What do you do about a dog who barks and growls at every visitor who comes to the house?
Every time the doorbell rings, my dog growls viciously at the intruder. She's a Lhasa apso, a breed that originated in Tibet as guard dogs. I dislike scolding her for acting on instinct, but even I have to admit that my dog's bark is very threatening.
My parents are tired of my dog's bad manners, and I don't blame them one bit.
What should I do? -- DOESN'T NEED A GUARD DOG
DEAR DOESN'T NEED A GUARD DOG: Call a local veterinarian and find out where obedience training is available.
Your library may have a video on obedience training, but with such a high-strung breed, you will probably need a professional to help you train her.
CONFIDENTIAL TO 'TALKED ABOUT' IN NEW ORLEANS: Keep your character in mint condition and your reputation will take care of itself.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
BABY SISTER STEALS SPOTLIGHT FROM OLDER BROTHER IN SHADOW
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 3-year-old boy and a 2-month-old daughter. Like any proud parent, I love the chance to show off my children and the attention we receive in supermarkets, church, the mall, etc.
People constantly stop to comment on "that adorable baby." They ask her age, who she looks like, how much she weighed at birth ... whatever is on their minds. I'm always happy to talk, but I dread it now because they ignore my son. Through the interviews, his little face is bright and interested, but his sweet face crumples when he realizes that, yet again, no one notices him. It breaks my heart to see him hurt like that.
Please remind your readers that children of all ages have feelings. He's so proud of being the big brother, and he would love to tell anyone about her -- if only they would ask him. Even one question directed to him would make his day. It's hard for a child suddenly to go from being the only child to invisible when a baby is around.
Friends who stopped by with gifts for the baby were no different. They give him a pat on the head and say, "No, this is for your sister." I anticipated that and kept little gifts wrapped for him in case visitors forgot him, but it's not the same. Anything, even a balloon meant especially for him, would have made his day.
Older children don't need anything expensive; they just want to know they are remembered. A little gesture would mean the world and might prevent some deep-rooted sibling resentment. -- OLDEST SIBLING, TOO
DEAR OLDEST SIBLING: Thank you for a wonderful letter. Most people don't mean to be unkind to the older children -- they just forget that big brother or big sister still need a little attention, too. Your letter should jog their memories, but please don't leave it up to strangers or acquaintances to include the older children. Take it upon yourself to include them in your conversations and encourage them to speak up. It will help them to develop social skills.
DEAR ABBY: Many a food server has lost a tip because of the following comments:
1. Do you guys want anything else?
2. Your hair sure is pretty. Where do you have it done?
3. That's a beautiful blouse. Where did you buy it? How much was it?
This has happened to my husband and me in all types of restaurants. When we go out to dine, we do not care to carry on a personal conversation with the person who has been hired to serve us. -- EX-WAITRESS
DEAR EX: This may have happened to you in "all types" of restaurants, but in first-class restaurants, food servers know better than to ask, "Do you guys want anything else?" Comments about the customer's grooming and wearing apparel are also inappropriate.
You could have given your server(s) a tip far more valuable than money if you had spoken up.
DEAR ABBY: I read with great amusement the letter from the "Sasebo Sailor" whose Filipino wife feared he had a "sweetheart in every port."
During my 29 years in the U.S. Coast Guard, my wife asked me that question only once -- to which I responded, "No dear, I don't have a sweetheart in every port; I haven't BEEN to every port."
We are still happily married and looking forward to our 40th wedding anniversary in three years. -- E.E. MORAN, CAPT., USCG (RET.) CHESAPEAKE, VA.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)