Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
BABY SISTER STEALS SPOTLIGHT FROM OLDER BROTHER IN SHADOW
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 3-year-old boy and a 2-month-old daughter. Like any proud parent, I love the chance to show off my children and the attention we receive in supermarkets, church, the mall, etc.
People constantly stop to comment on "that adorable baby." They ask her age, who she looks like, how much she weighed at birth ... whatever is on their minds. I'm always happy to talk, but I dread it now because they ignore my son. Through the interviews, his little face is bright and interested, but his sweet face crumples when he realizes that, yet again, no one notices him. It breaks my heart to see him hurt like that.
Please remind your readers that children of all ages have feelings. He's so proud of being the big brother, and he would love to tell anyone about her -- if only they would ask him. Even one question directed to him would make his day. It's hard for a child suddenly to go from being the only child to invisible when a baby is around.
Friends who stopped by with gifts for the baby were no different. They give him a pat on the head and say, "No, this is for your sister." I anticipated that and kept little gifts wrapped for him in case visitors forgot him, but it's not the same. Anything, even a balloon meant especially for him, would have made his day.
Older children don't need anything expensive; they just want to know they are remembered. A little gesture would mean the world and might prevent some deep-rooted sibling resentment. -- OLDEST SIBLING, TOO
DEAR OLDEST SIBLING: Thank you for a wonderful letter. Most people don't mean to be unkind to the older children -- they just forget that big brother or big sister still need a little attention, too. Your letter should jog their memories, but please don't leave it up to strangers or acquaintances to include the older children. Take it upon yourself to include them in your conversations and encourage them to speak up. It will help them to develop social skills.
DEAR ABBY: Many a food server has lost a tip because of the following comments:
1. Do you guys want anything else?
2. Your hair sure is pretty. Where do you have it done?
3. That's a beautiful blouse. Where did you buy it? How much was it?
This has happened to my husband and me in all types of restaurants. When we go out to dine, we do not care to carry on a personal conversation with the person who has been hired to serve us. -- EX-WAITRESS
DEAR EX: This may have happened to you in "all types" of restaurants, but in first-class restaurants, food servers know better than to ask, "Do you guys want anything else?" Comments about the customer's grooming and wearing apparel are also inappropriate.
You could have given your server(s) a tip far more valuable than money if you had spoken up.
DEAR ABBY: I read with great amusement the letter from the "Sasebo Sailor" whose Filipino wife feared he had a "sweetheart in every port."
During my 29 years in the U.S. Coast Guard, my wife asked me that question only once -- to which I responded, "No dear, I don't have a sweetheart in every port; I haven't BEEN to every port."
We are still happily married and looking forward to our 40th wedding anniversary in three years. -- E.E. MORAN, CAPT., USCG (RET.) CHESAPEAKE, VA.
MARRIAGE MAY FORCE WIDOW TO FORFEIT HUSBAND'S PENSION
DEAR ABBY: My ladyfriend and I would like to get married (we are both 70 years old). However, as a widow she gets a pension from her deceased husband's former employer, which indicates her pension will stop if she remarries.
A friend of mine says that the U.S. Supreme Court ruled some years ago that this type of restriction is no longer valid. Is this correct? -- E.A.H. IN POMPANO BEACH, FLA.
DEAR E.A.H.: I am not permitted to practice law in Florida -- or any other state. However, I checked with my legal experts who informed me that most pension plans are covered by ERISA (the Employee Retirement Income Security Act). The pension administrator for the deceased husband's company can verify for your ladyfriend whether or not her pension is covered by ERISA. If it is, then that provision is not valid.
If the pension is not covered, she should check with a Florida lawyer who is an expert in pension law.
DEAR ABBY: In my opinion, we need a national slogan that reminds us to care about everybody and everything. Of course, the Golden Rule represents this. It should be taught to children in the schools. At the beginning of the first class, its meaning could be explained. At the end of the day, teachers could remind the students, "Don't forget the Golden Rule."
What do you think, Abby? -- NANDOR LAZAR, NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR NANDOR LAZAR: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is an excellent philosophy to live by. The message is simple and powerful. However, children learn by imitation. I feel that principles such as this are most effective when they are taught at home by parents who not only preach the rules but practice them as well.
DEAR ABBY: My problem involves my best girlfriend's brother and mother. Her brother -- I'll call him Ben -- and I have become very close. I love him a lot. The problem is his mom. She hasn't forbidden us to see each other (she probably knows we'd see each other anyway), but she won't let me come over if she's not there.
She never gives us any privacy or any time alone. She's overprotective and babies him a lot. If I say anything, she tells me it's none of my business. I should tell you that I'm 21 and Ben is 16. Is there any way to reassure her that we know what we're doing?
Please print this because I would like to show her your answer. -- KNOWS WHAT I'M DOING
DEAR KNOWS: You are an adult, but the boy is underage, so I implore you to back off. If you refuse to do so, his parents could take legal action against you.
The best way to reassure Ben's mother is to respect the rules of her household.
DEAR ABBY: Circumstances beyond our control prevent us, a single man and single woman, from marrying.
When one of us dies, in the obituary, along with the listing of family survivors, may the term "significant other" be used in listing the surviving partner? Or do you think just "dear friend" would be better? -- LONGTIME READER IN FLORIDA
DEAR LONGTIME READER: "Dear friend" would be my choice.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
PARENTS ARE LONG ON REGRET FOR AIDING SON SHORT ON CASH
DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago, when my husband and I were married, our parents helped us out financially, for which we were grateful. Of course we paid them back as we promised to -- so much each month.
Our children are now grown and have children of their own. Last September our son asked us to co-sign a loan so he could purchase a $2,400 computer system for his wife and children. He promised to pay it back in six months. He also asked to borrow our credit card to pick up some toys he had on layaway for our grandchildren last Christmas. He promised to pay it back in January this year. We also co-signed a three-year lease/purchase contract on a home.
Nine months later, we received a notice from the bank that there had been no payment in two months. Our son explained that he was short of cash and couldn't make the payments, so we found ourselves stuck with them. He now says he doesn't know when he can pay us back. We have also discovered that they are consistently late with the lease payments for their home.
Abby, we never thought this would happen to us -- especially from a family member.
When will our children grow up? And what happened to "Honor thy father and thy mother"? -- TOO TRUSTING IN DELAWARE
DEAR TOO TRUSTING: Sharing your disappointing experience in an effort to warn other overly generous parents is noble and appreciated, but please don't tar all adult children with the same brush.
Most parents who help their married children as you did are repaid (as promised) by responsible children who honor their commitments.
I will repeat what I've said in the past: Before you lend money to a family member, make sure the terms of repayment are set in writing, with an agreed-upon consequence for nonpayment. It should be signed by both parties and notarized.
DEAR ABBY: I have worked in fire safety for almost 30 years. I thought I had seen and heard just about everything, but a series of incidents really caught my attention.
We had a rash of grease fires around here for a while. One started when a pan of grease caught fire on a stove. The owners of the home weren't watching, and one thing led to another. The fire heated up the ventilator hood above the stove, and it grew so hot that the kitchen cabinet above and its contents became engulfed in flames.
Can you guess what was in that cabinet?
If you said "cooking oil," you're exactly right. I can't think of anything more flammable to feed a fire. And of course, the fire rose to the occasion. The results were a sight to behold.
So, Abby, your readers might want to take a moment and review what they have stored in their above-the-hood cabinets in their kitchens. Could it be cooking oil or a few pressurized cans? If the answer is yes, and they happen to have a kitchen fire they could be in real trouble.
Your readers may want to reconsider the contents of that particular cabinet. I certainly did in mine. -- SAFETY OFFICER IN FORT WALTON BEACH, FLA.
DEAR SAFETY OFFICER: Thank you for a valuable letter, and for pointing out that the most convenient place to store flammable items is not always the safest. After reading your letter I suspect that more than a few readers went into their kitchens to do some minor kitchen reorganizing. I did.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)