DEAR READERS: If you would like your letter published, please include your name, area code and telephone number.
Rules for Elderly Parents Help Them to Live With Their Kids
DEAR ABBY: I found the enclosed clipping from your column in a collection of favorite articles compiled by my late sister. I think its message to the elderly bears repeating. -- 80 AND HOLDING IN RIVER FOREST, ILL.
DEAR 80 AND HOLDING: Thank you for sending it to me. I agree, the rules are worth repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my husband's mother came to live with my husband and me 23 years ago, she made our lives so miserable I vowed I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them. One day, I wrote myself a letter containing some rules. I put it in an envelope marked, "To be opened on the day I go to live with one of my children" -- then I put it away.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for eight years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and move in with my daughter. I'm submitting that letter. Perhaps your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to. Here are the rules:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat. Fresh undies and daily baths are a must.
-- Remember, it is their home. Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- Try to make your own friends and develop interests outside the home.
-- If you suspect they would like to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they will be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinion on family matters unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 22 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- 76 AND HOLDING
DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, after 27 years of marriage, I went through a divorce. My husband had become involved with another woman and refused to break it off, so I really had no choice.
I have picked up the pieces of my life and put them back together little by little. I have not dated since my divorce. I needed this time to heal and to work on rebuilding my life. A shattered 27-year marriage is difficult to get over quickly.
There is a very nice man from a neighboring community who lost his wife to cancer about a year ago. We went to the same school and church. I know him and his family; however, I don't know if he is dating anyone. I'm almost sure he doesn't know that I am alone now.
Would it be OK for me to write him a note or give him a call? I know times have changed, but I don't want to appear too pushy. It's been 30 years since I have dated, but now that I'm alone, my thoughts keep drifting back to this man.
What do you think, Abby? -- YOUNG AT HEART
DEAR YOUNG: It would certainly be OK for you either to give him a call or send him a note. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I wish you well. Please keep me posted.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Ignored on Mother's Day Is Loved Throughout the Year
DEAR ABBY: In reference to the letter from "Ignored Mother," who received no cards, gifts or telephone calls on Mother's Day:
I, too, received no such recognition on Mother's Day. I have two sons and two daughters-in-law between the ages of 35 and 40. One son has not recognized Mother's Day since he was in grade school. The other son and his wife occasionally send a card or telephone me -- but not this year. However, it's OK with me.
The older son lives 1,200 miles away, and he has picked up my deductible on Medicare hospitalization. He and his wife, whom I couldn't love more if she were my own child, phone me every week. They frequently send me little gifts and pay for my costly medication.
The other son lives next door to me. I am unable to drive, so he takes me shopping on the one day he has free from work. He comes running when I need things done that I can't do myself. (He even put a new roof on my house a few years ago.)
Who needs Mother's Day? -- MARGARET C. SMITH, NORTH FORT MYERS, FLA.
DEAR MARGARET SMITH: Obviously you don't. However, the royal treatment you receive from your children did not just happen. They learned the joy of giving at their mother's knee.
DEAR ABBY: The way our house and our neighbor's is situated, our bedrooms face each other. Now that the hot weather has arrived and we keep our windows open at night, I can hear them making love. They have sex every night, and sometimes I am awakened at 3 a.m. to the moaning and groaning of their ecstasy.
I am thrilled that they are having such a great sex life -- I wish it were me (I am divorced without anyone special in my life) -- but I don't want my teen-aged daughters who are in the next bedroom hearing them.
I am puzzled as how to handle this. First, I'd be very uncomfortable bringing this up. Second, I think they have a right to make love as often as they choose and keep their windows open to take in fresh air. So how can I stop the noise without stopping them? -- PERPLEXED IN GARLAND, TEXAS
DEAR PERPLEXED: Write a note to the neighbors telling them that you are very happy that they have such a glorious love life, but they should be aware that their most private moments are not as private as they think they are.
DEAR ABBY: Although "Gary" and I have been married almost 55 years, he has never called me by my name. If he is outside, he knocks on the wall, rings the doorbell, or throws something against the house or window. If he's inside, he pounds on something or shouts "Hey!"
He refers to me as "Mom" when he talks to our family about something that concerns me.
My name is not unusual or hard to remember. My friends use it when they speak to me, but Gary refuses to. I have asked him to give me a pet name, but he isn't interested.
Abby, this is a real problem for me. What should I do? -- STEADY READER IN OHIO
DEAR STEADY READER: What did your husband call you 54 years ago? That would have been the time to insist on being called by your name. Tell Gary you will no longer respond to "Hey!" and will ignore him unless he addresses you by name -- then see if you can wait him out. But don't hold your breath; a deeply rooted habit more than half a century old won't be easily broken.
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ADULTS' DISAPPROVAL WILL NOT STOP TEENS FROM HAVING SEX
DEAR ABBY: I am so sick of the argument that dispensing condoms in school encourages sex that I could scream. What are people thinking these days? I understand that parents and adults don't like the thought of fifth-graders (or younger or older, for that matter) having sex, but it's a fact that some do.
Adolescents and teens have sex for various reasons. Some are responsible and use condoms. But often they act irresponsibly and do not. Many are afraid or embarrassed to ask their parents for them.
As parents, adults and educators, we have a responsibility to provide young people with the necessary tools for survival in this world. I fail to see why anyone, especially our young, should be at risk of death because of a mistake in judgment.
Abby, you have been 100 percent correct in the past when you said that if children are at risk of dying, we as informed adults and parents have a moral obligation to educate children about safe sex. And yes, that includes providing condoms to help young people combat the spread of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.
It's no longer enough for parents to tell young adults that abstinence is the best way. The kids know that. But they do not necessarily heed that advice. This means that we must communicate to them in other ways. By dispensing condoms to young people and counseling them about safe sex, we can tell them, "I don't agree with your decision, but as your parent or friend, I don't want you to die because you have chosen to be sexually active."
I hope you will print my letter. -- RESPONSIBLE ADULT IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR RESPONSIBLE ADULT: I'm printing your letter, but I anticipate sharp criticism from those who disagree with you.
May I add that the only 100 percent safe sex is NO sex at all -- and I believe that is the ONLY way to go for adolescents and teen-agers.
DEAR ABBY: Here's one for your "Tasteless and Tacky" files.
A young co-worker was getting married -- a spur-of-the-moment thing. Having such short notice and being on a tight budget, my wife and I decided that a check for $30 would be our wedding gift.
Two weeks after the nuptials, the groom informed me that they had accidentally "washed" our gift when it went into the washing machine with the laundry, and the check was ruined. Then he asked me if I'd mind writing out another check in the same amount.
Without telling you what I did, I'd like to know what you think of his asking me to write another check, and how I should have handled the situation.
By the way, six months later they separated, were not speaking to each other, and the divorce papers were already filed. -- WONDERING IN THE WEST
DEAR WONDERING: This gives "laundering money" a new twist. His asking you to write another check to replace the one that went into the washing machine was not unreasonable. However, I suspect you delayed replacing the check until you were certain the marriage would last.
DEAR ABBY: A recent letter in your column really struck home with me. It was about an 11-year-old boy who hit a baseball into the neighbors' back yard. Thinking no one was home, he climbed the fence to retrieve it and encountered two nude women, sunbathing.
Well, in 1957, I was 11 years old and visiting my cousin's home in Los Angeles. One afternoon we were practicing archery in his back yard, and I accidentally shot an arrow over the target and into the neighbor's fenced back yard.
When I climbed the fence to retrieve the arrow, I encountered a woman sunbathing nude! When she saw me, she shrieked, grabbed a nearby towel and ran inside her house.
Only later did I learn that the neighbor was Marilyn Monroe! Had I only known then what I know now ... SENTIMENTAL IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR SENTIMENTAL: Right. You'd have grabbed a camera and asked for her autograph.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)