To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MARRIAGE MAY FORCE WIDOW TO FORFEIT HUSBAND'S PENSION
DEAR ABBY: My ladyfriend and I would like to get married (we are both 70 years old). However, as a widow she gets a pension from her deceased husband's former employer, which indicates her pension will stop if she remarries.
A friend of mine says that the U.S. Supreme Court ruled some years ago that this type of restriction is no longer valid. Is this correct? -- E.A.H. IN POMPANO BEACH, FLA.
DEAR E.A.H.: I am not permitted to practice law in Florida -- or any other state. However, I checked with my legal experts who informed me that most pension plans are covered by ERISA (the Employee Retirement Income Security Act). The pension administrator for the deceased husband's company can verify for your ladyfriend whether or not her pension is covered by ERISA. If it is, then that provision is not valid.
If the pension is not covered, she should check with a Florida lawyer who is an expert in pension law.
DEAR ABBY: In my opinion, we need a national slogan that reminds us to care about everybody and everything. Of course, the Golden Rule represents this. It should be taught to children in the schools. At the beginning of the first class, its meaning could be explained. At the end of the day, teachers could remind the students, "Don't forget the Golden Rule."
What do you think, Abby? -- NANDOR LAZAR, NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR NANDOR LAZAR: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is an excellent philosophy to live by. The message is simple and powerful. However, children learn by imitation. I feel that principles such as this are most effective when they are taught at home by parents who not only preach the rules but practice them as well.
DEAR ABBY: My problem involves my best girlfriend's brother and mother. Her brother -- I'll call him Ben -- and I have become very close. I love him a lot. The problem is his mom. She hasn't forbidden us to see each other (she probably knows we'd see each other anyway), but she won't let me come over if she's not there.
She never gives us any privacy or any time alone. She's overprotective and babies him a lot. If I say anything, she tells me it's none of my business. I should tell you that I'm 21 and Ben is 16. Is there any way to reassure her that we know what we're doing?
Please print this because I would like to show her your answer. -- KNOWS WHAT I'M DOING
DEAR KNOWS: You are an adult, but the boy is underage, so I implore you to back off. If you refuse to do so, his parents could take legal action against you.
The best way to reassure Ben's mother is to respect the rules of her household.
DEAR ABBY: Circumstances beyond our control prevent us, a single man and single woman, from marrying.
When one of us dies, in the obituary, along with the listing of family survivors, may the term "significant other" be used in listing the surviving partner? Or do you think just "dear friend" would be better? -- LONGTIME READER IN FLORIDA
DEAR LONGTIME READER: "Dear friend" would be my choice.
PARENTS ARE LONG ON REGRET FOR AIDING SON SHORT ON CASH
DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago, when my husband and I were married, our parents helped us out financially, for which we were grateful. Of course we paid them back as we promised to -- so much each month.
Our children are now grown and have children of their own. Last September our son asked us to co-sign a loan so he could purchase a $2,400 computer system for his wife and children. He promised to pay it back in six months. He also asked to borrow our credit card to pick up some toys he had on layaway for our grandchildren last Christmas. He promised to pay it back in January this year. We also co-signed a three-year lease/purchase contract on a home.
Nine months later, we received a notice from the bank that there had been no payment in two months. Our son explained that he was short of cash and couldn't make the payments, so we found ourselves stuck with them. He now says he doesn't know when he can pay us back. We have also discovered that they are consistently late with the lease payments for their home.
Abby, we never thought this would happen to us -- especially from a family member.
When will our children grow up? And what happened to "Honor thy father and thy mother"? -- TOO TRUSTING IN DELAWARE
DEAR TOO TRUSTING: Sharing your disappointing experience in an effort to warn other overly generous parents is noble and appreciated, but please don't tar all adult children with the same brush.
Most parents who help their married children as you did are repaid (as promised) by responsible children who honor their commitments.
I will repeat what I've said in the past: Before you lend money to a family member, make sure the terms of repayment are set in writing, with an agreed-upon consequence for nonpayment. It should be signed by both parties and notarized.
DEAR ABBY: I have worked in fire safety for almost 30 years. I thought I had seen and heard just about everything, but a series of incidents really caught my attention.
We had a rash of grease fires around here for a while. One started when a pan of grease caught fire on a stove. The owners of the home weren't watching, and one thing led to another. The fire heated up the ventilator hood above the stove, and it grew so hot that the kitchen cabinet above and its contents became engulfed in flames.
Can you guess what was in that cabinet?
If you said "cooking oil," you're exactly right. I can't think of anything more flammable to feed a fire. And of course, the fire rose to the occasion. The results were a sight to behold.
So, Abby, your readers might want to take a moment and review what they have stored in their above-the-hood cabinets in their kitchens. Could it be cooking oil or a few pressurized cans? If the answer is yes, and they happen to have a kitchen fire they could be in real trouble.
Your readers may want to reconsider the contents of that particular cabinet. I certainly did in mine. -- SAFETY OFFICER IN FORT WALTON BEACH, FLA.
DEAR SAFETY OFFICER: Thank you for a valuable letter, and for pointing out that the most convenient place to store flammable items is not always the safest. After reading your letter I suspect that more than a few readers went into their kitchens to do some minor kitchen reorganizing. I did.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I recently called my daughter-in-law and asked her to give me my ex-husband's new address. She refused to give it to me, so the next day I called my son "Jeff" at work and asked him for the address. He also refused, and said he doesn't give his dad information about me and he wouldn't give me information about his father. I don't care if Jeff gives such information to anyone -- I am listed in the phone book.
Jeff said he would call his dad and ask if it was OK to give me the address. (His father and I are estranged and avoid all possible contact.) I merely want his address for my records, and I did not request a telephone number.
I know in which city he lives and have been thinking of moving to that city as well, but I certainly would not want to live in the same neighborhood. I may need the address in later years to claim Social Security benefits or something.
I am dismayed at my son's attitude. I can't understand why he is being so pigheaded about an address. Am I wrong for expecting him to give me this information? -- A DISMAYED AND PERPLEXED MOM
DEAR DISMAYED AND PERPLEXED: Yes, you are wrong to expect your son to give you information about his father, especially since you are estranged from your former husband and you both avoid contact. Don't try to wheedle the information from Jeff or his wife. Putting your son and daughter-in-law in the middle will only alienate them from you. Jeff will tell his father you would like his address. But the decision whether or not to give it out rests with your ex.
DEAR ABBY: I just spoke with my younger sister whom I haven't seen in six years. I had planned on visiting her in September. She told me she had heard through the family grapevine that I was planning to bring "John," my live-in boyfriend. Abby, John is not just a boyfriend -- we are getting married before the end of the year.
I am not a child. I have four grown children and a grandson, and I have been divorced for many years.
Well, to make a long story short, my sister informed me that when I visit her I will not be allowed to sleep with John. (It's not like she and her husband are saints. He did drugs and had plenty of women before they were married, and my sister was no angel either.)
I am so burned up over her holier-than-thou attitude that I'm considering canceling my trip. What are your thoughts on this, Abby? It's going to be a family reunion and I would hate to miss it. -- ON THE FENCE
DEAR ON: Your sister and brother-in-law have the right to make the rules in their home. Stop fuming, get off the fence, take John and stay at a motel.
P.S. I hope you and John enjoy the family reunion!
CONFIDENTIAL TO "YOUR NEW READER IN PORTLAND, ORE.": True, charity begins at home, but it shouldn't end there. The way to have nothing to give is to give nothing.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)