For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
ISSUE OF ASSISTED SUICIDE RAISES CONCERNS AMONG THE DISABLED
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to your column regarding physician aid-in-dying. Legalized assisted suicide is seen by many as death with dignity -- an end to suffering for terminally ill people who have rationally thought through their options and have made a very personal choice.
History supports the fact that society does not value equally the lives of people with disabilities and those without. During the formative years of the effort to legalize assisted suicide, members of the disabled community voiced philosophical concerns about the dangers to people with disabilities.
Dr. Kevorkian has clearly demonstrated he isn't concerned with whether or not the conditions of his "patients" are terminal. He was recently acquitted of aiding the suicide of a 30-year-old man who had recently become a quadriplegic. Did anyone make a concerted effort to counsel the man for depression, to look closely at the reasons he thought his life wasn't worth living? Maybe he needed peer counseling to address the fears most people have about being disabled, fears about not having adequate support, resources and opportunities necessary to achieve a quality life.
The disabled community has legitimate concerns. While recent court decisions have upheld assisted suicide only for competent, terminally ill adults, Judge Stephen Reinhardt, when he wrote for the majority in the decision of the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, also said that death is more humane than continuing to live in "a childlike state of helplessness."
Needing assistance using the toilet, eating and bathing do not connote helplessness, nor preclude having a quality life unless you don't have access to the help you need. Needing help is a far cry from being terminally ill. When an able-bodied person attempts suicide, his or her choice is considered irrational. When a disabled person attempts suicide, the act is more readily judged "sane." After all, if you're not physically functional, how could life be worth living?
The dangers of assisted suicide to the disabled community are enormous as long as doctors, judges and juries continue to cast doubt on the worth of people with disabilities. -- MARY ANN JONES, ACTING EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, WESTSIDE CENTER FOR INDEPENDENT LIVING INC.
DEAR MS. JONES: I have the utmost respect for WCIL and the work it does in helping people with disabilities live independently, and I realize the importance of informing my readers about the concerns of the disabled regarding assisted suicide.
I have always believed that the disabled should be treated with compassion and respect, and helped to live in the mainstream of society.
We should at the same time, however, heed the cry of the terminally ill who are of sound mind and who request aid in dying. The Hemlock Society, which I mentioned in a recent column on this subject, is concerned about the patient who is depressed. For that reason, it proposes that not only must the terminal medical condition be clearly established, but also that patients receive counseling from a mental health professional before any decision is made about aid in dying.
Concern for the terminally ill in no way diminishes our responsibility to people who are disabled.
Elderly Mom Who's Falling Won't Hear of Seeking Help
DEAR ABBY: I'm facing a real dilemma with my aging mother. She's approaching 80 and is very set in her ways. She gets angry when anyone suggests she see a doctor, and yet it's obvious she's suffering a hearing loss. And lately she's been falling down a lot -- exiting a department store, getting out of a chair to answer the phone. A couple of weeks ago, in my presence, she fell face first into the mud while retrieving one of her cats that had leapt from her arms.
When I suggest she get checked by a doctor to find out why she's frequently falling down, she says, "There's nothing wrong with me. I just lost my balance."
There's got to be more to it than that, but she's stubborn and not easily convinced to pay attention to my opinions or anyone else's. I love her dearly and worry all the time about her seriously injuring herself in one of her falls.
Any suggestions how I can get her to see a doctor about this problem? -- LOSING SLEEP IN GLENDALE, CALIF.
DEAR LOSING SLEEP: Does your mother have a personal physician? If so, call him or her and repeat what you have described to me. Then schedule your mother for a thorough physical examination and referral to an ear specialist. Ask your mother's physician to call her and suggest it's time for a checkup. You should take her there to be sure she goes.
It's possible that her hearing loss and loss of balance are part of the same problem. Putting off diagnosis and treatment enables your mother to avoid facing the fact that there's a physical problem. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step in resolving it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old male who is going through a somewhat nasty divorce and child custody battle. We were married for seven years and have a 5-year-old child. It was probably a mistake to get married, and the child only compounded our marital problems. There was never any real companionship in our marriage, and frankly, I am starved for female companionship, emotionally and physically.
Do you think there should be a "cooling off" period before I start dating again? I didn't date much before I married and am probably very rusty at it.
Second question: I wear a very high-quality hairpiece. At what time in our relationship should I tell the other person about it? Sign me ... RUSTY
DEAR RUSTY: Since you are "starved" for female companionship, I think it would be wise if you "cooled off" before dating again.
About your hairpiece: The proper time to tell "the other person" about it would be when she starts running her fingers through your hair -- or when you are about to share the same pillow.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: When someone starts out saying, "It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing" -- it's usually the money.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
KIDS NEED HONEST ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS ABOUT DEATH
DEAR ABBY: After a recent family gathering, several of us decided to visit the grave of a recently departed loved one. As we gathered our coats, a 3-year-old in the group asked where we were going. She was told, "To visit Aunt Lola."
"Where?" she asked. The answer was, "Heaven."
When we arrived at the cemetery, a relative pointed to the grave and told the child, "This is heaven, and this is where Aunt Lola lives." The child became noticeably upset and could not understand why her favorite aunt was living underground. Then she was told to blow kisses to the grave and became nearly hysterical.
When I later saw the child's mother, I asked if she knew what the other relatives had told her daughter about having gone to "heaven" to visit Aunt Lola. The mother said that was what she wanted her daughter told, and she was telling her the same thing!
Abby, I have taken several child psychology classes and have read a great deal on the topic. I've always been under the impression that children should never be told that a deceased person has "gone to heaven" because the child will then believe that heaven is a place they can visit, and that the deceased person may be coming back.
When I explained this to my relatives, they said I was being ridiculous because she was only 3 and would not remember any of this. Abby, I think she will remember. These relatives are well-educated, not ignorant. What is your opinion? -- RIDICULED RELATIVE IN RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR RELATIVE: Experts agree that when talking to children about death, the language should be simple and honest. Euphemisms, such as telling a child a dead person is "asleep" or "in heaven," only increase confusion and fear. The discussion should be kept on an appropriate level for the child's age. Their natural questions will guide you -- nothing should be overexplained.
Children grieve just as adults do. They should be assured that it is all right to express their feelings. When children lose someone with whom they have been extremely close, grief counseling may be in order.
DEAR ABBY: I am a recent widow. My wonderful husband died eight months ago following a debilitating illness of three years duration. We were completely faithful and devoted to each other throughout our marriage.
I have been asked out by several men whom I refused because I thought it was too soon after my husband's death. (Also, I had no interest in these men.)
I now find myself attracted to a widower who belongs to a group I belong to. If he asks me out, what is the respectable amount of time to wait before I accept a date? (I am feeling guilty just thinking about it.)
I would be embarrassed to be called on by a man (my neighbors might observe this) or be seen in public by friends on a date with a man. I value your advice. -- RECENTLY WIDOWED
DEAR RECENTLY WIDOWED: There is no longer a specific period of mourning. If he asks you out tomorrow, don't hesitate to accept. Good friends and neighbors who care about you will be happy to see you enjoy yourself after all you've been through.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)