What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Likes to Give Reminders of How Good a Friend He Is
DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a certain gentleman for 45 years. I'll call him "Paul." I had been very friendly with his wife, who passed away eight years ago. She was a good-hearted soul and I thanked her for everything she ever did for me -- or gave me. There was only one problem. She never stopped reminding me of what she had given me.
Now Paul is doing the same thing! Six years ago, he gave me a basket of artificial flowers for Easter and told me he had paid $35 for it. Every time he saw me after that, he asked me if I was enjoying the flowers that he paid $35 for.
Paul also sent me a Christmas card that played "Silent Night" when you opened it. Abby, would you believe that in July he asked me if the Christmas card he gave me was still playing "Silent Night"?
Abby, what on earth is this man's problem? -- HAD IT IN CARLSBAD, N.M.
DEAR HAD IT: It's anybody's guess. Perhaps he doesn't want you to forget the amount of money and effort he's invested in your friendship. At least you'll never have to worry about Paul's memory. He can remind the elephants.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a recovering alcoholic who loves to entertain. The letter from the woman in Tucson who abstains from coffee, tea and alcohol for religious reasons struck a chord with me. Like her, I'm comfortable dining out with people who order drinks, but shopping for liquor or keeping it around the house would present too great a temptation. I've found a couple of solutions.
One is to invite people for brunch instead of dinner. When offered an assortment of herb teas or fruit juices, no one clamors for a Bloody Mary. Another is to let guests bring whatever they want to drink. Here in the Midwest, no one accepts a dinner invitation without asking, "What can I bring?" I reply, "If you'd like wine or beer, bring it along." Then I make sure they take home the leftovers.
In the winter, I've found that hot cider or hot chocolate is always welcomed; freshly squeezed lemonade draws raves in the summer.
If friends can't enjoy a few hours with you without drinking, they need to take a long, hard look at their own alcohol use. I know -- I've been there!
I didn't think I could have a social life in sobriety, but I was wrong. Now I enjoy the parties I give much more, and I don't have to face the cleanup while coping with a hangover.
Since I'm in AA, just sign me ... SUE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR SUE: Congratulations on your sobriety, and thanks for a helpful letter.
DEAR ABBY: Tell "Frustrated in New Jersey" that she shouldn't have to "swallow" anything.
Here's how I handled the bridesmaid thing with a bride-to-be who gave the ring back to her fiance three times.
With these bad vibes in mind, I asked the bride to sign an agreement, with a post-dated (the date of the wedding) check so if the wedding didn't take place, I could cash the check (for the dress only -- $180) and she would get the dress. She agreed.
Yes, she did marry the groom and I returned her check.
I did this because I already own two dresses, two purses and two pairs of shoes (never worn) costing a grand total of $530.
This time, I covered my bases. -- TAMPA BRIDESMAID
Sending Balloons Into Sky Is a Bust for Environment
DEAR ABBY: I was surprised when it was announced in my church newsletter recently that an event was to conclude with the release of hundreds of balloons into the sky. It took some doing to explain that what goes into the sky eventually comes back down to earth.
I'm not an active environmentalist, but I have been involved with my daughters' Girl Scout troops for 10 years. We teach the girls to recycle, conserve and take care of Mother Earth.
Balloons released into the air often travel many miles before returning to earth, and their effect on wildlife can be deadly. Animals eat the balloons, which cause intestinal blockage and eventual starvation. They also get tangled up in the strings and, unable to free themselves, die a slow and painful death because they can't reach food or water. Also, balloons are not biodegradable. Those colored bits of shriveled plastic you see littering the beaches are going to be there for a long time, if they don't get caught in some fish's throat first.
I read in my local newspaper that some states -- New York, Connecticut, Florida, Louisiana, Tennessee, New Jersey Kentucky, Virginia and California -- have enacted laws specifically to curb or eliminate the release of balloons.
Abby, if you print my letter, you will be educating many readers who do not realize the potential harm they are causing when they release those pretty balloons. It would be so much better to keep them, and deliver them to a nursing home instead. -- FRIEND OF THE ENVIRONMENT, BURNSVILLE, MINN.
DEAR FRIEND: I'm delighted to help you spread the word to my many readers who are committed to preserving our environment. We all should be.
DEAR ABBY: I am a semiprofessional photographer. I charge for some of my work, but most of it is done for fun.
Recently I attended the wedding reception of some close friends, and I shot four rolls of film (about 100 photos) at the event. I had the film processed and printed, and I printed labels for the backs of the pictures giving the date and names of those in the photos. I put them in a wedding album and gave it to the bride and groom as a wedding gift.
A friend of theirs invited me to her wedding reception. It was unspoken, but understood, that I would take pictures there. I paid for four rolls of film. However, since the bride works for a photo lab, I thought she could get the film processed and printed free (or at a discount), so I simply gave her the rolls of film.
She had assumed that I would pay for processing the film, and now she's upset with me. I think she was expecting too much for nothing and should have been happy to pay for her own developing costs. Am I wrong? -- OHIO PHOTOGRAPHER
DEAR OHIO PHOTOGRAPHER: Unspoken messages are frequently misunderstood. Without words to clarify the details, how could either of you know what the other expected or assumed? In the future, reach an agreement (in writing) before committing to any photography assignments -- even with friends.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
PROFESSIONAL JURIES VIOLATE THE SPIRIT OF OUR REPUBLIC
DEAR ABBY: The term "professional juror" is an oxymoron. A jury, by its very character, is an amateur body composed of ordinary citizens who represent a cross section of the community. As soon as the hearing body becomes "professional," it is no longer a jury.
Professional jury systems have already been tried. They have been called "special juries" or "blue ribbon panels," and the results were often disastrous and supported the tyrannies that sponsored them.
The amateur jury has a proud record. When it acts independently and is fully informed of its powers and duties, it is our strongest protector of liberty and the greatest of all defenses against oppression.
A jury of one's peers is the essence of our American constitutional republic. It is the only right of the people held in such high esteem by our Founding Fathers that it is guaranteed by three specific mentions in our Constitution, as well as secondary mentions elsewhere. A "professional" system would violate all these parts of the Constitution.
The answer to your reader's concern is not to destroy our jury system, but to require courts to show respect for jurors regarding time, compensation, etc. Contrary to popular belief, the juror is the highest-ranking official in the courtroom, for he or she is the one responsible for the verdict. -- GODFREY D. LEHMAN, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR MR. LEHMAN: I received a slew of compelling letters (such as your own) that argue persuasively against tinkering with our jury system: Read on:
DEAR ABBY: American juries are supposed to be a group of the defendant's peers, but because most companies don't pay their employees while they serve on jury duty, most Americans cannot afford to serve in this capacity. So, "peers" turn out to be retired folks, the rich, those who cannot work for some reason, homemakers, a few who are willing to make a financial sacrifice, and those who think they can later write a book about their experiences.
There should be a law requiring companies over a certain size to reimburse employees for jury duty. Jury duty should not be a sacrifice, but a welcomed duty and an educational experience. Jurors need not be paid other than their normal salaries, and most Americans would be happy to serve their beloved country in this manner. -- SARA LOUISE NORTH, LA MESA, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I find the idea of "professional" jurors frightening. Part of the problem with courts seems to be their indifference to reality. Judges seem more interested in presenting new and creative interpretations of laws than in seeing that they are implemented for the good of the citizens. Lawyers select jurors who will give them the verdict they want, not necessarily a just and honest one. Courts are filled not with trial hearings, but performances designed to appeal to jurors' emotions.
However, establishing "professional" juries won't change any of this. What it will do is establish a bureaucracy that's capable of setting its own political agenda as to who goes to court. Many tyrannies have "judge panel trials" for this reason. If a panel gives too many politically incorrect verdicts, they are fired.
I remember a speech I heard as a child that was pressing for more individual participation in public affairs. The speaker said too many people were willing to "let Joe do it" when civic duties presented themselves. He reminded us that Joe's last name might very well be Stalin.
Government should be controlled by the people -- not the politicians. -- DAVID KERMES, OAKDALE, MINN.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)